The following blog post is written for men and women and looks at how you can improve the likelihood your ex will talk to you again.
Hello, I’m Michael Fulmer, and I’m sorry you had a breakup. I understand you want to talk to your ex, but you are having trouble. Maybe you’ve tried to reach out to your ex a little too often, calling over the phone, and only their voicemail picks up?
Or, maybe you’ve not tried at all out of fear or apprehension?
Maybe you are blocked?
Or, you have no idea just yet, and you are still following the no contact rule, and you just haven’t heard a peep from your ex.
That’s a lot of maybes.
Understand That It Takes Two to Tango
It may seem like a one-way street, but that’s not always the case. You should be prepared to reach out to your ex first. If you haven’t been in touch for a while, they might be waiting for you to make the first move. Yes, I know it isn’t fun to open up to your ex and risk being shot down, but someone has to make the first move.
However, you should also prepare for the possibility that your ex just doesn’t want to talk anymore. Or, that they might not be ready to do so just yet. And if you somehow know this, keep reading.
Of course, sometimes, the ex will have moved on and is resistant to looking back. You can talk to them —maybe— but it’s hard going. In these cases, don’t force a conversation with them; give more time and space if that’s what they want.
Keep Your Expectations in Check
Check that you do not have flawed beliefs about what you can expect from your ex. You may think that if your attempts to reconnect will to successful, it will happen the first time you try.
Your ex is likely to have hurt feelings and resentment on their side of the fence. They will probably not react in exactly the way you want them to. Don’t expect them to forgive you and come running back into your arms the first time you reach out.
You should also not expect them to talk to you every day. Assume they will want plenty of gaps between conversations, and you will likely be correct.
If you had an ugly breakup, expect the process to take longer, not shorter. The correct view here is that any contact you have is a bonus. And if you did something terrible, it’s normal for your ex to ignore you.
Breakups are never easy. Even when a relationship has run its course, it can be challenging to let go. In the heat of the moment, it feels like the best solution is to stay as close to your ex as possible. However, this is not the best course of action. Giving your ex space is the best way to soothe tensions. It is hard to see things clearly when you are caught up in the emotion of a breakup. By giving yourself some space, you begin to form a helpful perspective. Staying in close contact with your ex can backfire.
Apologise if That Makes Sense in Your Situation
If there is something you did to hurt your ex, apologise. Apologising will let your ex know they matter and that you care about their feelings. It also shows you’re willing to make an effort to put things right. And you never know —the missing apology could be why your ex isn’t talking to you.
- If you did nothing wrong or bad, you don’t need to apologise (and therefore you should’t. It would be weird to say sorry for no reason.)
- A written apology is a good option when your ex is ignoring your calls.
- Do not justify your wrong-doing in your apology; only take responsibility for your role…
Don’t Show Your Ex You Are Angry or Hurt About Being Ignored
You must not show your ex that you are angry or hurt about being ignored, as tempting as it may be. Doing this will only invite your ex to take up a defensive role.
Show a happy demeanour so your ex will drop their guard. At first, they will be suspicious of your motives. Your ex will likely tread cautiously, looking for signs of manipulation or game-playing. This is not the time for making sudden moves or escalating the drama.
Don’t Try to Force Anything
Don’t try to make demands or give your ex ultimatums. And, do not put pressure on your ex to talk to you again. If you do, they may shut the door for good.
In addition, don’t try to force your ex into something that makes them uncomfortable. For example: “If you cared for me at all, you’d call right now.” Don’t say anything that will guilt your ex into talking with you again. These statements push them farther away and discourage them from wanting anything to do with you.
Stay Away From Uncomfortable Topics
You need to help your ex feel relaxed about talking to you. To do that, keep the conversation away from contentious topics.
Don’t Bring up the Past
Obviously, something unpleasant from your shared history was the cause of the breakup, which is why it’s best to not lead their mind back to that place. There is a time for dredging up the past, and it is not when you are making contact for the first time.
Don’t Ask If They Miss You
Asking your ex if they miss you is a risky move. Why? Because to them, it can feel like you are asking if they want to change their mind about breaking up. If you are not careful, you could make your ex anxious and pull away from you.
Here’s how this works:
- You ask your ex if they miss you.
- Your ex thinks, “hmm, they’re really asking if I think I made a mistake…”
- Your ex now feels some pressure, which is not nice, so they withdraw.
Lesson: Don’t ask your ex if they miss you or what they had!
Don’t Ask if They’re Dating
Don’t ask your ex about their new partner or if they’re dating. It is none of your business what your ex is up to, and your ex will feel awkward talking about this with you. Remember: Your goal is to help your ex to relax!
It is none of your business what your ex is up to
Don’t Lash Out
When you’re feeling hurt, betrayed or angry, it can be tempting to lash out at your ex. Resist this urge because you will only make your situation worse.
Maintain a Good Attitude as Much as Possible
You should keep a good attitude whenever you contact your ex. Even if they won’t do the same in return. There is no benefit for you in showing sourness. I know this isn’t always easy. But showing sadness or neediness will only make you look desperate and push your ex away.
Do Not Make Demands or Ultimatums
If you want your ex to talk to you and stay talking, you can not make demands or ultimatums. You have lost if you resort to sending a “get back with me or else” message.
Your job is to come off as the complete opposite of threatening.
To recap: You want to talk to your ex again, and you’re wondering how to make that happen. The answer? You need to focus on being a calm and laid back “friend” who your ex can relax around.
Help Your Ex to Feel Good and They Will Talk to You
The tips above all share a common theme: To help your ex feel good —do this, and you will get your ex to relax and want to talk to you. If everything you do genuinely helps your ex to feel comfortable, they will drop their guard until the point of picking up the phone to call you first.