a conversation about getting your husband back

a good man will breathe meaning and purpose into your life. if you lost your “mr right,” i am sorry. but don’t give up hope. if your husband left you, that does not mean he won’t come back. below we will look at how to do that.

be compassionate with yourself

the end of a relationship hits hard.

i’m sorry it is this pain that has brought you here today.

please be compassionate with yourself. this is not a trivial time. you are unlikely to be feeling yourself or able to make the best decisions.

a high emotional state may distort your judgement of your husband and your options.

in fact…

some of the advice available for the recently single is, at best, nonsense. and much of it misleading and cruel.

please be careful.

you may find some will underestimate the pain you are dealing with. while others forget how painful breaking up can be (or live in denial because they did not get over their own.)

then there are those who want to profit off your misery…

they’ll make bold claims about how you can make up with your loved one if you follow their “little-known” steps. available after you pay, of course.

they’re not all bad. some offer services and products that help. and you’ll find their interests align with yours.

if you do feel that is not the case, you should look elsewhere for help.

this is why i’m writing this heartfelt message to you.

in fact?

i want you to know that no matter what words i use, i know they can not accurately describe the pain you feel. and i want to slow down and let you know i recognise that. and so, i’m sorry you’re going through this.

don’t be so quick to follow your feelings

it’s normal after being “dumped” to do something rash and not consider the consequences. you are bubbling over with emotions, after all. and so, it is hard to not act hasty.

but?

letting your negative emotions take charge is what i advise against.

listen:

i know the misery and pain you’re living with is difficult to live with. and at times, you’ll want to undo this pain more than you’ll want anything else.

but the kind of action which follows this motivation can look “needy and desperate.” not good.

some women go to extraordinary lengths to feel relief from their pain. which means doing something they later regret.

you should ask what the cost will be if you obey your most basis desires.

sadly i’ve seen this time and time again…

that when the focus is entirely on reversing separation, and that is all you want and can think about?

you risk overstretching. and breaking something…

for example, this state leads people to engage in obsessive contacting attempts. usually via texting. this state of mind leads to unhealthy use of social media (including spying.) these actions only weaken the heartbroken.

don’t become a text terrorist.

the false belief you need to do this can have you grabbing your husband with both hands, begging he takes you back.

this is not attractive.

and, it is not pretty. yet… i do understand it.

don’t get me wrong. it’s not that it is a bad thing to want your husband back. it is normal to want your partner back.

it is the way you do it that matters. matters greatly, in fact.

the wrong approach could push your husband into a rebound relationship. and that is not what you want.

ok, let’s take our time here. look at all the angles. just you and me…

by the way, i appreciate you taking the time to read my words.

how to know you’re better together than apart?

be rational —are you a compatible, healthy couple? if not, could you be?

once you have your answer, you’ll either be:

1. more sure and persuasive about getting him back, or
2. stunned with the realisation that moving on would be better. (saving yourself unnecessary heartache, moving you to the healing and recovery stage.)

hey.

many couples reunite. but not all should. and i know that’s not easy to read.

let’s tackle a troublesome line i wrote above:

many couples reunite. but not all should.

see…

before you ask how to win your husband back, first examine the value of the relationship you’re trying to save. both for you and your husband.

it’s hard to do. yes. but no less critical because of that.

so let me ask you:

do you feel you were both better off as a couple?

be honest:

1. did you both have something worth saving that you can build upon?;
2. did you both add value to the other (rather than take it away?)

and not just that…

can you both work out whatever differences there were that lead to the breakup?

i urge you to reflect on this.

what can happen during a relationship is that one or both can transition in some manner that sets the two of you on a diverging path.

for example, three big transitions in life are career, marriage, and children.

if you were incompatible in one of those areas, you need to think about that. especially if there is a non-negotiable issue. some of the clients i work with secretly hoped their husband would change…

that seldom happens, though. people don’t change much.

suppose you were to get back together with your husband but with unaligned hopes and dreams. in that case, the relationship will either not last or be dysfunctional.

so…

it’s rarely done or considered. but the first thing to do after a breakup isn’t to figure out the fastest route to reverse it. no. it is to decide whether to fight to reunite at all.

so, gather info on what caused the breakdown.

if you decide or see that this relationship is better off left in the past, you may want help to get over it. there’s no shame in that. losing someone we love is one of the worst experiences we ever go through.

but, if you decide this man is worth fighting for because the relationship enhanced you both? or that it could with work? then keep reading.

mindset is everything

how you think about things matters.

what you think determines what you do.

you either leave this all to chance, or you choose to proceed purposefully.

i’m not a fan of chance. not when we’re talking about the love of your life.

it’s no good sitting around doing nothing after you decide to save your relationship. they’re too important to you. and you’re suffering too much as it is.

so it’s time to take deliberate action.

now, before we continue, let’s be clear:

nothing is guaranteed here.

i would never tell you or anyone else that you will reverse a breakup, or dare break it down into percentages. that’s foolish. there are no certainties here.

beware of anyone who tells you that they promise an outcome.

no worries, though. just because we have no guarantees in life, that doesn’t mean we never try.

life is uncertain. always has been. always will be.

we humans have very little control over it. over the events. the people, or over the circumstances.. all of it.

but?

having little control is not the same as having no control 😉

we do influence life around us. we are capable of changing some of the things important to us. even more so when we are deliberate and smart about it.

which means not leaving things to chance.

sitting around doing nothing is leaving things to chance.

don’t do that.

you have to take control. you have to get deliberate about the actions you take.

you have to have a strategy.

this means you greatly increase the odds that you’ll get the outcome you prefer. no question about it.

like a weighted dice, if you have the right tools, it’s possible to increase your odds of getting your husband back.

now, we should keep in mind something fundamental here about your husband:

his decision to come back must come from free will

i’m not kidding.

the only way his decision to save your relationship could have real meaning is if that decision is his own.

besides, we invest the most in the decisions we choose for ourselves. we will defend and fight for those. we can only own the choices we make for ourselves.

we reject the decisions other people make for us. they can not compare to decisions we come to ourselves.

now, of course, it is true that we can help another reach the decision we want them to have. that is fine.

the point is, they’ll own that decision just the same, only we helped them to reach it.

friends and family mean well, but…

here’s another thing to keep in mind:

good intentions don’t equal good advice.

while friends and family mean well, most are not trained in marriage conflict and recovery.

we do not learn this at school, and most will not study it after.

ergo, most people parrot what they’ve heard before. they’ll reel off the classic lines (e.g., “plenty more fish in the sea!”) without skipping a beat. and, some will push to get you out of the pain you are in as quickly as possible (with questionable methods like pushing you into dating before you’re ready..) while making efforts to avoid you getting back into the relationship itself.

be wary of each person’s self-interest.

so yes, be sure to appreciate good intentions wherever you find them. but, be wary of any self-serving “good ideas” that serve someone else rather than you.

and last, remember good people can give bad advice when the subject matter is outside their expertise.

how to reunite naturally?

the summary/outline looks like this:

1. take a strategic break, giving you and your husband space to process what has happened;
2. spend the time during this break to work on yourself, to heal, and install positive changes in your life;
3. after enough time has passed, reach out to your husband (but no attempt to reunite at this stage);
4. the fragile phase of reconciliation (from friendly “meet-ups” to becoming romantically involved again;
5. building the relationship you deserve (a new relationship, rather than a reboot of the old.)

of course, there are many steps involved in each of the above i’ve outlined. it’s not practical to convey them all —with explanations and examples— in one page.

that aside, let me explain:

how to be the wife your husband wants

let’s talk a little about human nature. that is: the characteristics that you and i have in common, along with everybody else (human.)

we all share commonalities because of how our species evolved. and the result is that we all have the same “human drivers” that operate inside us, deep down in our core. they influence us in everything we do.

what kind of things?

one example is attraction.

weak and needy people are unattractive. why? because it is human nature to find desperate people repulsive.

it is not a choice. you do not choose the man you find attractive. it is instinctive. whether you like it or not. due to how humans are wired, that’s the result.

we must understand that.

because guess how most people react when they’re “dumped?”

yes.

desperate.

and consider this: in the beginning, your husband fell for you. he found you attractive, engaging, and positive to be around.

you demonstrated an array of qualities, which compelled him to be with you. he was taken in by you on a level beyond his control.

most people go wrong after separation because they turn needy and desperate.

the problem is, they turn into the very type of person we’re not wired to find attractive. again, not by choice, as it is all based on biology. and so, we want to put distance between them and us because it does not feel good to see the one we love losing their mojo! can you see that?

the usual result of breaking up is to fall apart mentally, emotionally, and physically. and become a desperate shadow of our former self.

that’s the kicker here.

you have to fight the natural reaction to losing your husband. to face and conquer your fear of being alone. and find peace with the idea your husband may find someone else.

that’s a lot to fight.

do you see how the one who shunned you holds power here?

you need to turn the tables and regain composure. otherwise, this weakness will be the undoing of your relationship for good.

while it would be great to convince him to revert his decision, you must first address your problems.

with a breakup, it’s not so much what you do as what you don’t do that’s most important in the early stages. think about damage limitation.

mind tricks?

your mind is your worst enemy. just ask any poor unfortunate soul whose partner cheated on them. victims of affairs go mad with disturbing images and thoughts. and seemingly without choice, like they are under a spell.

what kind of thoughts? the kind where they think of their partner with that other person.

it’s hard to stop your mind because the more you try not to think about something, the more you do.

the mind can be cruel. and it can feel like there’s nothing you can do about it.

after a breakup, part of the healing process is learning how to cope with the mind. you have to manage the endless “stinking thinking” that follows.

otherwise, you will struggle to position yourself as someone your husband can want.

speaking of mind tricks?

you can benefit from gently “planting” seeds into his mind (though really, he will do it for you.)

how?

well, when you give your husband space to breathe, and you stay outside his radar, he no longer gets feedback on you. which can work in your favour.

without input from you, your husband no longer knows how you are, what you’re doing, or what you’re thinking.

because of this, and it only takes a short while… he may begin to fill in the gaps with his own assumptions. and often, the brain has a habit of inserting ideas worse than reality.

let’s not kid ourselves here. the mind is cruel. it’ll come up with all manner of ideas and notions, and a large part of those will be a bit evil. worse, it’ll play those thoughts on a loop more than any other.

for example:

• “why is she not phoning?”
• “has she found someone else?”
• “what is she up to?!”
• “i bet she’s with such-and-such from work…”

the not knowing bit can pick away at you.

and what if the only feedback he gets is that you are happy, outgoing, and mostly positive? this could come from social media like facebook and twitter etc., or through friends. remember, if he is to get any feedback, it is better you give that impression. better that then the one where you mope around and look depressed.

of course, you’ll want to be careful about how you do this. for example, making zero contact is often recommended after breaking up. it is a sound, recommended step to take… yet it is easy to overdo it. there are caveats to consider when implementing “radio silence.” and if you do not know them, you will worsen your position.

getting back together is a delicate process, not an event. it is a journey, not a tactic you find online. that’s why it’s good to read this along with the other articles found here. you are preparing yourself for the long distance.

final words: not all relationships can be saved

it would be remiss of me to ignore the reality that not all broken relationships can be saved…

or even should be!

if that’s the case you’ll want help to move on and there’s no shame in that. what you are doing here is not always about saving the relationship. for many, it is about undoing the pain. and then, and only when ready… to begin a new relationship.

but, if you have a chance to save something worth saving, then it’s time to get to it.