In this article, we’ll tackle the sensitive question of how to make your ex want you back. Why? Because a lot of men and women ask me about this after a breakup. So, let’s dig in.
Where to start? Well, the elephant in the room is free will. Which is to say, you shouldn’t be trying to make your ex do anything they don’t want to do.
Instead, you want to think about how you can sway your ex into thinking they made a mistake. And after that, thinking about what it would be like if you got back together. At which point, your ex wanting you back is not a stretch.
If you follow the right steps and play it smart, you can help make the outcome you want, happen. And you can start today.
I should know.
Over the last decade, I have reunited countless men and women with their ex. Angry, hurt, pessimistic exes who swore up and down it was over (before I got involved.)
But again, I must repeat:
We want your ex to want you back by choice, not by force. Otherwise, it does not mean the same. When your ex chooses to come back because they love and miss you, it is the best feeling.
Let’s jump right in!
How to Become Wanted Again: Two Actionable Steps
Let’s look at how you can inspire your ex-boyfriend or girlfriend to miss you so they’ll more likely want you back.
Here’s two actionable steps you can implement right away:
- If you’re still in contact with your ex, go and tell them you think being separated is a good idea and for the best. Tell them they were right to end it, and that it was hopeless the way things were. Be gentle yet firm with this. If you’re not on good grounds with your ex, you could skip this and go straight to #2;
- For the next few weeks or so, do not make any attempt to contact your ex, or even inquire about them through friends or family. Stay clear; no more text messages, no calling, and certainly do not go hang out at the same places you “just happen” to know your ex does. Some believe (including me) that hanging close at this time can be a bad idea. Stay quiet for a while. Don’t even ask a mutual friend how they’re doing.
With step #2, you must make the most of the time apart. If you do not, you reduce your value in your ex’s eye later on.
If these steps seem harsh to you, and I can understand why, feel free to make your own adjustments. But stopping any “I want you back” moves will help your cause.
Let me explain:
The above is designed to remove or reduce any trace of you appearing (or being) the weak and needy one in the relationship. You might not have noticed, but when your ex broke up with you, you didn’t only lose them. You lost much of your control as well, or the feeling of control or of being “an equal” with your partner. Which is normal and nothing for you to feel sorry about. Once you exercise the two steps above (especially #2,) you will gain back some of the power you lost to your ex in the breakup.
Why You Must Take Care of Yourself
I must stress you need to take care of yourself. Because you have to get your self back before anyone can want you back. Otherwise, it will be for nothing.
If you can’t reach a state of “I’m OK no matter what happens,” then you’re going to have a difficult time persuading your ex you both are “meant to be.”
Human nature is a fascinating thing. Doing nothing more than giving someone space can compel them to want to fill that space…
When someone who was close to us, moves out of our space, we always wonder what they’re up to, and who with. Or we miss the feeling of being wanted.
When you try too hard, you risk pushing your partner away. Instead, you want to “play it cool” and let human nature take its course. This way, you may find your ex wants you back, rather than wanting you to back off.
See the difference?
Give your ex something compelling they will want to return to.
That means keeping your self-esteem in check and keeping your head clear. When you look after yourself, you are calm and can think straight, helping you become more appealing.
Confused? One of the best ways to clear your head after a breakup is to pause communication for a while.
Taking a break from your ex also helps to prevent regret.
It is a huge mistake to involve your ex in your grieving, anger, and recovery phases. And it is a mistake to beg for a second chance. Showing weakness is the biggest regret people have. By cutting contact, you keep your hurt and anger away from your ex and thus prevent regret.
Another reason to break contact is to allow yourself the space to set realistic expectations.
With your expectations, aim to be hopeful and optimistic (proactive.) Not naive —don’t fall for tricks or love potions— or pessimistic (a quitter.)
This is not the time for sending your ex a quick text message you grabbed off the internet. I mean, sure, it could get a reaction. But what comes after that? And how do you keep it up?
Don’t fall into that trap.
You’re not ready to contact your ex until you have your head on straight. And even then, the one-trick pony isn’t going to save your relationship.
The reality is you must back up the approach you take with a confident inner core.
When you are self-governing (you have control over yourself,) you are ready to approach your ex.
When you are out-of-control and in pain, you must stay away from your ex. Negative emotions will guide you wrong and are a sign to keep away.
To know how to make your ex want you back, you must know when to let go.
With your head clear and impulses under control, you gain composure. You can use this to show your ex what they are missing.
You can’t fake this, or expect your ex to pretend things are “different this time” because you believe it will be.
Make time for your healing.
If you meet your ex wearing desperation on your face, resentment in your heart, with no confidence or self-belief, no trick or game will convince this guy or girl to stand by your side.
Follow a Plan
You have more control than you think over what happens next, especially if you follow a good plan.
The mistake is thinking you have NO control after a breakup, because that makes you more likely to act out of control.
What does “out of control” mean?
It means tackling relationship problems without planning.
It means acting on “gut instinct” and swiping text message templates off the net.
You need to realise that if you don’t think things through, you’ll act in a random and careless way, which will lead to bad results with your ex.
Accept what is true:
What you do after breaking up is important.
What you say and do could destroy your chances of getting your ex back.
You can make it easier for your ex to want you back. Or harder. Your job is to focus on the former. This is where you have control.
Tips to Make Success More Likely
In no particular order:
- Stay clear of your ex on social media, including Facebook and Instagram, etc.
- Only post happy, upbeat updates online.
- Only talk about positive events. About the good work you are doing.
- Don’t speak about relationships, pain, or of what you regret. Keep that private. You want your ex to question their decision, to have doubts. So show them your calm side.
- Commit to a no-contact period that is long enough to reflect the degree of drama and hurt in the breakup. It will feel challenging but take it slowly. It is worth every second.
- Don’t enter a rebound relationship during this time. If your ex does? Remember that dating before you are ready will turn that relationship into a source of pain and misery. Ergo, don’t be jealous. It won’t last. It reveals your ex is not over you.
- Don’t quit: Many coaching clients wanted to break the silence. And I have to be firm. But those who stick with it win more than those who don’t. And I remind them of that. Take from that what you will.
- Recognise the difference between what you want and what you need…
Know When to Make Your Move
When you’re upset and thinking about “making things right,” you’re setting yourself up for disaster.
Experience has shown me what happens to those who act before they are ready: Pain and regret. Working with guys and girls all over the world, I should know.
For example, if your ex is looking to get space from you and the relationship, yet you decide to bring your emotional self to their door, there will be a clash.
Which makes your ex want MORE space from you.
In your head, you might think showing remorse for a mistake or spilling your guts about how much you love your ex will win them over. But in real life, cold-hard reality, such displays only make everyone uncomfortable.
Develop the presence of mind to know when to move closer to your ex, and when to keep your schedule so busy you couldn’t even spare a moment to pick up the phone.
To put this another way?
Pressure kills chances, fast. What is pressure? Anything your ex doesn’t want 😉
There are many mistakes people make following a breakup that make matters worse. But they can’t help it because of how crazy the breakup left them.
You need to be able to tap into what your ex needs and desires. Which will change, even daily, as they play out different memories of what happened.
This is why taking a step back is essential.
At first, they are likely to think and feel the negative stuff more than the loving parts.
Use this time —when your ex is angry or hurting— to identify the problems you sparked and consider how your actions affected him or her. You can use this data to improve your chances.
Fight for, and gift yourself every advantage you can win, to build attraction and help remind your ex what they are losing.
Avoiding unnecessary mistakes with your ex comes down to proper preparation (and a helpful hand — keep reading.)
Do my warnings sound harsh and dramatic?
If you are not feeling optimistic, the next sentence will cheer you up. Read it twice:
Since your ex knows both the good and bad things about you and is used to you, it might be easier for him or her to come back to you than to start over with someone else. Therefore, your goal is to increase desire, not convince someone who never felt attracted to you in the first place.
The above logic is sound, yes?
But it gets better:
When you take the time to educate yourself on the right things to say and do, rather than letting your “lazy” brain take charge, you dramatically improve your odds of it happening.
Could You Get Back Together Quickly?
If your breakup was an overreaction, rash, and unplanned, then yes. It is possible to get back together quickly.
Sometimes when two people argue, neither wants to back down. And, rather than admitting that, things blow up and the next thing they know, they’re separated.
In such cases, there is no reason why you can’t make up quickly. There isn’t a major blockage, you just need to take a leap of faith and admit your hot temper got the better of you. And give your ex a chance to do the same.
Quick-Fire Tips You Can Use Today!
Here are a few extra tips you can use for good measure:
- Make some space: Breakups are hard, so rest, catch up with friends and hope your ex misses your company and thinks about you;
- Be hopeful: Be genuinely open and ready to feel emotionally OK someday, shortly perhaps — AND, to be fine with being single (because future you will be, regardless of how you feel today);
- Be honest: Acknowledge why things ended so you can maintain a healthy relationship and prevent what finishes couples;
- Get a mission: Something bigger than yourself, because nothing makes us more beautiful and exciting to those around us than having a purpose;
- Have a plan: Get a guide to follow, and someone smart (hi,) to support you on your journey (I have a comprehensive program you can follow to increase your chances significantly — just email me to get started);
- Don’t make the same mistakes as everyone else: Don’t beg, chase, or send gifts… and don’t become a “texting terrorist,” or use reason to get what you want (lead with emotion);
- Have quality me-time: Do what makes you smile, and is fun, and do it more often because enjoying yourself makes you more appealing and attractive (we are naturally interested in happiness, and besides… who wants to hang around with misery?);
- Get their attention: After a suitable break, decide whether to send a written letter, or simply a text, that makes sense for both the context of your situation and your exes likely mood;
- Start a conversation they will care to have: Match the level of interest your ex has (or reveals to you) to get their attention while avoiding the urge to jump ahead (a poor strategy);
- Positive body language: Remember that when you communicate, your words are the tip of the iceberg. Humans broadcast a slew of signals through body language using “nonverbal communication.” Your physical movements and gestures reveal how engaged, interested, approachable, and open you are. Consider your facial expressions, body posture, eye movement etc. when you are with your ex;
- Make them jealous: Think of ways to make it appear like you are unconquered and available, but hold back on dating and avoid sex unless you want complications later (not recommended.) — don’t upset your ex, just agitate a little and drop signs you have value which others desire;
- Work on improving your chances, not on calculating your chances: Don’t waste time doing an “odds” quiz as no quiz —or human— can 100% know the degree of chance you have, and it doesn’t matter either because you always have a chance, and that’s all you need to know;
- Make contact more often when things are going well: If they answer your questions, ask about your day, and give signals to suggest healthier times ahead, keep doing what you are doing plus a little more on top;
- Leave things in the past: Frequently talking about problems feels bad, and may plant doubt in the minds of both. It is safer to set your view on the future to minimise negativity (communicating about what is broken is not always appropriate or productive and undo your progress)
Making up is a delicate process, not an event. As such, it is great that you are reading this article. Remember that your job is not to fight free will or use tricks to make your ex come back. Instead, you merely seek to remove the things that block the attraction. And do what you can to make missing you more likely 😉