Let's address something BIG that could relate to your breakup and the wall your ex has put up since. Something that can change your situation even though I don't know YOUR situation.
Sounds bold (smile.)
It's start with this:
Stop Injecting Yourself into Their Story
Everybody has an opinion. And is unafraid to use it.
Well. I want you to see — with fresh eyes — your relationship and the breakup from your ex's perspective … without injecting YOUR STORY into it.
Without your judgements.
Meaning: without YOUR perspective and opinion writhing for attention.
I want you to get CURIOUS and enjoy being curious about what your relationship AND the eventual meltdown OF that relationship looked like from your ex's perspective.
Can you do that?
Heads UP: You need a certain "something" to do this. But if you CAN do it, and do it well .. THEN you can maybe help your ex see that you understand them. That's huge by the way. Not feeling "understood" could be why your ex is staying distant.
We'll get to that "something" very soon. But first ..
"I Can't Do THIS Anymore."
I want to talk about something here that may not apply to you (how would I know?!) — but I really think you'll get value all the same.
What does "I can't do THIS any more …" mean?
Yeah, maybe your ex said this line to you (?) .. or maybe not. I don't know (..) but play along ok?
Well, THIS could mean a lot of things. Right?
If you can't take "THIS" any more .. you could be talking about anything.
For example, "THIS" might be when your ex feels isolated and alone IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP.
"THIS" could be for when it just feels bad living the life you are living and you don't want to endure it for even one more second.
By the way .. it's awful to be in a relationship and feel like you are the only one who's "working at it." Or that you are the only one who can see the problem.
A LOT of people find themselves in that position and a breakup soon follows.
Being a "couple" but experiencing the interaction ALONE? You're carrying dead weight. You feel trapped. And it has to end.
If your ex felt like they were the only one "padding in the boat," and felt YOU were "doing nothing" … (or worse, you were just punching holes in the hull?) ….
That can't last.
Shall we move on? (Hey, I'm sorry for the detour. But maybe the above "spoke" to you? I think it will for enough people to warrant living on this page, so it stays.)
The Fix: Breaking Down Walls
Did you know ..
It's a big problem if you fail to recognise and validate the experience and perspective other people have in your life.
Especially when in a relationship ..
And doubly so if you hope to REPAIR a broken one.
Walls go up pretty fast when we don't feel understood.
The solution is that you MUST see the breakup from your ex's perspective, and I mean .. REALLY "get" what he or she was living and breathing during your time together (and during whatever it was that happened just before you separated.)
You have to understand. Right in your bones.
- If you want a good chance at reconciliation (?);
- If you want to LEARN from your relationship (to stop the bad stuff happening again and again ..);
- If you want to develop a VALUABLE skill that can open many doors in ways you'd never guess ..
All these things and more are yours when you develop a special skill we're about to address.
So if you're nodding along, that just leaves me to tell you about it.
The SOMETHING You Need to Make it Happen
Warning: not everyone has this thing. No joke :-/ I wish this wasn't true. The world would be a better place if everyone had it.
What is it?
You have to have EMPATHY.
If you want to tap into what another person experiences, if you want your ex to KNOW that YOU GET THEM .. then you HAVE to develop this most invaluable skill, you have to have empathy.
If you do not have it? I can't help you. Sorry.
Maybe no one can?
Empathy has to be ALREADY present — to some degree — before it can be developed.
Some people don't have any at all ..
If YOU don't have empathy, you are probably "broke" and your ex is better off without you.
And that goes BOTH WAYS. I mean, IF your ex didn't have empathy? Then YOU are better off without them. See?
Works both ways.
How to Develop Your Empathy
There are many ways to enhance your empathy skills.
Listening — many people don't TRULY listen when you talk to them. Right? They're half present, half not. They're off in their own world, thinking about other things.
What about you?
If you are not listening fully you have room for improvement. Simple as that. So try listening more. Just hear the words and the intent behind them without injecting your own thoughts in-between and around them.
The more you do this, the better the connection you'll have with the people around you.
But what about your ex?
What about the past when you were both together ..?
Well, you have to use your imagination. You have to practice expanding your mind to include other information that you haven't considered before.
For one ..
Get curious — look around you, watch what people do. Then think back to your ex and you. To what you did together. The little things AND the big things. What you talked about. The non-verbal communication as well.
What do you think it was like for your ex? Can you imagine what they felt?
What you are doing here is changing your perspective for one you haven't considered or thought about before.
I suggest you walk "a mile in their shoes" and really feel what the experience might be like for them. Without colouring the experience with your own viewpoint.
What fears, emotions, doubts, anxiety etc would your ex be experiencing?
And of course don't forget about the good emotions and high-times as well.
The more you immerse yourself in other people's experiences of life, the more you can see things from other viewpoints, the more empathy you develop.
With this enhanced state you can connect with people far deeper than before. It's a powerful state to achieve.
What we're talking about here is your ability at taking a different perspective to your own.
The more easily and deeply you can do this, the better you become as a person.
When you try on different perspectives, keep your judgement and opinions OUT of it (very hard!) because in doing so you "colour" the experience with parts of yourself.
When you actively DO THIS with another person you can then validate them in your recognition of what they felt and establish a deep and meaningful connection.
It's All a Choice You Know?
Empathy is a choice.
You can choose to close it down or you can tap into it and connect with your ex on an entire different level.
You must choose to go deep within yourself and find the connection with what the other person is feeling. In your case, that's probably your ex?
If you can do this you can break down walls.
Empathy is a beautiful skill.
It's your choice whether or not to use it — it is my hope that you will.
PS. THIS page talks about ONE blockage that stops many couples figuring "it out" so I hope you'll take it onboard.
Just know that there are OTHER blockages too.
Letting someone know you feel what they feel or understand them on an emotional level is important. But so are your DEEDS.