It's not unusual to want to get back together with your ex.
The right partner gives life meaning and purpose. If you lost your "right partner" I am deeply sorry.
If you'll let me, I will be happy to help you at this challenging and awful time.
Hi — I'm Michael Fulmer. I've been helping to repair broken relationships for more than 9 years, with clients from all over the world.
Quick Tips ↓
- Do not believe the BOGUS belief you need to get back together. Why? Because this implies your life is not already valuable and therefore projects weakness to your ex.
- Get a plan to follow. And start it now! This undoes the feeling of having no control because following a plan is an act of control.
- Nobody knows what your chances are. Only that you HAVE a chance. Oh, and be careful who you listen to. Yes, friends and family included. Why? Because good people can give bad advice. Especially when they're not an expert in the matter or have a history of success to speak from...
The end of a relationship hits us hard.
I'm sorry it is this pain that has brought you here today.
Goes Without Saying?...
I would love to show you how to get back together but only on the proviso it is genuinely in both your best interests to be together and you can be happier together than apart.
I have no interest in helping misery stay together. That wouldn't be fair to either of you.
Unfortunately some of the advice available for the recently single is, at best, nonsense. And much of it misleading and even cruel.
Please be careful out there!
You may find some will grossly underestimate the pain you are dealing with, while other's have forgotten how painful breaking up can be (or live in denial because they never got over their own.)
Then there are those who want to profit off your misery...
They'll dream up these bold claims on how you can quickly make up with your loved one if you follow their "little-known" steps (available after you pay, of course.)
They're not all bad, though. Some do offer services and products that genuinely help. And you'll find their interests align with yours.
If you do feel that is not the case, you should look elsewhere for help.
This is why I'm writing this heartfelt message to you.
I want you to know that no matter what words I use, I know they can not accurately describe the pain you feel. And I want to slow down and let you know I recognize that. And so, I'm sorry you're going through this.
OK. Let's take a step back.
It's normal after being "dumped" to do something rash and not consider the consequences. You are bubbling over with emotions, after all. And so, it is almost impossible not to be hasty.
Letting your negative emotions take charge is what you must not do.
I know the misery and pain you're living with right now is incredibly difficult to live with. And at times, you'll want to undo this pain more than you'll want anything else.
But the kind of action that follows that particular motivation is usually described as "needy and desperate" by those looking in. Not good!
Some will go to extraordinary lengths to feel relief from their pain. Usually doing something they later regret.
You should always ask what the cost will be if you obey your most basis desires — especially when driven by the pain of losing the one you love forever.
Sadly I've witnessed this time and time again...
That when the focus is wholly and completely on reversing a breakup, and that is all you want and can think about?
You risk over stretching. And breaking something...
For example, this state often leads people to engage in obsessive contacting attempts (usually via texting) and unhealthy uses of social media (e.g. spying) that serve only to weaken the heartbroken.
Don't become a text terrorist!
The exaggerated belief that you need to do this, can have you reaching out and grabbing your ex with both hands, and pleading that they take you back.
This is not attractive.
And, it is not pretty. Yet... I do understand it.
Don't get me wrong. It's not that it is a bad thing to want your relationship back. That is perfectly normal.
It is way you do it, though, that matters. Matters greatly, in fact.
The wrong approach risks pushing the person you love into a rebound relationship with someone else. And that is not what you want.
OK, let's take our time here. Look at all the angles. Just you and me..
By the way, I appreciate you taking the time to read my words.
Many couples reunite. But not all should. And I know that's not easy to read right now.
Listen. Whatever happens. You WILL make it through this. And don't brush that off. Hear me:
You will make it through this.
Even if you feel strongly you won't. And you feel sure the pain you feel right now will stay with you forever? I promise you; it will pass.
It always does.
So hang tight.
—Aside— There are ways to accelerate the healing process. While TIME alone certainly helps, it may not always be enough, or work quickly enough for you.
Let's tackle a troublesome line I wrote above:
Many couples reunite. But not all should.
Before you consider how to reverse your breakup, it is wise to first examine the VALUE of the relationship you're trying to save (or the relationship you believe is possible.) Both for you, and your ex.
It's hard to do. Yes. But no less critical because of that.
So let me ask you:
Do you feel you were both better off as a couple?
- did you both have something worth saving, that you can build upon?;
- did you both add value to the other (rather than take it away?)
And not just that..
Can you both work out whatever differences there was that lead to the breakup?
I urge you to reflect on this.
What can happen during a relationship is that one or both can transition in some manner that sets the two of you on a diverging path.
For example, three big and obvious transitions in life are a career, marriage, and children.
If you were incompatible in one of those areas, you need to think about that. Especially if there is a non-negotiable issue. Some of the clients I work with secretly hoped their partner would change...
That seldom happens, though. People don't change much.
If you were to get back together with your ex but with unaligned hopes and dreams, the relationship will either not last, or be dysfunctional.
It's not often done or considered. But the first thing to do after a break-up isn't to figure out the fastest route to reverse it. No. It is to decide whether to fight to reunite at all.
So, gather info on what caused the breakdown.
If you decide or see that this relationship is better off left in the past, you may want help to get over it. There's no shame in that. Losing someone we love is one of the worst experiences we ever go through.
However, if you decide this person is worth fighting for because the relationship enhanced you both, or it is achievable that it will with some work, keep reading.
How you think, matters.
What you think determines what you do.
So you either leave this all to chance, or you choose to proceed deliberately and purposefully.
I'm not a fan of chance. Not when we're talking about the love of your life.
It's no good sitting around doing nothing after you decide to save your relationship. They're too important to you. And you're suffering too much as it is.
So it's time to take deliberate action.
Now, before we continue. Let's just be clear:
Nothing is guaranteed here.
I would never tell you or anyone else that you WILL reverse a breakup, or dare break it down into percentages. That's foolish. There are no certainties here.
Beware of anyone who tells you that they promise an outcome.
No worries though. Just because we have no guarantees in life, that doesn't mean we never TRY.
Life is uncertain. Always has been. Always will be.
We humans have very little control over it. Over the events. The people, or over the circumstances.. all of it.
Having little control is not the same as having NO control ;-)
We DO influence life around us. We are capable of changing some of the things important to us. Even more so when we are deliberate and smart about it.
Which means NOT leaving things to chance.
Sitting around doing nothing is leaving things to chance.
Don't do that.
You have to take control. You have to get deliberate about the actions you take.
You have to have a strategy.
This means you GREATLY increase the odds that you'll get the outcome you prefer. No question about it.
Just like a weighted dice, if you possess the right tools, it's entirely possible to increase your odds of getting back together.
Now, we should keep in mind something fundamental here about your ex:
I'm not kidding.
The only way the decision of undoing this breakup could have true meaning is if that decision is their own.
Besides, we only take seriously the decisions we choose for ourselves. We will defend and fight for those. We can only truly OWN the choices we made for ourselves.
Decisions that other people cook up for us can easily be rejected. They can not compare to decisions we come to ourselves.
Now, of course.. it is true that we can help another reach the decision we want them to have. That is fine.
The point is, they'll own that decision just the same, only we helped them to reach it.
Here's another thing to keep in mind:
Good intentions don't equal good advice.
While close friends and family mean well, keep in mind that they are not likely to be skilled in the art and science of relationship conflict and recovery!
We do not learn this at school, and most will not study it after.
Ergo, most people parrot what they've heard before. They'll reel off the classic lines (e.g., "plenty more fish in the sea!") without skipping a beat. And, some will push to get you OUT of the pain you are in as quickly as possible (with questionable methods like pushing you into dating before you're ready..) while making efforts to avoid you getting back into the relationship itself.
Be wary of each person's self-interest.
So YES, be sure to appreciate good intentions wherever you find them, but be wary of any self-serving "good ideas" that serve someone else rather than you.
And last, always remember that good people may give bad advice when the subject matter is outside of their expertise.
The summary / outline looks like this, typically:
- Take a strategic break, giving you and your ex space to process what has happened;
- Spend the time during this break to work on yourself, to heal, and implement positive changes in your life;
- After sufficient time has passed, initiate a reconnection with your ex (but no attempt to reunite at this stage);
- The fragile phase of reconciliation (the transition from friendly "meet-ups" to becoming romantically involved again;
- Building the best relationship you both deserve (you should treat it like a new relationship, rather than a reboot of the old.)
Of course, there are many steps involved in each of the above I've outlined. It's not practical to convey them all — with explanations and examples — in just one page.
That aside, let me explain:
Let's talk a little about human nature. That is: the characteristics that you and I have in common, along with everybody else (human.)
We all share commonalities because of how our species evolved. And the result is that we all have the same "human drivers" that operate inside us, deep down in our core. They influence us in everything we do.
What kind of things?
One example is attraction.
You would agree I'm sure, that a weak and needy person is unattractive. I'm sure of that because it is human nature and universal in life to find desperateness an unattractive quality.
This is not a choice, remember. We do not choose the man or woman we are attracted to. It is instinctive. Whether you like it or not. Due to how we are wired, that's the result..
It's important we understand that.
Because.. guess how most people react when they're "dumped?"
And consider this: your ex most likely fell for you in the first place because you were, at least in some respects, a confident and positive person to be around.
You demonstrated an array of strengths, which to your ex, compelled them to be with you. They were interested in you on a level beyond their control.
Where most people go wrong at the breakup point is this: they turn needy and desperate (and that is perfectly natural.)
Problem is, they turn into the very type of person we're not wired to find attractive. Again, not by choice as it is all based on biology. And so, we want to put distance between them and us because it does not feel good to experience the one we love losing their mojo! Can you see that?
The natural response to breaking up is to fall apart mentally and emotionally, followed by physically. And thus be reduced to the desperate shadow of our former self.
That's the kicker here.
You have to fight your natural reaction to the breakup, to conquer your fear of being alone, and the idea of your boyfriend or girlfriend finding someone else.
That's a lot to fight.
Do you see how the one who shunned you holds power here?
You need to turn the tables and regain composure, or else this weakness will be the undoing of your relationship for good.
While it might be great to convince the one you love to revert their decision instead of doubling down on the breakup, you must first address your own problems. And when it comes to your breakup, it's not so much what you do as what you don't do that's more important in the early stages (damage limitation.)
They say your mind is your worst enemy. Ask any poor unfortunate soul whose partner cheated on them, and they'll tell you how they are driven mad by the disturbing images or thoughts in their mind, like they are under a spell.
What kind of thoughts? The kind where they think of their partner with that other person...
About what they got up to. In all the gory details.
It's hard to stop your mind because the more you try NOT to think about something, the more you do.
The mind can be cruel. And if you aren't prepared, it will feel like there's nothing you can do about it.
Part of the healing process after a breakup is learning how to cope with the mind and the endless "stinking thinking" that follows.
Otherwise you will struggle to position yourself as someone your ex can want to be with.
Speaking of mind tricks..
You can benefit from gently "planting" seeds into their mind (though really, they do it for you.)
Well, when you correctly give your ex space to breathe and you stay just outside their radar, they no longer get any feedback on you. Which can work in your favor.
Without input from you, they no longer know how you are, what you're doing, or what you're thinking.
Because of this, and it only takes a short while.. they may begin to fill in the gaps with their own assumptions. And often, the brain has a habit of inserting ideas worse than reality.
Let's not kid ourselves here. The mind is cruel. It'll come up with all manner of ideas and notions, and a large portion of those will be a bit evil. Worse, it'll play those thoughts on a loop more than any other.
- "Why is he not phoning?"
- "Has she found someone else?"
- "What is he up to?!"
- "I bet he's with such-and-such from work.."
The not knowing bit can pick away at you.
And what if the only feedback they get (especially over social media like Facebook and Twitter etc, but also through friends) is that you appear happy, you're outgoing, and are mostly positive? Remember, if he or she is to get any feedback at all, it is probably better if you give THAT impression instead of one where you mope around and look depressed.
Of course, you'll want to be careful how you do this. For example, the no contact rule is commonly advised after breaking up. It is a sound, recommended step to take... yet it is easy to overdo it. There are caveats to consider when implementing "radio silence." And if you do not know them, you will worsen your position.
Getting back together is a delicate process, not an event. It is a journey, not a tactic you find online. That's why it's good to read this along with the other articles found here. You are preparing yourself for the long distance.
But also consider this: your situation is unique. Which means it would be unreasonable to apply "black and white" answers and expect 100% success. Getting step-by-step instructions specific for YOUR situation would naturally be better. If you feel your situation would warrant it, it's worth looking into email coaching.
It would be remiss of me to ignore the reality that not all broken relationships can be saved...
Or even SHOULD be!
If that's the case you'll want help to move on and there's no shame in that. What you are doing here is not always about saving the relationship. For many, it is about undoing the pain. And then, and only when ready... to begin a new relationship.
With that said, let's wrap up:
First, be rational — are you a compatible, healthy couple? If not, could you be?
Consider this carefully, and you'll either be more sure and persuasive about undoing the break-up, or you'll save yourself unnecessary heartache by moving on to the healing and recovery stage more quickly.
Second, spending time with friends would be better than indulging your negative thoughts. At least until you feel calmer.
If you let your feelings take charge, it will probably be a huge mistake.
Third, be alert about how you carry yourself. How you react, and what signals you give off, it all matters.
If you resort to the behavior that feels most natural (you will if you do not exercise awareness,) you'll probably repel your ex, cementing their decision to break up with you in the first place. Don't give them reason to stand by their decision!
Lastly, be prepared to put in the work, and have patience. It's probably not going to happen quickly.
Get a plan of action, work on yourself, and keep in mind the PROCESS of saving a relationship (that is, it is not something you do in a single moment, but instead achieve over a period of weeks or however long it takes.)
My best wishes to you,
These SEVEN dead giveaway clues tell you what your chances are:
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My girlfriend and I broke up last week. I followed your instructions and we are back together" — Erick Nelson
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