I’m sorry your wife has left you, or may leave you. It is sad when a marriage falls apart. But when two people come together and create a relationship, problems do arise. And unhappy couples separate, which in marriage means divorce.
If you find yourself out of options, overwhelmed, and fear you might lose your wife for good, keep reading.
Over the years, I have helped hundreds of men in your position to stop a divorce or save a marriage. And as I coach via email, I have a record of every success story.
Below you will find real answers I have given to men who went on to get their wife back.
Is it possible to get my wife back?
There is a chance you can win your wife back. If your wife is adamant, she can still change her mind. After all, she once set her mind to marry you, so you have proof she can change her mind!
Our love and feelings for one another are not set in stone. This fluid nature is why you have a chance.
If I can get my wife back, how do I go about it?
To get your wife back, start by going with her wishes.
When you stand against her, you become her opponent rather than her husband.
It would help if you related more to her emotional side than her logical side. Your wife’s decisions start with how she feels. Which is why you must remove any negativity she can push against, which keeps you apart.
Picture a locked door leading to her mind. What keeps the door locked is her negative emotions.
To open the door, you need your wife to stop holding it closed with her negative emotions. You can do this by putting up zero resistance to her viewpoint. By yielding to your wife, her emotional grip on that “door” will loosen.
I tried to reassure my wife but she is not listening to me?
Reassurance is not effective. Telling your wife you will change or how you have changed is not as persuasive as we may think.
Cynical partners expect you to say you have changed and will discount it.
Same with reasoning.
Giving her reasons why it is foolish to separate will not be persuasive. Your reasons may be 100% correct, but she is not likely to be won over as this is logic and does not speak to her heart.
Exaggerating what it means if you separate and how unhappy she will be will work against you.
It is self-defeating.
You must cultivate positivity. Your job is to find the good inherent in everything —even separation— no matter how small it may be. Show your wife how content and unfazed you are by drama.
A upbeat attitude is attractive (no woman easily leaves a man she perceives as happy!)
How long will it take?
Everyone is different. Time frames are too rigid of an idea to work with when it comes to relationships.
Does it matter if you win her back over five months? You would prefer five days, but the result is what’s important. Not the duration.
How do I find out if she still has feelings for me?
How do I find out if she still has feelings for me, and what if she is only pretending to get me to change?
At times, she may not know for herself how real her feelings are or how genuine her intentions. Your wife will act according to how she feels at the time like most people do.
The reality of emotions defining actions swings both ways.
It’s why someone can swear up and down it is over and then change their minds. The emotions are in control and are in motion. When feelings change, so will the words and actions to suit.
Rather than trying to tell her real intentions from false, practice holding a non attachment to outcome. Do not build your identity and security around her actions, behavior, and choices. This way, should she change or have fake intentions —while unpleasant for you— it won’t crush you.
To find out how she dances, you will have to dance.
Should I call her bluff and file for divorce?
Sometimes, I feel like calling her bluff and filing for divorce (not just financial settlement.) Should I try this at the risk of it being another nail in the coffin?
If “going with her wishes” means to do that, yes.
Though I must insert a disclaimer that, “I am not a lawyer, and you must not listen to me.”
Divorce is the legal aspect. I am not going to talk about that.
All I will say is that it helps to separate the legal part of your relationship from the emotional one. You can divorce and come back together as a happy, loving couple.
A divorce concerns itself with paperwork, not the heart or harmony of the couple.
It is a common mistake to ignore the heart side of the relationship in favour of the legal side and lose both.
Is someone telling my wife what to do?
I have good reasons to believe that someone is telling her what to do; the inconsistency in her behavior and the delayed reactions are examples.
No one operates alone.
It’s reasonable to think your wife’s friends will have compelling arguments to support her decision to leave you.
Her friend(s) will want the best for her. They might believe a new start is a healthier and happier path; whether they are correct or not is another debate.
Should I text or call my wife?
We have been communicating mostly by texts, whereas before, I called most of the time when I wanted to speak. Your thoughts on this would be great. What does this do to the “connection”?
Everything has its place.
Talking on the phone gives the potential for a deeper connection. But, you avoid pressure and awkwardness with texting. Especially when things are sour or complicated.
It’s like a magnifying glass. A phone call is a bigger magnifier than a text message. It can enlarge whatever is happening, good or bad.
It’s why we build the connection from the “ground” up rather than starting at the top. We avoid unnecessary damage (springing from strong emotions we are not ready to deal with.)
How can I help my wife see I have learned from my mistakes?
Realize why you made the mistakes you made, and you may help your wife to believe you have learned.
Even if your wife is cynical. Understanding yourself is excellent for your personal development. You still win.
The more you understand what drives your actions and impulses, the more confident you can be about the fruits of future decisions. For example, is the decision driven by fear or a lack? If yes, it may not be the right decision.
Self-discovery also reduces the frequency of self-deception. By increasing your understanding of how the “machine operates,” you are less susceptible to its flaws (we easily trick ourselves.)
Suppose you increase your understanding of what drove you to make the decisions you made. In that case, you benefit, and your wife can have more confidence in you, too.
When do I show my wife what I have learned?
The question is timing. When do I attempt to show my wife what I have learned? Also, I don’t want to show weakness!
It is not through sharing a part of ourselves that we become weak.
Opening up requires strength.
Of course, we want to use the right frame for this. To open up in a non-needy way.
You might share your findings with her by saying something like: “In the spirit of possibly helping you answer unanswered questions, here’s what I discovered about myself…”
When you do this, remember it is separate to the direction things are heading in (legal or otherwise.) You are not adding words like, “so I hope you will reconsider.”
Do I risk being “under the thumb” if she comes back?
It seems the more I happily oblige with my wife and her wishes, the more demanding she becomes. Am I running the risk of being “under the thumb” if she comes back?
Consider that there is more to her than just one side or mode.
Whenever you get the “cold” side, the side you don’t care for, reject it.
Whenever you get the warm side, respond in kind, positively.
Don’t pursue your wife when she’s cold or showing behavior that is incompatible with you. Be indifferent to that side of her. And you may find she respects that. Because deep down, she knows acting that way does not deserve warmth in return from you (maybe not consciously, but on some level.)
My wife is hurt and won’t open up with me!
She’s hurt and feels it is unfair what she experienced.
If you become defensive in reaction to this feeling, she will feel it more. It is better to agree with her, even if you only agree with 10% of her feelings. Speak to the small part you agree with, not the rest you don’t, and you’ll find her more willing to see both sides of the matter.
Your wife will open up once she feels no resistance from you.
What if I had an affair?
I’m sure you can understand and appreciate how devastating it is to find out your partner has had an affair.
Trust me — it is devastating.
I have conversed with many women who have faced the challenge of picking up the pieces after discovering their husbands’ affair. It is unpleasant.
The pain and misery are traumatic. And so the work involved in processing that hurt, and moving forward (however that looks) is hard going.
And so we might consider the real possibility that your wife has yet to process and deal with that pain, fully.
Did she get appropriate help with this at the time, or since?
Has trust and suspicion played a leading role in your conflicts and general dysfunction since things went from bad to worse?
How do you get your wife to fall in love with you again?
If your wife is angry, bitter, and in love with her negative feelings, she will expect you to fail to impress her with your attempts to win her back. As such, you must not even try.
For your efforts to be seen as genuine and authentic, rather than manipulative, accept her position completely.
Apologize for any wrongdoing, without question, and without giving excuses.
Don’t talk about getting back together during this phase.
If she perceives your actions as “so we can try again,” you undermine your efforts (they sound empty to her.)
Look after yourself and improve your lifestyle to help your wife rekindle her feelings for you. Improve your appearance by eating healthy and drinking less and committing to exercise.
Aim to be on good friendly terms where the conversation is easy and unthreatening.
No pressure is critical.
She wants appreciation and love. You want admiration and respect. Show respect for yourself, and show her gratitude, and hopefully, she will begin giving back what you need.
What if we have children?
If you have children, then continue to fulfill your duties as the father. Don’t involve the children in disputes or encourage them to take sides. Give love and continue to show the qualities of the father role model.