How to Get Your Ex Girlfriend Back: Little-Known Methods to Take Back Control
(hint: you must “BSNP”)
You could read a dozen articles on how to get your ex girlfriend back and all you’d learn is the same X steps told 12 different ways. How tragic! The truth is, what will be effective for you after a breakup is going to be beyond any “5 step article” (complete with cheesy GIF images…)
Besides, wouldn’t you prefer different advice to what you’ve already read?
Of course you would. So take a deep breath and let’s begin by reading the next sentence aloud… ready? —
You can’t turn a no into a yes without a MAYBE in between.
You will notice this sentence has a ring of truth to it.
Are you trying to get her to say “yes” before she’s even thought “maybe?” If so, stop and reconsider.
Getting a Girl Back Requires Making Incremental Smart Moves
Moving your ex girlfriend closer and closer to a “yes” must be done gradually.
One of the biggest mistakes the heartbroken make is ignoring the “maybe” part. We desire so much to change her no into a yes that we completely miss the bridge that connects the two. This is the danger of operating more on passion than on smarts.
The risk is you may trigger her descent into a “never again” state.
Let me share a lesson that may help…
A Cult Lesson to Win Her Back
Many years ago I was in to martial arts. Got pretty good at it too. Enough to teach others. And did.
Only problem was? The school was dangerously close to being an all-out cult.
Once I saw the signs, I kicked the door open and hightailed it out of there.
It’s been years and I’ve never looked back.
Now, in life you’ll find lessons everywhere. If you’ll look for them.
Cults and religions are fascinating on many levels. Doesn’t matter where you stand on them. There are still lessons to be learned. Take for example how they do what they do and how they attract and “develop” their user base.
Because boy… are there lessons to be had!
Pay attention: you’ll want to read this if you find it hard to get through to your girl because she is ignoring you.
Which is so frustrating isn’t it? This is the woman who until recently you could share your most intimate secrets with. But now you can’t even sit and talk about the weather..
If you’re getting the cold shoulder, that means she is in “repel mode.” Which is to say, she is pre-disposed to reject you. But don’t worry.. it’s quite common. It’s just a protection mechanism at work. Conscious or not..
What’s happening here is whenever your girl thinks about you, she feels bad. And nobody wants to feel that way. And in order to make those feelings “go away”.. your ex figures the less “you” she experiences, the less “bad” she’ll feel.
Now.. if you’re smart, you’ll take a page out of the “cult playbook.”
But which page? There are many..
Well, how about:
OK — this isn’t official. Just my observation.
The idea is simple:
You start with what is accepted by your ex today (“the way things are”) — her truth — and gradually and logically lead her to what isn’t..
See, where people go wrong is by trying to connect and convince their ex girlfriend from a very different place to where she is at.
But that doesn’t work. You have to start with where she already is.
Of course, there’s a knack to this.
But it’s damn effective when you do it right.
(When you try to force your view onto her, you will only push her away.)
You MUST “enter the conversation” that is already in her head. This means to see things the way she does.. to see what she currently accepts and holds to be true.. and then GRADUALLY lead her to where you want her to be.
And don’t worry, it’s not nasty or inherently evil unless you have some immoral end-game. Which if you do, shoo!
Reality Check: Breaking Up Hurts Like Hell
Just quickly —
I want you to know that the pain you feel is not easily described. But it is awful. And worth acknowledging.
Warning: Going through a breakup can have a severe impact on your emotional and mental wellbeing. Please be compassionate with yourself, and seek help if you are resorting to destructive behaviour.
If you feel like your world is crumbling down around you, and life has singled you out somehow.. you are not alone (if you could read my stuffed inbox…)
Sill. It may encourage you to know that growth almost always follows a breakup.
It is true.
It is well known that we grow and improve through the struggles and hardship we face in life. That our character evolves as a direct result of pain and suffering.
While you wouldn’t choose hardship for growth, that does not mean your future self won’t appreciate the improved you that comes OUT of it.
Remember: whether you get your ex girlfriend back or you move on, both outcomes can be positive in the long run.
Yet? As appealing as that may be, you probably just want your girlfriend back already. And you probably figure the growth stuff can wait.. right?
I get it.
That’s why I’m asked DAILY.. “Michael, what are my chances?” and not once.. “Michael, how can I grow from this?”
Let’s talk about chances now:
Your Odds of Success?
You may be wondering what your chances are of resurrecting your dead relationship.
Well, couples DO reunite. Right? That’s just a fact. So much so, I’d wager you KNOW a few couples yourself who got back together.
And maybe a few that surprised you?
So first, let’s just acknowledge that separated couples do reunite. AND further, let’s also agree that we can’t really predict which ones will achieve it (not as a science at least..)
So for you?…
We HAVE to agree that it is POSSIBLE. And from my years of working with hundreds of clients? Well, I suggest we just leave it there. Because it’s not fair to give you a percentage chance (nor is it possible to) because you are you, and you are unique.
Now sure… in some cases, we may dare to be more confident about the outcome (or less.) That’s not unusual. But I don’t know YOUR situation. So maybe your chances can be raised from possible to GOOD.
Right. Because that’s the other thing..
Whatever your chances are, it can be modified and changed (downwards or upwards) because this is not a fixed thing.
If you FEEL you have little chance, it needn’t remain so.
And hey, please know:
If you and her are good for each other, and you both have a chance of enjoying a loving and wonderful relationship together.. then I would love to help you both reconnect as a couple once again.
Of course, as we’re not talking face to face here (or via email as I do with many clients) I don’t know what happened with you both, nor do I know your girlfriend…
Still. What I DO KNOW however is this simple truth:
If you play it right, and if you’re smart? You’ll have a better chance than if you just “wing it” and hope for the best.
If you react wildly and hastily, you risk causing more damage. If you can be calm and not let your emotions dictate your actions, you won’t make matters worse.
Makes sense. Right?
OK, deep breath..
Don’t Make Permanent Decisions Based on Temporary Emotions
I don’t know how you feel today, but it’s possible you are in a highly charged emotional state. And maybe it comes in waves? That’s certainly normal. Point is..
Have you noticed how difficult it is to remain level headed after the breakup?
Sure you have. It’s unbelievably hard to be in control.
Unfortunately though, this is at a time when the quality of having CONTROL is particularly important.
If you feel like you’re fit to burst, please refrain from doing anything other than cooling down. Because when you feel overwhelmed, that’s your cue to retreat from activity.
Never take action from a position of high emotion.
You do not want to let your temporary passion guide your actions.
Now let’s cover a few ground rules on what you should be doing right now while you’re “the ex.”
Basic Advice For Dealing with Her
Under no circumstances should your goal be to drag your ex, kicking and screaming, back into your arms. That’s not how you get a girl back. In fact, you shouldn’t be doing any chasing whatsoever. No calling her, emailing, or texting.
You can’t chase your girlfriend back into your arms.
As a general rule, the nearer in time it is to the break up, the further your hand should be from making a phone call…
And you know those places your ex girlfriend hangs out? Avoid them. Because deliberately hitting the same places she does is just not smart right now.
Did you know? Repeated exposure will only intensify whatever dominant emotion she already has toward you. As it is highly likely this emotion will be negative, it makes no sense to feed it.
It’s tricky to cover all the angles in one article. But the general point here stands: don’t do anything that may make your ex girlfriend feel crowded by you. You do not want to be seen as a pest as it’ll only slow your progress, both in the short and long term.
Now, while you’re not contacting your ex or “just happening to be in the same places as her,” you should also avoid asking her friends or family “how is she doing?”
Why? Because this will filter back to her. And you may not want that either (for reasons best left to another article.)
Sometimes — when done correctly — the above advice alone may compel your ex girlfriend to make the first move. That is, to make contact on her own free will — after cooling down — which would clearly be a positive sign.
By the way.. it is crucial that any decision she makes to contact you IS indeed HER own decision. Because we humans? We will stand behind our own decisions every time. We’ll even fight for them if we have to. Whereas any decision made for us by another, which we were persuaded to act upon?…
Those are not nearly as good.
We drop those easily.
The caveat here is that with skill, we CAN persuade another to reach a decision on their own that has the same effect as making a decision for themselves.. but they have to be partly leaning that way in the first place.
Where were we?
Oh yeah. We are essentially talking about following the “no contact rule” (that’s the general name for this.)
It isn’t rocket science. It’s just smart to give space after a break up.
Her Yourself Back?
Now, while you are taking a break from chasing your ex girlfriend, be sure you use this new-found extra time wisely. Because if your relationship was like most, you surely just regained several hours of your week, correct?
At the very least.
So you now have a unique opportunity to take care of a few things you normally wouldn’t have time for. And it would be silly to waste it.
Here’s a few ideas:
- Get out and about for one. Be sociable. Say yes to invites. Look up old friends, and make new ones. Point is, do not become a recluse, spending your free time under the duvet…
- How about getting in better shape? Exercise is good for your mood as well. So do whatever you like to do.. go running, cycling, swimming, whatever floats your boat.
- You could take up classes in something you’ve always fancied doing, but never got round to, or perhaps resume a hobby you let slip? (If you don’t FEEL like it, challenge yourself to show up regardless, because chances are you won’t feel like doing anything anyway, so..)
- Start something! A tiny side business, a blog, or learn a language, play guitar, whatever you want…
You get the idea (nod.)
Just don’t shut yourself away from the world, OK?
Anything positive is.. positive, right? The worst thing you can do, and also the easiest and most common, is to mope around the house all depressed. That is a big NO NO.
I don’t care if you don’t feel like doing anything else..
Because your feelings are NOT helpful directions for your life right now.
You have to be somebody who your ex girlfriend WANTS to be in her life. Someone she can miss if you’re not.
The needy and sad version of anyone is tough to love.
You can’t be moping around AND be a cool positive person she can want to be with, at the same time. See?
All of the above advice is about putting some of the power back in to your hands. Which in turn, puts you in a much stronger, more attractive position.
Because when you broke up, you probably LOST a lot of your “power” in the eyes of your ex girlfriend. That’s just how it goes. Because when you “dump” somebody, you devalue them in the process. Does that make sense?
You’re saying, “you’re less valuable to me now, you’re less attractive…” which isn’t too pretty.
And how do most people react to this?
By becoming desperate.
And what is a desperate person?..
A weak, less-than person. The fact is, a desperate person is a less attractive version of whoever they were before they were desperate. Always!
So consider this..
When you first started dating, you might score a 7 or 8 out of 10 on a “scale of desire.” But then time passes by, and life happens. And before long, after bickering and paying her less attention.. she starts seeing you as a 4 or 5 at best.
So.. what do you think happens then, when at the point you break up you react with desperation and neediness? Right. Your score plummets even further.. it can only go one way.
Before you know it, you’ve hit a 1 or 2. And that’s the place most guys operate from when they try to get their ex girlfriend back!
Clearly that’s not how to win a girl back.
So the most important thing to do after the breakup is to stem the loss of power that so easily happens once neediness and desperation run the show.
To start with, you want to put distance between your ex and you.
Stepping back, withdrawing..
And then get busy with your own life.
And yes. Such a seemingly small change can go a long way in your mission to get your girl back. But more importantly? It’s how you get yourself back.
It’s no coincidence how actioning the above advice — in every client I’ve helped, certainly.. — increases the odds of a couple reuniting. And in case it’s not obvious, it’s important to take deliberate action in your situation, especially the kind that is proven to generate the responses you want in life. It sure beats leaving your relationship to chance..
Be warned: non-deliberate action leads to poor results. Always. So please don’t leave things to chance, OK? Don’t let your “gut instincts” navigate you. It’s not smart.
You must understand that how guys naturally react to their breakup is less than ideal (wink.)
It’s no walk in the park. Fighting your natural urges will require willpower, especially after separation when there are a rush of different emotions bubbling under the surface, influencing your every move.
You’ve got to have a strong resolve here, because you have to fight your natural tendency and urges!
It may help you to keep in mind your end goal, and to remind yourself daily of the fact that how you feel is NOT a good compass for what you should do next.
Feelings are brats. Don’t let them take charge.
To do what is necessary to reunite with your ex requires that you IGNORE some of your natural impulses. That’s a hugely important lesson here.
5 Action Steps to Improve Your Position
Let me give you 5 quick pointers you can action right now. These will serve you in the short time while you prepare for the long term (yes, I recommend you do not stop your learning at this article.) Okay, let’s jump right in:
- The most obvious place to start is figuring out — and correcting — the real reason your girl gave you the push in the first place. Do you know why? I hope you do. Hint: it’s probably not what she told you. Figure it out, and see if you can resolve it. You should certainly try if it’s reasonable to do so. If you are not sure, or you do not feel you really did anything wrong, then you really need to spend more time thinking about it. Think back to arguments. It’s time to contemplate;
- Think back to when she first showed interest in you. What were you doing? How were you, mood wise? What kind of signals do you think you were giving her? If you were going out for a while before she split, maybe how you’re presenting yourself recently is not as desirable as when you first met? Very shallow I know. I thought us guys were the shallow ones? I jest. But if she fell for you when you were looking and acting a certain way, it could be wise to readopt those qualities;
- If you are currently not feeling very positive about life (!) you probably show it? Well, try and do some things that lift you. Be outgoing, and seek enjoyment. If you look happy, you are more attractive to everyone, including your ex girlfriend;
- Whatever you do, be cool and reserved, not clingy or needy. It’s tempting to send her multiple text messages, or call her every day. But really, you will only push her further away if you do that. It’s far better to be Mr Reserved, and casual. If there is something going on that you think she would enjoy, you can casually drop an invite, and she might just accept if you aren’t being “all weird”;
- Lastly, be open, flexible and fun. If you do “cross paths,” listen to her, open up, and connect with her sense of humor and you won’t go far wrong so long as you remain “cool and reserved” in the process. See the pattern here?
If you play it right, you may well find it not so tough to win your girl back. Often, trying too hard only gets you the opposite result that you want, so relax. In many cases, the biggest turn off for girls is an overbearing man who just won’t let it go.
So fight those natural urges to pick up that phone (again,) or to purposely go out to where she hangs just so you “bump into” her. I hope you catch my drift here :-)
If you can get a handle on this, regain your composure, you really will improve your chances of getting her back. And that’s all you should ask of yourself.
It’s revealing when you contrast this to how guys typically react to a breakup. What often happens with most guys is that they’ll display all the opposite characteristics to “cool and reserved,” treading dangerously on the line of being an “overbearing man who just won’t let it go.”
The good news? Even though most guys don’t play it smart, clearly, many still reunite with their ex. It happens all the time. Therefore with your new-found knowledge (which you’ll be learning more of,) you really will have given yourself much greater odds of success.
Now, I really must bring up another important point..
Speed is Important
The quicker you begin taking the right steps, the quicker you may be together again. It’s that simple.
If you take too long you might have a harder battle on your hands.
That is, if your ex girlfriend starts dating other men, your chance of success diminishes..
However, if that happens, all is not lost.
I might as well address this now:
See, while it’s not ideal, you can still achieve your goal when she is dating someone else. It’s just harder. But I like to remind the recently single of the “better the devil you know” factor. That is, your ex girlfriend already knows your good and bad points. You have both gone through the “honeymoon period” where you were both on your best behaviour, and have since settled.
All of this can be an advantage for you. Because while dating different people can be initially exciting, it won’t take long for reality to set in.
Your “reality” is already known by your ex. It is typically easier (and certainly more comfortable) to stick with what we know versus trying something new.
This is definitely one reason many couples get back together. They simply feel more comfortable going back to what is already familiar. Good and bad.
(And besides, rebound relationships do not typically last.)
Wrapping This Up and Your Next Steps
The takeaway from all this can be summed up as follows:
Relax, take a break from “chasing” her (instead point your energy toward the man in the mirror..) don’t mope around, get out and about and enjoy yourself, and get to it right away.
Yes, that’s a HUGE simplification of the process, and it is not the “whole story” by far. But it IS a good start.
After a period of time has passed, you may begin the tentative steps of making contact again. With this, how long you wait depends. There isn’t an exact formula for it (I’m working on something close though..) but a few days is not enough, and many recommend about a month.
Update: I have created a tool called SUMO that tells you how long to go “no contact” for on your ex, before reaching out. Become an email subscriber below to learn more.
What next? Well, it’s important you work on yourself during this solitary time. You must learn how to cope and grow into an even better, more richer version of who you are.
Because you’ll never lose when you do that.
Psst.. do you want to know IF you have a CHANCE of getting your girl back?
I’ll give you SEVEN dead giveaway clues your girl wants you back, or is having second thoughts..
Hit the big yellow button now to find out what these seven clues are, and a whole bunch more:
“My girlfriend and I broke up last week. I followed your instructions and we are back together” — Erick Nelson