A happy couple embracing each other

How to Get Your Ex Back: The Big Picture (Start Here)

UPDATED: JULY 18, 2018:

I would love to help you get your ex back.

Perhaps you are confused about what to do or where to start?

If you have a genuine chance of happiness together, and have the ingredients necessary to make a relationship that fulfils both then I am in your corner.

By the time you finish this short article, you will know exactly where next to apply your energy in order to save your relationship.

That means you’ll be making progression today toward getting back together.

The Get Your Ex Back Roadmap

This is a common route that many of my clients have taken to successfully reach their destination (to return back to “the happy couple” status.)

Here’s the “30,000 ft view” of that process:

  1. 1. Take a Strategic Pause from Your Ex

    Generally speaking the first thing to do immediately following the breakup is to take a pause and step back.

    There’s no debate here.

    Take a strategic break to cool off and gather your thoughts so you gift your ex and yourself the space to process what has happened.

    This creates opportunity for you both to arrive at a fresh perspective.

    There are many upsides to this.

    For example, from this fresh position of space you will more readily and easily be able to determine the personal problems that have been holding you back and pushing your partner away.

    Make no mistake…

    In the midst of drama you won’t have the eyes to see what is right in front of you.

    Composure is an advantage in any conflict.

    Ignoring this phase explains why many take 3 steps backwards for every 1 step forward.

    They are not giving themselves or their ex appropriate space to breathe!

    When to do this?

    Immediately following the breakup, or after a high drama clash or “bashing of heads.”


    If you have children together then you must moderate the space you give to still fulfil your parental duties.

    If you live together then you should also still maintain your household responsibilities.

    As a rule? Retreat where you can, but attend to what is important.

    Is this known as “no contact?”

    Yes and no.

    I explain more about no contact and the potential risk of that in another article.

  2. 2. Get Yourself Back Before Your Ex

    Often the route back in to the relationship you want requires you to first reconcile the relationship you have with yourself.

    This means working toward and maintaining a state of relative balance and harmony as a single person.

    It is not persuasive to your ex if they perceive you wanting to get back together because you “need them to be happy and sane.”

    It would be better that you get yourself together and whole first, and then express a preference for a second chance.

    If you overlook this phase you will cut your odds of success dramatically.

    There is no short cut here.

    You risk making bad decisions and getting undesirable results if you operate under the mistaken belief that you need your ex in order to be happy.

    You also risk jeopardising other aspects of your life as well (career, friends, family etc.)

    In short, use the time during your strategic break to regroup and work on yourself (where required,) to heal and implement positive changes in your life.

    And do it not for your ex or anyone else…

    Do it for you, first.

    The rest follows from there…

  3. 3. Evaluate Your Options

    After you have sufficiently regrouped it is time to take advantage of your improved perspective to evaluate your options.


    Before you consider how to get back with your ex, it is wise to first consider the VALUE of the relationship you’re looking to save (or the relationship you believe is possible after putting in the work.)

    Both for you and for your ex.

    It’s hard to do. Yes. But no less important because of that. So I sincerely advise getting clear on whether you should get back together (or not) before you continue any further.


    Do you honestly feel you are both better off as a couple?

    Be honest:

    1. Do you both have something worth saving found in the other, that you can build a happy future on?;
    2. Did you both add value to the other (rather than take it away?)
    3. Can you both work out whatever differences there were, or manage the differences, that lead to the breakup?

    You must reflect on this.

    What often happens during a relationship is one or both transitions in some way that sets the two of you on a diverging path.

    For example, three big and obvious transitions in life are:

    1. Career;
    2. Marriage;
    3. Children.

    But there are many possible causes for a transition to occur, which can lead to either partner in the relationship to undergo a new direction (away from the other.)

    It’s also common to date someone who was never compatible with us in the first place (perhaps in one of the big three above,) but who we secretly hoped to change in time.

    This is a common mistake as people don’t tend to change much. It seldom happens. Certainly not in the way we would like.

    If you were to get back with your ex but with unaligned hopes and dreams, the relationship will either not last, or will be dysfunctional.


    It’s not often done or considered, but the first thing to do after a breakup (once you are thinking clear) isn’t to figure out the fastest way to get back together. No! It is to decide whether it truly is best to reunite at all (otherwise you should focus on letting it go and moving on..)

    I mean, if your ex was abusive or you made their life worse in ways that you can not change, then I urge you to reconsider your goal to be together again.

    If you decide or can see that your relationship is better off left in the past? There’s no shame in getting help with the moving on process.

    However, if you discover through contemplation and honesty that your relationship is worth fighting for because you are reasonably sure you both are enhanced as a twosome (or can realistically achieve that result..)

    Then you can proceed with gusto.

  4. 4. Progressive Stages of Reconciliation

    Once you are clear that you want your ex back and the decision is not coming from the wrong place (e.g desperation) then you enter the various mini-phases of reconnection.

    The idea here is to start with the smallest step that aligns with where your ex is at, where it “makes sense” for you to begin at.

    And then work your way up (up here can essentially mean increasing the good feelings your ex has for you.)

    There’s no way around it…

    You must work according to the context of your situation and on what actually happened leading up to the breakup.

    For example:

    If you stepped out of line or outright damaged your ex with your actions (betrayal, verbal abuse, etc) you would be wise to put an appropriate amount of energy into making a good apology.

    This may be the first time you reach out to your ex (depending on your circumstances) and if your ex feels an injustice has occurred then nothing short of addressing that feeling they have will suffice!

    Again, the specifics of what is required of you will come down to the specifics of you and your ex, and the events you both share in your history.

    Perhaps you will begin by extending an olive branch.

    Perhaps you have some repairs to address before your ex can — in good conscious — entertain a two-way adult conversation.

    This is a fragile time for sure, requiring sensitivity and courage to show your authentic desire to build bridges and make amends.

    Reconciliation is a process, not an event. This means that success will likely contain many steps to effectively transition from “enemy” to friend, and beyond.

  5. 5. Attempting to Reconnect “The Couple”

    We rarely go from a no to a yes, without a maybe in between.

    Many couples reunite, that much we know (and if you forgot this, take a moment to think of the couples you personally know who had broke up previously.)

    There is always a chance, and always hope.

    And sometimes the makeup happens quickly!

    Even so, I want you to manage your expectations accordingly as often the result does not come as quickly as the heartbroken want.

    Be patient. It is an integral part of the journey itself.

    Your ex must not be rushed to make a decision.

    You should do everything you can to keep pressure out of every interaction you have.

    Allow your ex to at least reach a “maybe” when thinking about giving the relationship another chance.

    If you can do that, your chance of getting a “yes” rises immeasurably.

    However if you push for a decision when your ex is still mostly thinking “no” then you will worsen your position and potentially undo some or all of the progress you’ve made to date.

    If you are successful, then you will naturally be…

  6. 6. Building a New Relationship

    This is where you get the chance to build a new relationship.

    That means a better relationship than the one you last had together.

    This is an opportunity for both to learn from the past and implement safeguards to avoid falling into old destructive patterns and habits.

    It is all too easy to resume the old ways and settle into the well worn grooves. Trouble is, those grooves may lead you to a future breakup (in all likelihood.)

    Don’t settle.

    Take it slow, yes.. but raise your game.

    Get better at spotting warning signs and defusing drama early on so you get to cut out the relationship rot as you find it.

    We don’t want to let resentment live unchallenged.

    That stuff builds and builds and before you know it, you are back at the start of the journey.

    To keep on the right path…

    Remember that all successful couples have three healthy relationships:

    1. The relationship you have with yourself;
    2. The relationship they have with themselves;
    3. The relationship you both create together.

    Nurture all three and you will have a wonderful and healthy relationship for the long term.


In order to reach a destination you first must know where you are starting from.

If you don’t know where you are, it is much more difficult to make progress!

When it comes to a breakup, in most cases you will be at one of the above six phases. Which one are you presently at?

Identify it now. Because that’s where you are “starting” from (so to speak.)

(Skipping steps will harm your chances. So don’t do that.)

The great thing is that you now know where you are, and so you know where your energy must be spent.

That means you can begin making progress to get your ex back, and you can start today.

Psst.. do you want to know IF you have a CHANCE of saving your relationship?

I’ll give you SEVEN dead giveaway clues your ex wants you back, or is having second thoughts..

Hit the big yellow button now to find out what these seven clues are, and a whole bunch more:

“My girlfriend and I broke up last week. I followed your instructions and we are back together” — Erick Nelson