Checking to See if Rekindling a Relationship Is a Good Idea

It can be appealing to get back with someone you used to date. After all, resuming a relationship with someone you love and have fond memories of sounds like a good way to find happiness again. But before you do so, you should assess just how healthy and fun it will be for both of you. See, not every relationship is meant to be rekindled, and sometimes the reasons why it ended in the first place still stand. So, if you get back together without giving it a lot of thought, you might end up with more heartache.

In this article, I’ll cover the key factors you need to think about when deciding whether to reunite.

Getting to the Bottom of What Caused the Breakup

A good place to start is to think about why you broke up in the first place. This will help you decide if getting back together is a good idea. Getting to the bottom of what went wrong in the relationship is important if you want to know if those problems still exist or if they can be fixed. Relationships often end because of problems with communication, trust, compatibility, or outside factors like distance or interference from family.

Once you know why the relationship ended, you can look to see if the problems have been fixed or if they can be fixed in the future. For example, if trust was broken, did the person who broke it show regret? Did they try to make things right? It’s basic stuff. You want to be sure that history won’t repeat itself. So, it’s time to be honest with yourself and your ex about whether you can work through past problems.

Honestly, how well a rekindled relationship works depends a lot on how much each person has changed. You and your ex should talk about how you’ve grown and changed since you broke up. Have you dealt with any unresolved emotional issues or concerns about your mental health? Have you learned how to have better relationships and talk to people? By thinking about how you’ve both changed, you can figure out if the relationship could be better and more successful the second time around.

Take a Look at Your Shared Values, Beliefs, and Life Goals

Even if the problems that caused the breakup have been fixed, it’s still important to check if you and your ex-partner are still a good match and have the same plans for the future. Take the time to look at your shared values, beliefs, and life goals again and see if your ideas about the future are the same. If not, you need to talk about whether your differences can be managed or solved.

Here’s another thing: People can grow and change after a breakup, which can make it hard for them to get back into the same rhythm with their ex. Think about any changes you or your ex-partner have gone through since you broke up and how these changes might affect how well you two get along. For example, have your priorities changed? You can decide if you want to get back together or not by thinking about how changes in your life might affect how the relationship will work.

Before deciding to rekindle the relationship, have an open and honest conversation with your ex-partner about your expectations and plans for the future. By talking about your hopes and plans and making sure you both understand them, you can lay the groundwork for a healthier, more successful relationship in the future.

How Well Do You Talk?

How well you communicate is fundamental to a healthy relationship. So, it’s essential that you can have kind, honest, fruitful conversation together. How well do you talk? The answer to this will play a big role in knowing whether rekindling the relationship makes sense. Problems in communication can lead to misunderstandings, frustration, and even resentment. So, you need to be willing to work on improving communication skills together if necessary.

Every relationship has fights, so it’s essential that you’re able to work through them in a healthy way if you want the relationship to last. Before you get back together, you should figure out how likely it is that you and your ex will both use healthy ways to solve problems. This could mean talking about fights you’ve had in the past and figuring out how you and your ex have learned to get along better. Making sure that both partners are committed to solving problems in a respectful and constructive way can help keep problems from coming up again that may have led to the breakup in the first place.

Along with figuring out how to improve interactions and solve conflicts, it’s vital you find ways to keep communication open and honest throughout the relationship. This could mean setting up regular check-in times or making a place where feelings and worries can be talked about without being judged. You can build a stronger, more stable relationship if you can talk openly and honestly.

Do You Feel Safe? Is There Mutual Trust?

A healthy relationship is built on trust and feeling safe. Before getting back together, it’s crucial to see how much trust and emotional security you both have. Think about whether any past lies or breaks in trust have been truly forgiven and if both feel emotionally safe about being together again. If there are still questions or worries, they need to be answered before you can move forward.

One of the best ways to know whether getting back together is a good idea is to talk to your ex about any feelings of betrayal, jealousy, or insecurity. In doing so, you will get a good idea of what needs to be done to rebuild trust and security. Be honest about how you feel, and ask your partner to do the same. Talking openly about how you feel can help you both heal and grow.

If you need to improve trust and emotional security, find ways to make this easier. Some strategies include setting clear boundaries, being honest and open all the time, and actively working on listening and understanding with empathy. Both of you need to be willing to put in the work to rebuild trust and make the relationship a safe, emotionally secure place to grow. By doing these things, you can make it more likely that your relationship will be successful and healthy again.

What About External Factors?

The opinions of family and friends can have a big effect on a relationship. Before rekindling your relationship, consider how these external factors contributed to the breakup and whether they will continue to affect the relationship. Talk to your ex-partner about any worries you have about family or friends, and come up with ways to deal with them, like setting boundaries or getting help from third parties.

If your last relationship had problems with logistics, like travelling long distances or having different schedules, it’s important to figure out if these problems have been solved or if solutions can be found. Think about how your current situation might affect your ability to keep your relationship healthy and stable, and talk to your ex about any changes that might need to be made to get past these problems.

Also, consider how renewing the relationship might impact your personal growth and well-being. Will the relationship support or hinder your individual growth, mental health, and emotional stability? It’s sensible to put your well-being first and ensure that the relationship aligns with your personal goals and values. By thinking about these outside circumstances and factors, you can make a better decision about whether or not getting back together is a healthy and good idea.

Should You Get Help and Support From a Professional?

Before you get deep into a renewed relationship, you might want to get help and support from a professional. Relationship counselling or therapy can provide a neutral space for both partners to openly discuss their concerns, feelings, and past experiences. A qualified therapist can help guide you through the process of evaluating the relationship’s potential, identifying areas for growth and improvement, and offering tools and strategies for building a healthier, more stable connection.

Along with relationship counselling, there’s also individual therapy. If personal problems or emotional baggage led to the breakup, dealing with these issues in individual therapy can help you live a happier life and make your relationship better. To that end, it’s a great idea to encourage each other to take care of your mental and emotional well-being.

Lastly, you can also use resources and support networks to help you make better decisions. I offer coaching, for example, and I’m not alone. And of course, you should talk to trusted friends, family members, or people in a support group. By getting help and support from a variety of sources, you can make a well-informed decision about whether to get back together.

Weigh Up the Pros and Cons

Make a list of the pros and cons of getting back together with your ex. It’s useful! There will be benefits like a shared history, the chance to grow, or the chance to make a stronger, more fulfilling connection. Whereas, problems could include unresolvable issues, problems with compatibility, or the chance of making the same mistakes again. By making a list, you get a better idea of what’s at stake in the decision.

In your list, include how being together will affect your mental and emotional health as well as theirs. Think about whether or not the relationship is likely to be nurturing and supportive or if it could cause negative feelings like anxiety, depression, or resentment.

After weighing the pros and cons, decide if the benefits of reuniting outweigh the negatives. If that’s the case and both of you want to work on making your relationship healthier and more stable, you have good reason to try again. However, if the risks seem to outweigh the benefits, it may be best to continue focusing on personal growth and healing independently.

Making the Decision

Give yourself time to chew over everything discussed above. A well-informed decision takes time and introspection, so be patient. Also, it’s only fair that we include your intuition and instincts in the decision. Listen to your inner voice and check how you feel when you think about getting back together with your ex. Your intuition can give clues.

Once you’ve decided, it’s time to talk to your ex in an open and honest way. Talk to them about your thoughts, feelings, and worries, and pay close attention to what they have to say. If both of you want to get back together, talk about what you’ll do to make your relationship stronger and more stable in the future. If you decide not to get back together, say thank you for the experiences you shared and stress how important it is for both of you to grow and heal. No matter what the decision is, it is important to talk to each other in an open and honest way about it.


Getting back together with an ex-partner can seem appealing, but it should be given a lot of thought to ensure it is healthy and good for both of you. Think about the reasons for the breakup, evaluate compatibility, trust, communication, and outside influences before deciding if it is a good idea.

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About the author: Michael Fulmer is a breakup repair consultant and relationship coach. He publishes the Ex-Communication newsletter to inboxes all over the world. He also runs the Breakup Dojo, where he teaches you to make the right moves to outwit your ex’s negative feelings. Michael has been undoing breakups since 2011. No fancy suits, videos, or fake smiling photos. You won’t find Michael featured on Youtube, either.