i’m sorry your wife has left you or may leave you. it is sad when a marriage falls apart. but when two people come together and create a relationship, problems do arise. and unhappy couples separate, which in marriage means divorce.
if you find yourself out of options, overwhelmed, and fear you might lose your wife for good, stay around because i can help.
over the years, i have directed men in your position to stop a divorce or save a marriage.
below you will find real answers i have given to men who went on to get their wife back.
let’s start with this:
your wife can change her mind without you doing anything
there’s a chance you can win her back without even doing anything because she can change her mind. a slim chance, perhaps. but even if she is adamant, she can still change her mind. after all, she once set her mind to marry you, so you have proof she can change her mind.
the love and feelings we have for one another are not set in stone. the fluid nature of our feelings and affection can partly explain why some couples reunite without any particular intervention.
but of course, your odds of success can be improved by taking a proactive approach.
the best thing you can do to help change her mind
there are things you can do to help your wife change her mind.
one of the best things you can do is “go with her wishes” rather than fight her wishes.
when you stand against her, you become her opponent rather than her husband. whereas, if you stand beside her, you become her ally.
yes, there are nuisances and caveats to this.
but the point is you help your cause once you relate more to her emotional side than the specifics of her words. basically, your wife’s decisions come from how she feels. and if she feels mostly negative toward you, resisting that negativity by going against her wishes will only sustain her position.
however, once you go along with her, the negativity she previously was pushing against… falls away.
and with it, the forces that keep you apart.
picture a locked door leading to her mind. what keeps the door locked is her negative emotions.
to open the door, you need your wife to stop holding it closed with her negative emotions. you do this by putting up zero resistance to her viewpoint. once you yield to your wife, her emotional grip on that “door” will loosen.
the above is one of the best things you can do to bring you and your wife closer.
let’s now look at a few questions i’m asked…
i tried to reassure my wife but she is not listening to me?
reassurance is not effective when trust and commitment have gone. telling your wife you will change or how you have changed is not as persuasive as we you’d hope.
cynical partners expect you to say you have changed and will therefore instantly discount your reassurance.
same with reasoning.
giving her reasons why it is foolish to separate or reasons to try again will not be persuasive. your reasons may be 100% correct, but she is not likely to be won over as this approach doesn’t speak to her heart.
exaggerating what it means if you separate and how unhappy she will be will also work against you.
it is self-defeating.
you must instead cultivate positivity. your job is to find the good inherent in everything —even separation— no matter how small it may be. and then show your wife how content and unfazed you are by drama.
a upbeat attitude is attractive and far more effective than promises of changing (no woman easily leaves a man she perceives as happy.)
how long will it take?
every couple is different and so time frames are not useful when it comes to relationships.
does it matter if you win her back in five months or nine? you would prefer five months, or much sooner, but the result is what’s important. not the duration.
the only counter point i’ll give here is that the above does not mean it is sane to spend the rest of your life chasing your wife.
you should implement a time constraint that balances patience with “just enough time to explore the option” so you don’t squander life.
how do i find out if she still has feelings for me?
unless fondness and admiration toward you has vanished entirely, she will still have positive feelings for you.
if you follow my advice to go along with her wishes, removing resistance so she has nothing to fight against, her good feelings for you will more likely be felt and expressed.
how do i find out if she still has feelings for me, and what if she is only pretending to get me to change?
don’t overthink this.
if she still feels love for you, let it be revealed however and whenever it comes about. your job is to make relations with your wife more positive than negative, that’s all. to give the opportunity for something good to happen.
if your wife were to pretend or lead you on, which would be odd… so long as you only making changes that are positive for you, it’s not a total loss.
(you shouldn’t be doing anything for her that harms you, anyway.)
honestly, at times, she may not know for herself just how real her feelings are or how genuine her intentions. your wife will act according to how she feels at the time like most people do.
the reality of emotions defining actions swings both ways.
it’s why someone can swear up and down it is over and then change their minds. the emotions are in control and are in motion. when feelings change, so will the words and actions to suit.
rather than trying to tell her real intentions from false, practice holding a non attachment to outcome. do not build your identity and security around her actions, behaviour, and choices. this way, should she change or have fake intentions —while unpleasant for you— it won’t crush you.
to find out how she dances, you will have to dance.
should i call her bluff and file for divorce?
sometimes, i feel like calling her bluff and filing for divorce (not just financial settlement.) should i try this at the risk of it being another nail in the coffin?
if “going with her wishes” means to do that, yes.
though i must insert a disclaimer that, “i am not a lawyer, and you must not listen to me.”
divorce is the legal aspect. i am not going to talk about that.
all i will say is that it helps to separate the legal part of your relationship from the emotional one. you can divorce your wife and still come back together as a happy, loving couple. a divorce concerns itself with paperwork, not the heart or harmony of the couple. so, you can get her back after a divorce when you focus on the heart more than the paperwork.
it is a common mistake to ignore the heart side of the relationship in favour of the legal side and lose both.
is someone telling my wife what to do?
i have good reasons to believe that someone is telling her what to do; the inconsistency in her behavior and the delayed reactions are examples.
almost no one operates alone.
it’s reasonable to think your wife’s friends will have compelling arguments to support her decision to leave you.
her friend(s) will want the best for her. they might believe a new start is a healthier and happier path; whether they are correct or not is another debate.
part of your challenge is dealing with opposition from all sides (the influential sources whispering in her ear.) some of whom may also be divorced and will find the idea of recruiting your wife to the “divorce club” appealing…
that’s a tough situation.
should i text or call my wife?
we have been communicating mostly by texts, whereas before, i called most of the time when i wanted to speak. your thoughts on this would be great. what does this do to the “connection”?
everything has its place.
talking on the phone gives the potential for a deeper connection. but, you avoid pressure and awkwardness with texting. especially when things are sour or complicated.
it’s like a magnifying glass. a phone call is a bigger magnifier than a text message. it can enlarge whatever is happening, good or bad.
it’s why we build the connection from the “ground” up rather than starting at the top. we avoid unnecessary damage (springing from strong emotions we are not ready to deal with.)
how can i help my wife see i have learned from my mistakes?
realise why you made the mistakes you made, and you may help your wife to believe you have learned.
even if your wife is cynical. understanding yourself is excellent for your personal development. you still win.
the more you understand what drives your actions and impulses, the more confident you can be about the fruits of future decisions. for example, is the decision driven by fear or a lack? if yes, it may not be the right decision.
self-discovery also reduces the frequency of self-deception. by increasing your understanding of how the “machine operates,” you are less susceptible to its flaws (we easily trick ourselves.)
suppose you increase your understanding of what drove you to make the decisions you made. in that case, you benefit, and your wife can have more confidence in you, too.
when do i show my wife what i have learned?
the question is timing. when do i attempt to show my wife what i have learned? also, i don’t want to show weakness!
it takes strength to open up and be vulnerable. to share a part of ourselves that we previously locked away.
of course, we want to use the right frame for this. to open up in a non-needy way.
you might share your findings with her by saying something like: “in the spirit of possibly helping you answer unanswered questions, here’s what i discovered about myself…”
when you do this, remember it is separate to the direction things are heading in (legal or otherwise.) you are not adding words like, “so i hope you will reconsider.”
do i risk being “under the thumb” if she comes back?
it seems the more i happily oblige with my wife and her wishes, the more demanding she becomes. am i running the risk of being “under the thumb” if she comes back?
consider that there is more to her than just one side or mode.
whenever you get the “cold” side, the side you don’t care for, reject it.
whenever you get the warm side, respond in kind, positively.
don’t pursue your wife when she’s cold or showing behaviour that is incompatible with you. be indifferent to that side of her. and you may find she respects that. because deep down, she knows acting that way does not deserve warmth in return from you (maybe not consciously, but on some level.)
my wife is hurt and won’t open up with me!
she’s hurt and feels it is unfair what she experienced.
if you become defensive in reaction to this feeling, she will feel it more. it is better to agree with her, even if you only agree with 10% of her feelings. speak to the small part you agree with, not the rest you don’t, and you’ll find her more willing to see both sides of the matter.
your wife will open up once she feels no resistance from you.
what if i had an affair?
i’m sure you can understand and appreciate how devastating your affair was (and is) to your wife.
trust me — it is devastating.
i have conversed with many women who have faced the challenge of picking up the pieces after discovering their husbands’ affair. it is unpleasant.
she will likely have PTSD over your affair (literally.)
the pain and misery are traumatic. and so the work involved in processing that hurt, and moving forward (however that looks) is hard going.
and so we might consider the real possibility that your wife has yet to process and deal with that pain, fully.
did she get appropriate help with this at the time, or since?
has trust and suspicion played a leading role in your conflicts and general dysfunction since things went from bad to worse?
how do you get your wife to fall in love with you again?
if your wife is angry, bitter, and in love with her negative feelings, she will expect you to fail to impress her with your attempts to win her back. as such, you must not even try.
for your efforts to be seen as genuine and authentic, rather than manipulative, accept her position completely.
apologise for any wrongdoing, without question, and without giving excuses.
don’t talk about getting back together during this phase.
if she perceives your actions as “so we can try again,” you undermine your efforts (they sound empty to her.)
look after yourself and improve your lifestyle to help your wife rekindle her feelings for you. improve your appearance by eating healthy and committing to exercise.
aim to be on good friendly terms where the conversation is easy and unthreatening.
no pressure is critical.
she wants appreciation and love. you want admiration and respect. show respect for yourself, and show her gratitude, and hopefully, she will begin giving back what you need.
what if we have children?
if you have children, then continue to fulfil your duties as the father. don’t involve the children in disputes or encourage them to take sides. give love and continue to show the qualities of the father role model. there is no room for movement here, the children come first.
