How to Get Your Ex to Talk to You Again?

If you want to know how to get your ex to talk to you again, you’ve come to the right place. I’m Michael and I’m sorry you had a breakup. I get you want to talk to your ex but maybe they don’t want the same. Maybe you tried reaching out a little too often or all your calls seem to hit their voicemail.

Or maybe you’ve not even tried out of fear?

Or you’ve tried plenty and now you’re blocked?

That’s a lot of maybes.

Let’s dig in.

Understand That It Takes Two to Tango

A mid century style depiction of two people dancing to illustrate the saying: it takes two to tango. Art is in Bauhaus style

You should be prepared to reach out to your ex first. If you haven’t been in touch for a while, they might be waiting for you to make the first move. Yes, I know it isn’t fun to open up and risk being shot down but someone has to make that first move.

Be brave. It’s necessary.

Of course, there’s a possibility your ex just won’t want to talk.

But you’re not a mind reader. So you need to find out by dipping your toe in the water.

If you don’t get a warm reception?

All is not lost. Your ex could just need more time.

Or, worst case, they’ll have moved on. So they’ll be resistant to looking back.

Keep Your Expectations in Check

A mid-century art depiction of a woman walking through a storm, not giving up. It is in the Bauhaus art style

There’s a lot of unknowns here so check you do not have rigid expectations. It’s easy to assume something that’s not true. Be open to the possibility your ex will not react the way you think they will.

Also be wary about how you interpret things. It’s easy to jump to the wrong conclusions.

Basics —

Don’t expect them to forgive you easily.

Don’t expect them come running back immediately after your first contact attempt.

Don’t expect them to talk to you as often as you want to talk to them.

Do expect there will be plenty of gaps between conversations.

Do keep an open mind about it all —your ex has the right to change their mind. If things start out cold, that doesn’t mean it will stay that way.

Of course, if you had an ugly breakup? Expect the process to take longer. The correct view here is any contact you have at first is a bonus.

Apologise if That Makes Sense

A mid-century art depiction of apology flowers placed on a face in Pop Art style

If you did something bad, apologise. It’s not negotiable. Not saying sorry (and meaning it) will keep you in their bad books.

Of course:

  • If you did nothing wrong you don’t need to apologise (and therefore you should’t. It would be weird to say sorry for no reason.)
  • A written apology is a good option when your ex is ignoring your calls.
  • Do not justify your wrong-doing in your apology; only take responsibility for your role…

Don’t Show Your Ex You Are Angry or Hurt

A depiction of a lady's face showing two distinct halves, like two-face, to illustrate how she is concealing her emotions. Picture is drawn in Pop Art style

You must not show your ex you are angry or hurt. Doing this only invites your ex to take a defensive role. Instead show a happy attitude. It’ll help to drop your ex’s guard.

Of course, at first your ex might be suspicious of your motives. That’s okay. Just be consistant. This is not something you do for just the weekend.

Don’t Try to Force Anything

Don’t try to make demands or give your ex ultimatums. And do not put pressure on your ex to talk to you again. If you do, they may shut the door for good.

Also, don’t try to force your ex into something that makes them uncomfortable. For example: “If you cared for me at all, you’d call right now.” Don’t use guilt to strong arm your ex. It will sour things and push them farther away.

Stay Away From Uncomfortable Topics

You need to help your ex feel relaxed. To do that, keep the conversation away from contentious topics.

—Don’t Bring up the Past

Obviously something unpleasant from your shared history was the cause of the breakup. It’s better to not lead their mind back to that place.

(There is a time and place for dredging up the past, but it’s not when you are trying to restart communications.)

—Don’t Ask If They Miss You

Asking your ex if they miss you is a risky move. Why? Because to them, it feels like you are asking if they want to change their mind about breaking up. If you are not careful, you could make your ex anxious.

—Don’t Ask if They’re Dating

Don’t ask your ex about their new sweet or if they’re dating. It is none of your business what your ex is up to, and your ex will feel awkward talking about this with you. Remember: Your goal is to help your ex to relax!

It is none of your business what your ex is up to

—Don’t Lash Out

When you’re feeling hurt, betrayed or angry, it is tempting to lash out. Resist this urge because you will only make your situation worse.

Maintain a Good Attitude as Much as Possible

You should keep a good attitude whenever you contact your ex. Even if they won’t do the same in return. There is no benefit in showing sourness. I know this isn’t easy. But showing sadness or neediness will make you look desperate and push your ex away.

Do Not Make Demands or Ultimatums

If you want your ex to talk to you and stay talking, you can not make demands or ultimatums. You have already lost once you send a “get back with me or else” message.

Your job is to come off as the complete opposite of threatening.

You want to talk to your ex again so you need be calm and laid back.

Help Your Ex to Feel Good and They Will Talk to You

The tips above all share a common theme: To help your ex feel good. This is fundamental. If you can improve your ex’s mood, they will be more open to talking to you.

If your ex feels calm when seeing your name flash up on their phone, they will be much more likely to answer with a smile. If everything you do genuinely helps your ex to feel comfortable, they will drop their guard until the point of picking up the phone to call you first. And that is how to get your ex to talk to you.

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About the author: i’m a relationship coach specialising in breakup recovery. i’ve been doing this for 12+ years helping thousands worldwide. i created the Breakup Dojo, a popular program with over 1,000 members. i’ve authored several in-demand breakup recovery products, drawing from my deep fascination with psychology. i also publish the “ex-communication” newsletter that’s packed with actionable advice to over 10,000 subscribers worldwide.