how to make someone want you back: easy 3-step formula

a breakup can be so devastating that some never recover. yet, while that is rare, the feeling that your world has been turned upside down is not. that’s why i understand the desire to make someone want you back.


this is a distressing time for you. and i’m sorry to know that.

if you could persuade your lover to want you back, you would feel a lot better. and it is normal to want to feel better.


this pain you want to escape may drive you to think and act in ways you usually would not. and may later regret.

so while you are ready to do almost anything to make your ex-partner give you another chance, here’s a warning:

desperation will only further motivate the one you love to stay away.

while the desire to make them want you back quickly may be strong, you could squander your chances.

your need to be wanted could work against you.

but don’t worry. you are here, and i have your back.

learn my 3-step formula to make them miss you

by the time you finish this article, you will know a simple way to help your ex-partner regret their decision and want you back in their arms.

it’s an ethical way to help the one you love desire a second chance. or at least give them a chance to doubt whether they have made the right decision.

we all want to be wanted

i’ll admit that growing up, i wanted more attention from those around me. that’s not unusual. we all want to be wanted and admired. what is unusual is that i later made an effort to learn how to get more attention and admiration, and i succeeded (and did so without losing dignity.)

i loved it (especially the psychology and mechanics of it.)


what works, works. and i’ll share some of that here with you.

become the person they need, not the person who needs them — michael fulmer

my 3 step formula to make someone want you back quickly


  1. agree with what they agree with
  2. become absorbed in your world (not their’s)
  3. protect this one thing (that they want)

the first step in my formula sets the scene and creates the context for all that follows (strengthening your position to be wanted back.)


the person who shunned you is “in love” with their decision to move on. and they feed off the fact that you still want them.

the point:

they do not want whatever you want.

so the first thing to do is align your desires with theirs.

step #1: agree with your ex’s decision

if you are still in contact, go and tell them that you think being separated is a good idea and is for the best.

yes, really.

tell them they were right to end it and that it was hopeless the way things were.

— why agree?

because using force-on-force (e.g., disagreeing with the breakup, asking for a second chance, reassuring you will change, etc.) is not effective.

whereas agreeing means not standing opposite and against your ex-partner.

this will soften them.

really, michael?

yes. when someone pushes against you, the natural urge is to push back.

we like to argue our corner.

and humans will fight you if you fight them.

so yes, really.

— tips

be gentle yet firm with this.

state your agreement to the breakup to show you are both on the same page.

and keep it simple.

there is no need to go overboard here. if you make a big deal of this, they will become suspicious.

less is more.

and if you ignore this step and push for what you want too soon, you risk making this person more distant.

aside: if you’re not on good terms with them or the above doesn’t “make sense” for your situation, you can skip this and go straight to step #2

step #2: become absorbed in your own world not theirs

for the next few weeks or so, do not make any attempts to contact them or inquire about them through friends or family.

here’s the critical bit:

you must become so fully absorbed in your own affairs that, from the outside, it appears you are struggling even to make time to think about someone else.

— why do this?

if your ex is to miss you, it stands to reason that you should first be missable, right?

so, for the time being, i do not want you to initiate text messages, phone calls, or interact on social media platforms. learning the right moves to make comes after the break.

certainly do not hang out at the same places you “just happen” to know a certain someone does.

many clients have admitted to me they had done this (“accidentally” crossing paths with their ex.)

but hanging close at this time only works against you.

you want to create a void between you both.

that includes not asking your ex’s friends or family how they’re doing. it only undermines the power of this step.

— the takeaway?

you must become absorbed in your own world.

he or she is probably expecting you to be absorbed in their world. and so when they directly or indirectly discover you are not, it makes them curious about you.


if the person you love is going to miss you and want to come back to you, then you first need to create the conditions that make it possible (and hopefully probable) for him or her to miss you.

step #3: become what they want (by protecting & building this one thing)

did you know?

if you are a girl, you should know that men yearn to be admired.

on the other hand?

if you are a guy, you should understand that women want to be appreciated.

these form the basics of attraction (hint, hint.)

however, can you guess what it is that both men and women want and seek in each other?

this is the thing you must protect and build if they (or anyone else) are to want you in their life.

before i reveal that.

up until now, steps #1 and #2 were all about creating the foundation you need to be in what i call pomo:

“a position of most opportunity.”

because you want to create the strongest position for yourself from which the odds of saving your relationship are maximised (as well as the odds of living a happy life, regardless of your relationship status.)

the great thing is?

once you get this and do it, you are already protecting and building the one thing we all seek in our partners.


so what is it?


yes. really.

men and women want to be with someone they respect and who will respect them in turn.

it is not possible to stay with someone you do not respect (unless you are willing to have a dysfunctional relationship.)

in turn.

you can not expect to be wanted, missed, or desired if your loved one perceives you as having low self-respect.

make sense?

message reads: men and women only want to be with someone they respect

don’t ask how to make someone want you back; ask, “how do i protect and build their pride?”

ergo, every action you take must protect and build your respect if you desire to be wanted.

most get this wrong and do the opposite.

e.g. —

if you throw yourself at your ex-partner and let them take advantage of you, you undermine yourself and diminish your respect.

and plenty of my clients made this mistake before coming to me.

you know:

girls who would sleep with their guy and “succeed” only to find they had been used.


guys who would end up out of pocket from making “grand gestures,” only to find themselves single and poor.

you can’t succeed if you fail to protect your self-respect.

so build it up if you want to “make” someone miss you bad enough to want you.

— why?

humans do not want to be with someone they are ashamed to be with.

no one dates someone they are embarrassed to be with. not for long at least.

and even if you are not someone they are ashamed to be around, you can still help them perceive you as having more value than before.


put it this way:

we can not help who we are attracted to.

it is not a choice.

however, over time, we may resent a person and find that the attraction is blocked or impeded.

if you protect and build your self-respect, and you increase your perceived or real value (from their perspective,) then you’ll know how to attract them back. this is because whatever degree of innate attraction they already feel for you will go up (or flow more smoothly.)

— takeaway?

we all look for strong values in our partners.

we all want someone we can respect, not just someone who will love us back.

if you can become more respectable from their perspective, then you will naturally become more desirable.

if you diminish your value, however, you will be harder to want.

tl;dr how to make someone want you back?

give them the opportunity to miss you while you chase your mission instead, and raise your value. essentially:

  • you need something better to do than pining after someone.
  • divert your attention to worthy goals: this ensures they won’t feel penned in or obsessed over by you (a good thing, as it can make your value low in their eyes.)
  • agree to the breakup in your actions (chasing your mission rather than a person) so that human nature lends you a helping hand.
  • understand that giving someone space makes it easier for them to miss and ponder what you are doing.
  • love is not kind to force: give your ex the freedom to be curious about you enough to want you back.
  • letting your ex go makes you appear confident and assured. qualities that someone you love can desire and respect.

this is as close as you can get to “making” someone want you back without bringing your ethics into question.

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About the author: i’m a relationship coach specialising in breakup recovery. i’ve been doing this for 12+ years helping thousands worldwide. i created the Breakup Dojo, a popular program with over 1,000 members. i’ve authored several in-demand breakup recovery products, drawing from my deep fascination with psychology. i also publish the “ex-communication” newsletter that’s packed with actionable advice to over 10,000 subscribers worldwide.