Your First Text After No Contact Rule: What Do You Say?

Your first text needs three qualities: It has to feel good to receive, be unique, and be able to tell you how hot or cold your ex is. That means: Don’t send anything negative, don’t use a template, and don’t ask for a date.

The first text you send after no contact must have these three qualities

Your First Text Has to Feel Good to Receive

For best results, your first text should feel good for your ex to receive. After all, the better they feel, the more likely they are to respond. So, show your ex you are in a good mood. Because if you are in a good mood, your ex can be in one too. Think about it. If you do the opposite of this, and you come across sad, your ex will feel down as well. This is especially true if your ex carries any guilt about leaving you.


  • Do your best to be happy, upbeat, and carefree
  • Write a message that invites the same qualities from your ex
  • Send a message that feels EASY to reply to

Get yourself in a good mood, and then compose your message.

Your First Text Has to Be Unique

Your first message has to be unique, captivating, and authentic. No one wants a generic “I miss you” or “Hey, how are you?” Nor will your ex appreciate a text you copied from a template. Use your imagination and find something that can’t be found in a Google search.


  • Consider opening with a compliment to get things going in the right direction.
  • Ask your ex about something important and personal to them which most people would not think to ask.
  • Be playful, too. Humour is great for breaking the ice.

Your First Text Has One Goal

Your first text after no contact has one goal: To test the waters and find out how hot or cold your ex is. You are gathering data. You are not trying to get back together in this message. You merely want to see what kind of mood your ex is in. Your first text is one text of many.

In other words, you want to answer these questions with your first —ONE— message:

  • Will my ex reply?
  • If yes, how quickly?
  • Will the response be friendly, cautious, or cold?

Once you find out how hot or cold your ex is, you can adjust your approach accordingly. And you now know something you did not know before.


The first text after the no contact rule has an important job: to gather data about your ex’s emotional state. You want to find out how receptive your ex will be, and what kind of mood they are in so you can adjust accordingly. Of course, you should ensure your message feels GOOD to receive, so you have the best chance of getting a GOOD reply. Lastly, keep in mind your first message also serves as a test run for future messages. Because you will need to know if it gets through or not.

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About the author: i’m a relationship coach specialising in breakup recovery. i’ve been doing this for 12+ years helping thousands worldwide. i created the Breakup Dojo, a popular program with over 1,000 members. i’ve authored several in-demand breakup recovery products, drawing from my deep fascination with psychology. i also publish the “ex-communication” newsletter that’s packed with actionable advice to over 10,000 subscribers worldwide.