They say "absence makes the heart grow fonder." Which is certainly one of the more popular reasons to go NC (no contact) on your ex. If you've ever wondered if you can get your ex back after no contact, wonder no more: NC is an effective—and often crucial—part of the relationship recovery process.
There's a caveat.
Note that I said "part of the relationship recovery process" because—and this is my caution to you today—by itself, NC is unlikely enough to get your ex back. And even if it was, you run risk of re-entering a relationship that is doomed to fail all over again.
And what's worse than breaking up? Breaking up twice.
In this article, we'll recap what NC is and why it's done (hint: pick your WHY carefully, the wrong why can kill your chances for good.) Only then will we look at what to do after no contact in order to get your ex back.
Recap of NC: What and Why
NC is taking a strategic break from your ex for a calculated period of time. That's the short version.
And it's a very simple process. It isn't magic. There's no mystery about what is happening when you do it. And it is effective.
Whether YOU will have success or not after going no-contact depends on your situation, on what happened, but mostly on how you do it and what you DO during it (and after.)
There's the rub:
NC is dependant on the choices you make, the steps you take, and a slew of other factors, many of which are impossible to know.
That said. While some relationships can never be repaired (nor should be,) the ones that can be? A period of no contact is almost certainly the recommended first step.
But let's look at why..
6 reasons to go no contact:
- It allows you to heal, to cool down, and to compose yourself. This is super important. Easily one of the best reasons.
- It creates a void for your ex to miss you, to wonder what you're up to, and for curiosity to play-out as it often does. This isn't the most important reason (by far) though undeniably a nice side benefit.
- It's damage control; no contact means no bad words spoken, no arguments, and no planting "reasons to hate you" seeds in your exes head. This reason alone makes it a no-brainer to give your ex space.
- It gives you space to get organised, to correct bad habits, and to find and action an effective plan. Mega important! What you DO and SAY after your no contact duration ends will directly affect your chances of saving your relationship. And WHO YOU ARE (how you changed through this away time) is what can seal the deal or put an end to things for good.
- It puts the power back in your hands, which you invariably lost at the break up point. How? Because you choose to retreat and take time out to consider your options when you do no contact correctly. And that is a demonstration of power.
- It just might COMPEL your ex to make contact with you first. This isn't a big reason to go NC, but just like reason #2.. it's a nice benefit if it happens.
There's a lot we can discuss, at length I'd imagine.. just from the 6 points above. But for now, I feel it especially relevant that you heed point number 4: that is, "to get organised, to correct bad habits, and to find and action an effective plan."
In fact, reasons #1, #3, #4 are the most important reasons by far.
Warning: History Repeats Itself
Imagine you get back with your ex. Perhaps for no other reason than because couples reunite "all the time."
If you've not put in the necessary effort prior, you risk repeating easy-to-avoid mistakes. The kind that lost you your ex in the first place. And after all the pain you've been through, how disheartening would that be?
And so here's the caution I spoke of earlier. To put it simply, you broke up for a reason. And you see, no matter what steps you take to get your ex back, if the original reason for your break up still remains unresolved?..
Your relationship is toast.
Maybe not right away. Who knows? But it's fair to say it'll only be a matter of time. That I'm sure you'll agree with.
So please don't take any short cuts here. The mistake I see all too often is the heartbroken guy or girl, so obsessed with winning back their ex, become BLIND to all the reasons they were dumped in the first place.
The pain you're experiencing right now is bad enough. Imagine what it might be like to go through all the effort to win back your ex after NC, only to lose them all over again because you both failed to resolve the bottom-line cause.
Fix the Problem to Repair the Breakup
Sometimes, resolving the original cause of the breakup IS the route to getting your ex back. So if it's not obvious to you now, go spend some time to figure out why you both broke up in the first place. Then, once you isolate the problem, or problems, you must ask yourself honestly:
- "Can I resolve this problem?" — sometimes it may not be possible, in which case you may have to agree to disagree, or accept "what is" and move on. This isn't easy. You will be biased toward fixing things and may not see things clearly. Watch out for that.
- "Am I prepared to resolve this problem?" — if you can resolve the problem, that does not mean you're willing to. So you must be honest with yourself. Some problems are simple, for example it might be a silly habit you need to lose, or even a new habit you need to form. But if it isn't simple.. what then?
All of the above hinges on 2 things: that you can correctly determine why you were "dumped" in the first place. And that the reason is something within your power to resolve (and that you want to.)
When we lose the one we love, we are thrown into chaos. The emotional pain of losing your ex, those dark thoughts that you may never be with them again, or that someone else will take your place.. they're relentless.
Sadly, it is right at this most difficult time in your life that you need most to gather strength and be in control. Every little word you say, and every action you take, can make the difference between a blissful "make up," or losing your ex for good.
I strongly advise you to take full advantage of this "no contact" period to get clear in your head, to improve yourself in the areas that matter most, and to make those changes you identified earlier.
Going no contact after breakup is really about giving yourself the opportunity to regroup, and make peace with the way things are. This is the time you need to adjust and prepare for the next phase of your life.
If your ex is someone who is very special in your life, someone who gave your life meaning and direction, then I'm sure you will be more than willing to dig deep and do all that is within your power to be together again.
It's amazing what we can do when there's so much at stake. We just need to ensure we don't let our emotions take us off track. And they will do that if you're not on the ball.
Don't ever follow your emotions. Certainly not blindly. They're not a good guide, and can lead you down a path of regret.
It really is better to say nothing than to say the wrong thing. And in this high-emotion time you are more likely than ever before to say the wrong thing.
It pays to "wait and see" rather than rush in and risk making matters worse. You'll need willpower to follow the advice here. And to follow logic over emotion because you have to fight your natural urges. But the reward for demonstrating that willpower is a much greater probability of being a couple again, and staying that way.
What to Do After the No Contact Period Ends?
Clearly, after a period of no contact has passed, it will be time to reach out again.
Here's the thing.
What you say, and how you say it, is crucial.
It's also really important that you used this time apart wisely to work on YOU. Most people ignore this. And that's a huge mistake.
You have to get YOURSELF back first in order to have the best chance of getting your ex back.
Nobody talks about that. Or not nearly enough.
Put it this way..
If your ex thinks that the only reason you want them back is because you won't be happy until that happens then you won't succeed. They will run a mile. Any hint of that is a big turn off.
Working on yourself done right is awakening to the knowledge that while you may PREFER to save your relationship.. you don't NEED your ex in order to be happy.
That is a powerful state to reach.
With that said and out the way…
When it's time to reconnect again?
You want to build up this connection slowly and make effort to not provoke a swirl of bad emotions in your ex.
Because it's easy to over do this.
The first time you reach out, you want to just get a feel of things.
It's an iterative process.
You want to gauge feedback, and move accordingly.
What wouldn't be a good idea is to bring up heavy subject matters. For example, I wouldn't recommend you mention the break up or the relationship in your first contact.
Keeping things light and easy is key.
Just remember that what you say and do must depend on what signals you get back.
Be gentle with your approach.
Going from no contact to jumping straight back to where you were is a bad idea for sure. Right?
You must treat this process with respect.
Don't push your ex into "talking about things."
Don't ask to discuss "it."
You should get a conversation going without mentioning the break up or the possibility of making up.. WAY before you go there.
That's the smart way.
Yes, this means you got to have patience. And not have an "all or nothing" mindset which invariably leads to more disappointment.
It is a fragile process. So proceed accordingly..