In this article, we’ll tackle the sensitive question of how to make your ex want you back. Why? Because a lot of men and women ask me about this after a breakup. So, let’s dig in.
Where to start? Well, the elephant in the room is free will. Which is to say, you shouldn’t be trying to make your ex do anything they don’t want to do.
Instead, you want to think about how you can sway your ex into thinking they made a mistake. And after that, thinking about what it would be like if you got back together. At which point, your ex wanting you back is not a stretch.
If you follow the right steps and play it smart, you can help make the outcome you want, happen. And you can start today.
I should know.
Over the last decade, I have reunited countless men and women with their ex. Angry, hurt, pessimistic exes who swore up and down it was over (before I got involved.)
But again, I must repeat:
We want your ex to want you back by choice, not by force. Otherwise, it does not mean the same. When your ex chooses to come back because they love and miss you, it is the best feeling.
Are you worried your ex will move on?
You may lay awake worried your ex will be dating other people and moving on with life without you.
You can almost hear the clock ticking and picture the door to your ex closing in front of you.
You may obsess over what you could have done.
If you lay awake at night stressing how to fix this mess with your ex?
You are not alone.
Most people suffer the same kind of thoughts after a breakup. Like you, they’re desperate for relief from the mental anguish.
The problem is pain compels you to take rash action you’ll regret. Action which can jeopardize your opportunity to get back together with your ex.
In short, your desire to be free of pain may turn into careless attempts to convince your ex it’s a good idea to want you back.
Reacting to your pain this way is not a good strategy.
OK, deep breath.
Get your head straight again
Before you can become a compelling proposition for your ex, the first step is to get your head straight.
After a breakup, you want to follow the no contact rule for a while.
Taking a break from your ex helps to prevent regret. It is also about setting realistic expectations.
With your expectations, you should be hopeful and optimistic (proactive.) Not naive —don’t fall for tricks or love potions— or pessimistic (a quitter.)
This is not the time for sending your ex a quick text message you grabbed off the internet. I mean, sure, it could get a reaction. But what comes after that? And how do you keep it up?
Don’t fall into that trap.
You’re not ready to contact your ex until you have your head on straight. And even then, the one-trick pony isn’t going to save your relationship.
The reality is you must back up the approach you take with a confident inner core.
When you are self-governing (you have control over yourself) you are ready to approach your ex.
When you are out-of-control and in pain, you must stay away from your ex.
To know how to make your ex want you back, you must know when to let go.
With your head clear and impulses under control, you gain composure. You can use this to show your ex what they are missing.
You can’t fake this, or expect your ex to pretend things are “different this time” because you believe it will be.
Make time for your healing!
If you meet your ex wearing desperation on your face, resentment in your heart, with no confidence or self-belief, no trick or game will convince this guy or girl to stand by your side.
Make it easier to want you back
You have more control over what happens in your life and with your ex than you think.
Those who follow a good plan will discover how true that is.
The mistake is believing you don’t have ANY control after a breakup as that encourages you to approach things in an uncontrolled manner.
What does uncontrolled mean?
It means to approach your relationship woes without thought or planning the steps.
It means to act on “gut instinct,” and at best, swiping a couple of text message templates off the net.
You need to understand that lazy thinking leads to random, poor, indiscriminate action (i.e., poor results with your ex.)
Accept the truth:
What you do after your breakup MATTERS.
If you’re not careful, what you say and do next could destroy any hope you have of your ex wanting you back.
Yes, friend, really.
You can make it easier for your ex to want you back. Or harder. Your job is to focus on the former. This is where you do have control.
Know when to make your move
When you are charged with emotions and think about “making things right” to get your ex back, you have a recipe for disaster.
Experience has shown me what happens to those who act before they were ready: Pain and regret. Working with guys and girls all over the world, I should know.
For example, if your ex is looking to get space from you and the relationship, yet you decide to bring your emotional self to their door, there will be a clash.
Which makes your ex want MORE space from you.
Develop the presence of mind to know when to move closer to your ex, and when to keep your schedule so busy you couldn’t even spare a moment to pick up the phone.
Pressure kills chances, fast. What is pressure? Anything your ex doesn’t want 😉
There are many mistakes people make following a breakup that make matters worse. But they can’t help it because of how crazy the breakup left them.
You need to be able to tap into what your ex needs and desires. Which will change, even daily, as they play out different memories of what happened.
This is why taking a step back is essential.
At first, they are likely to think and feel the negative stuff more than the loving parts.
Use this time —when your ex is angry or hurting— to identify the problems you sparked and consider how your actions affected him or her. You can use this data to improve your chances.
Fight for, and gift yourself every advantage you can win, to build attraction and help remind your ex what they are losing.
Avoiding unnecessary mistakes with your ex comes down to proper preparation (and a helpful hand — keep reading.)
I realise the above sounds dramatic and a bit cruel with all my warnings?
Because, if you are not feeling optimistic, the next sentence will cheer you up. Read it twice:
As your ex knows your good and bad points and is familiar with you, it is arguably easier to come back to you than start over fresh with someone else. Your goal is to re-attract your ex, not convince someone who never had an attraction for you!
The above logic is sound, yes?
But it gets better:
When you take the time to educate yourself on the right things to say and do, rather than letting your “lazy” brain take charge, you dramatically improve your odds of it happening.
Become wanted again: Two actionable steps
I’m going to tell you how to make your ex want you or, more accurately, help inspire your ex-boyfriend or girlfriend to miss you so they’ll more likely want you back.
To be clear, while you may want to know how to make your ex want you back, we both know that is a bit crazy. Right? So instead, we will focus on creating the foundation that will increase the chance your ex will WANT you back.
So here are two actionable steps you can implement right away:
- If you’re still in contact with your ex, go and tell them you think being separated is a good idea and for the best. Tell them they were right to end it, and that it was hopeless the way things were. Be gentle yet firm with this. If you’re not on good grounds with your ex, you could skip this and go straight to #2;
- For the next few weeks or so, do not make any attempt to contact your ex, or even inquire about them through friends or family. Stay clear; no more text messages, no calling, and certainly do not go hang out at the same places you “just happen” to know your ex does. Some believe (including me) that hanging close at this time can be a bad idea. Stay quiet for a while. Don’t even ask their friends or family how they’re doing.
With step #2, you must make the most of the time apart. If you do not, you reduce your value in your ex’s eye later on.
If these steps seem harsh to you, and I can understand why, feel free to make your own adjustments. But stopping any “I want you back” moves will help your cause.
Let me explain:
The above is designed to remove or reduce any trace of you appearing (or being) the weak and needy one in the relationship. You might not have noticed, but when your ex broke up with you, you didn’t only lose them. You lost much of your control as well, or the feeling of control or of being “an equal” with your partner. Which is normal and nothing for you to feel sorry about. Once you exercise the two steps above (especially #2,) you will gain back some of the power you lost to your ex in the breakup.
I must stress you need to spend time on yourself. Because you have to get your self back before anyone can want you back. Otherwise, it will be for nothing.
If you can’t reach a state of “I’m OK no matter what happens,” then you’re going to have a difficult time persuading your ex you both are “meant to be.”
Human nature is a fascinating thing. Doing nothing more than giving someone space can compel them to want to fill that space…
When someone who was close to us, moves out of our space, we always wonder what they’re up to, and who with. Or we miss the feeling of being wanted.
When you try too hard, you risk pushing your partner away. Instead, you want to “play it cool” and let human nature take its course. This way, you may find your ex wants you back, rather than wanting you to back off.
See the difference?
Give your ex something compelling they will want to return to.
Could you get back together quickly?
If your breakup was an overreaction, rash, and unplanned, then yes. It is possible to get back together quickly.
Sometimes when two people argue, neither wants to back down. And, rather than admitting that, things blow up and the next thing they know, they’re separated.
In such cases, there is no reason why you can’t make up quickly. There isn’t a major blockage, you just need to admit your hot temper got the better of you. And give your ex a chance to do the same.
Tips to make success more likely
In no particular order:
Stay clear of your ex on social media, including Facebook and Instagram, etc.
Only post happy, upbeat updates online. Only talk about positive events. About the good work you are doing. Don’t speak about relationships, pain, or of what you regret. Keep that private. You want your ex to question their decision, to have doubts. So show them your calm side.
Commit to a no-contact period that is long enough to reflect the degree of drama and hurt in the breakup. It will feel challenging but take it slowly. It is worth every second.
Don’t enter a rebound relationship during this time. If your ex does? Remember that dating before you are ready will turn that relationship into a source of pain and misery. Ergo, don’t be jealous. It won’t last. It reveals your ex is not over you.
Many coaching clients wanted to break the silence. And I have to be firm. But those who stick with it win more than those who don’t. And I remind them of that. Take from that what you will. So, recognise the difference between what you want and what you need…
Last, imagine the strength you will have looking back at this time months from now. People will admire your ability to maintain distance.
How to make my ex want me back?
Let me recap, and throw in a few extra tips for good measure:
- Make some space: Breakups are hard, so rest, catch up with friends and hope your ex misses your company and thinks about you;
- Be hopeful: Be genuinely open and ready to feel emotionally OK someday, shortly perhaps — AND, to be fine with being single (because future you will be, regardless of how you feel today);
- Be honest: Acknowledge why things ended so you have the eyes to see and prevent what finishes couples;
- Get a mission: Something bigger than yourself, because nothing makes us more beautiful and exciting to those around us than having a purpose;
- Have a plan: Get a guide to follow, and someone smart (hi,) to support you on your journey (I have a comprehensive program you can follow to increase your chances significantly — just email me to get started);
- Don’t make the same mistakes as everyone else: Don’t beg, chase, or send gifts… and don’t become a “texting terrorist,” or use reason to get what you want (lead with emotion);
- Have quality me-time: Do what makes you smile, and is fun, and do it more often because enjoying yourself makes you more appealing and attractive (we are naturally interested in happiness, and besides… who wants to hang around with misery?);
- Get their attention: After a suitable break, decide whether to send a written letter, or simply a text, that makes sense for both the context of your situation and your exes likely mood;
- Start a conversation they will care to have: Match the level of interest your ex has (or reveals to you) to get their attention while avoiding the urge to jump ahead (a poor strategy);
- Positive body language: Remember that when you communicate, your words are the tip of the iceberg. Humans broadcast a slew of signals through body language using “nonverbal communication.” Your physical movements and gestures reveal how engaged, interested, approachable, and open you are. Consider your facial expressions, body posture, eye movement etc. when you are with your ex;
- Make them jealous: Think of ways to make it appear like you are unconquered and available, but hold back on dating and avoid sex unless you want complications later (not recommended!) — don’t upset your ex, just agitate a little and drop signs you have value which others desire;
- Work on improving your chances, not on calculating your chances: Don’t waste time doing some ex back quiz as no quiz —or human— can 100% know the degree of chance you have, and it doesn’t matter either because you always have a chance, and that’s all you need to know;
- Make contact more often when things are going well: If they answer your questions, ask about your day, and give signals to suggest healthier times ahead, keep doing what you are doing plus a little more on top;
- Leave things in the past: Frequently talking about problems feels bad, and may plant doubt in the minds of both. It is safer to set your view on the future to minimise negativity (communicating about what is broken is not always appropriate or productive and undo your progress)
Making up again is a delicate process, not an event. As such, it is commendable you are reading this article. I encourage you to seek more guidance to help with your mission to be together again because the more you know, the more likely your success.