How to Make Your Ex Want You Back

Can you really make your ex do anything?

Be honest — are you one of those people who wants to know how to make your ex want you back?

Hey, don’t worry. You are in good hands here.

Woman holding the arm of her man, facing away

To Want Control is Normal

Wanting to “make” the world — and the people in it — fit our desires is perfectly normal.

Especially after a breakup, when we are highly charged with emotions.

Wanting to know how to make your ex want you back is nothing to feel ashamed about.

The truth is, this is how many of us think when backed into an emotional corner. Not necessarily out of malice, or a sign we have control issues. It is more a symptom of the pain we are in.

Pain motivates action! And breakup pain can be especially persuasive.

Can You Make Your Ex Do Anything?

Not without being a cruel and terrible person. Not legally. And not in any way that resembles romance.

Interestingly, the intense desire to force your ex to want to come back into your arms explains why some will purchase crazy “love spells” (which I do not recommend.)

Tip: Some of my clients have admitted, “I was controlling with my ex” and this absolutely put them in a weak position. So take it from me, no one likes to be forced or pushed into doing anything, especially with matters of the heart!

Thankfully, most of the people visiting this page are looking for a harmless way to become wanted and desired by their ex. Nothing more.

And so here we are.

Now before we look at that, let’s back up a bit. Because there is something I want to discuss with you (after which, I will give you the next best thing to making someone want you.)

Making Yourself Mad Thinking About Your Ex?

You could probably do with a break from the crazy thoughts running around your head.

You know the kind: thoughts of your ex being intimate with another, about what you did wrong and what you could have done different, etc.

Ouch.

You probably lay awake at night wondering how to fix this mess.

You are not alone:

Most people suffer the same kind of thoughts after a breakup.

And just like them, it is obvious that you would yearn for relief from your mental anguish.

And how?

By convincing your ex to want you back as badly as you want to be free of the pain. That’s how.

After all, it would stop your pain.

Hopefully the above gives you a clearer understanding of your predicament.

OK, deep breath.

Make Your Head Straight Again

Before you can become a compelling proposition for your ex, you first need to get your head straight.

This is about setting realistic expectations.

Yes, be hopeful. Be optimistic. But not naive. Because this isn’t a time for tricks or love potions (total nonsense in case I wasn’t clear beforehand!)

Neither is this the time for sending a quick text message you grabbed off the internet. I mean, sure, it could get a reaction. But what comes after that? And how do you keep it up?

Don’t fall into that trap.

You’re not ready for any moves until you have your head on straight. And even then, the one-trick pony isn’t going to save your relationship.

The reality is that you must back up the approach you take with a confident inner core.

When you are self-governing (having control over yourself) you are ready to approach your ex.

When you are out-of-control, you must stay away from your ex!

To know how to make your ex want you back, you must know when to let go. Paradoxically as that may sound…

Getting your head clear and your impulses under control gives you the composure needed to show your ex what they are missing.

You can’t fake this, or expect your ex to pretend things are “different this time” just because you believe that it is.

Make time for your healing!

If you meet your ex wearing desperation on your face, resentment in your heart, with no confidence or self-belief, then no amount of tricks or games will convince this guy or girl to stand by your side.

What You Do Matters

You have more control over what happens next in your life than you might think. More than most allow themselves to believe.

Those who follow a plan will discover just how true that is.

The mistake is believing you don’t have ANY control as that only encourages you to approach things in an uncontrolled manner.

What does that mean?

It means to approach your relationship woes without thought or planning.

It means to act purely on “gut instinct,” and at best, swiping a couple of text message templates off the net.

LAZY.

You need to understand that lazy thinking leads to random, poor, indiscriminate action (i.e., poor results.)

Boo!

So accept the truth:

What you do MATTERS!

If you’re not careful, what you say and do next could destroy any chance you have of your ex wanting you back.

Yes, really.

Don’t Make Matters Worse

When you are highly charged with emotions, and only think about “making things right” then what you have is a recipe for disaster.

Experience has shown me this time and time again, working with guys and girls the world over.

For example, if your ex is looking to get space from you and the relationship, yet you decide to bring your emotional self to their door, there will be a clash.

Which only makes your ex want MORE space from you.

Develop the presence of mind to know when to move closer to your ex, and when to keep your schedule so busy you couldn’t even spare a moment to pick up the phone.

Pressure kills chances, fast. What is pressure? Anything your ex doesn’t want ;-)

So, there are many mistakes people make following a breakup that only serves to make matters worse. But they can’t help it because of how crazy the breakup left them.

You need to be able to tap into what your ex needs and desires. Which will change, even daily, as they play out different memories of what happened.

This is why taking a step back is essential.

At first, they are more likely to think and feel the negative stuff more than the loving parts.

And so, if you use this time — when your ex is still probably angry and hurting — to become aware of the common issues you sparked, and how your actions affected him or her, you will have a chance to avoid making them again.

Fight for, and gift yourself every advantage that can be won, to build attraction and help remind your ex what they are losing.

Now…

Avoiding unnecessary mistakes comes down to good preparation (and a helpful hand — keep reading!)

And, I realize the above sounds a little dramatic, and maybe even a little cruel with all my warnings?

Don’t worry.

Because, if you are not feeling optimistic, the sentence below will cheer you up. Read it twice:

Is it not reasonable to suggest that because your ex already knows your good and bad points, and is already familiar with you, that it may be easier for them to come back to you, than it would be to start over fresh with someone else?

The above logic is perfectly sound, yes? Indeed it is.

But it gets better:

When you take the time to educate yourself on the right things to say and do, rather than letting your “lazy” brain take charge, you dramatically improve your odds of it happening.

Nice.

Become Wanted Again: Two Actionable Steps

OK. Let’s get down to business.

I’m going to tell you how to help inspire your ex-boyfriend or girlfriend to miss you, with the goal that they’ll be more likely to WANT you back soon after.

To be clear, while you may want to know how to make your ex want you back, we both by now that is a bit crazy. Right? So instead, we will focus on creating the foundation that will increase the chance your ex will WANT you back.

Make sense?

So here are two actionable steps you can implement right away:

  1. If you’re still in contact with your ex, go and tell them that you think being separated is a good idea and for the best. Tell them they were right to end it, and that it was hopeless the way things were. Be gentle yet firm with this. If you’re not on good grounds with your ex, you could skip this and go straight to #2;
  2. For the next few weeks or so, do not make any attempt to contact your ex, or even inquire about them through friends or family. Stay clear; no more text messages, no calling, and certainly do not go hang out at the same places you “just happen” to know your ex does. Some believe (including me) that hanging close at this time can be a bad idea. You probably want to follow the no contact rule for a while. Don’t even ask their friends or family how they’re doing.

With step #2, it is crucial you make the most of the time apart. If you do not, you significantly reduce your value in your ex’s eye later on.

If these steps seem overly harsh to you, and I can understand why then feel free to make your own adjustments. But stopping any “I want you back” moves would greatly help your cause.

Let me explain:

The above is purposely designed to remove or reduce any trace of you appearing (or being) the weak and needy one in the relationship. You might not have noticed, but when your ex broke up with you, you didn’t just lose them. You very likely lost much of your control as well, or the feeling of control, or of being “an equal” with your partner. Which is normal and certainly nothing for you to feel sorry about. Once you exercise the two steps above (especially #2,) you will gain back some of the power you lost in the breakup.

AND:

I must stress you need to spend time on yourself. Because you have to get your self back before anyone can want you. Otherwise, it will be for nothing.

If you can’t reach a state of “I’m OK no matter what happens,” then you’re going to have a difficult time persuading your ex that you both are “meant to be.”

Human nature is a fascinating thing. Sometimes, doing nothing more than giving someone space can compel them to want to fill that space again…

When someone who was recently close to us, moves out of our space, we almost always begin to wonder what they’re up to, and who with. Or we just miss the feeling of being wanted.

When you try too hard, you risk pushing your partner away. Instead, you want to “play it cool” and let human nature take its course. This way, you may well find your ex wants you back, rather than wanting you to back off.

See the difference?

But please give your ex something compelling to want to return to!

Tips to Make Success More Likely

In no particular order:

Stay clear of your ex on social media, including Facebook and Instagram, etc.

Only post happy, upbeat updates online. Only talk about positive events. About the good work you are doing. Don’t speak about relationships, or of what you regret. Keep that personal. You want your ex to question their decision, to have doubts. So show them your calm side.

Commit to a no-contact period that is long enough to reflect the degree of drama and hurt in the breakup. It will feel deeply challenging but take it slowly. It is worth every second.

Don’t enter a rebound relationship during this time. If your ex does? Remember that dating before you are ready will turn that relationship into a source of pain and misery. Ergo, don’t be jealous. It won’t last. And, it actually reveals your ex is not over you.

Don’t quit:

Many coaching clients wanted to break the silence. And, I have to be firm. But, those who stick with it win more than those who don’t. And, I remind them of that. Take from that what you will. So, recognize the difference between what you want, and what you need…

Last, imagine the strength you will have when you look back at this time months from now. People will admire your ability to maintain distance!

How to Make My Ex Want Me Back?

Let me recap, and throw in a few extra tips for good measure:

  1. Make some space: rest, catch up with friends, and hope your ex misses your company and thinks about you;
  2. Be genuinely open and ready to feel emotionally OK someday, shortly perhaps — AND, to even be completely fine with being single! (because future you will be, regardless of how you feel today);
  3. Acknowledge why things ended so you have the eyes to see and prevent what finishes couples;
  4. Get a mission: something bigger than yourself, because nothing makes us more beautiful and interesting to those around us than having a purpose;
  5. Have a plan: get a guide to follow, and/or someone smart (hi!) to support you on your journey (I have a comprehensive program you can follow to greatly increase your chances — just email me to get started);
  6. Don’t make the same mistakes as everyone else: don’t beg, chase, or send gifts… and don’t become a “texting terrorist,” or use reason to get what you want (lead with emotion);
  7. Have quality me time: do what makes you smile, and is fun, and do it more often because enjoying yourself makes you more appealing and attractive (we are naturally interested in happiness, and besides… who wants to hang around with misery?);
  8. Get their attention: after a suitable break, decide whether to send a written letter, or simply a text, that makes sense for both the context of your situation and your exes likely mood;
  9. Start a conversation they will care to have: match the level of interest your ex has (or reveals to you) to get their attention, while avoiding the urge to jump ahead (a poor strategy);
  10. Make them jealous: think of ways to make it appear like you are unconquered and available, but hold back on dating and avoid sex unless you want complications later (not recommended!) — don’t upset your ex, just agitate a little and drop signs you have value which others desire;
  11. Don’t waste time doing a quiz: no quiz —or human— can 100% know the degree of chance you have, but it doesn’t matter because you always have a chance, and that’s all you need to know!
  12. Make contact more often when things are going well: if they answer your questions, ask about your day, and give signals to suggest healthier times ahead, keep doing what you are doing plus a little more on top!
  13. Leave things in the past: frequently talking about problems feels bad, and may plant doubt in the minds of both. It is safer to set your view forward to the future to minimize negativity (communicating about what is broken is not always appropriate or productive, and can throw your progress away!)

Lastly…

I often say that making up again is more a delicate process than an event. As such, I think it is commendable that you are reading this article, and encourage you to seek more guidance to help you with your mission to be together again, because the more you know, the more likely your success.

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Michael Fulmer: The Gonzo Breakup Coach. Writes the Ex-Communication Daily newsletter. Founded undoabreakup.com in 2011. Has spent 9+ years giving breakup recovery advice to clients all over the world. The mastermind of Second Chance, a premium course showing men and women how to create their best chance of saving the relationship.

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