Should You Let Him Come To You After a Breakup?

One of the top questions I get from women after breaking up with their boyfriend, is “should I let him come to me?” Well, the answer depends on the situation. E.G., if he called it off, YES: For the first few weeks, let him come to you. If you called it off, NO: You should not expect him to make the first move.

Below I will address both situations further. Let’s start with when your boyfriend finished the relationship.

What to Do if Your Boyfriend Broke up With You?

If he broke up with you, it is better to give him a chance to come to you first. Let him decide for himself what he wants without any input from you. He may need a short break. And not hearing from you puts you in a strong position.

Here’s why:

  1. It shows you have confidence and self-respect: You know what? If he wants to be with you, he knows where to find you. Why should it be any other way around? He broke up with you so let him work for it. This shows self-confidence and respect for yourself. Enough not to beg someone who claims not to want to be in your life anymore.
  2. It forces your ex to show his true feelings: In my experience, when a guy makes the first move, the woman has the upper hand. You get to negotiate better terms.

Of course, it is possible he just wants to get laid. You should watch out for that. Wait until you are back in a committed relationship before sleeping with him.

What if You Initiated the Breakup?

If you initiated the breakup, it is not fair or reasonable to expect him to make the first move. Honestly, you should give him a bit of time to blow off some steam and then check in with him. That’s assuming you want him back.

Of course, if you are lucky, your ex-boyfriend will still choose to take control and fight for you. Yes, even if he does not hear from you. And men should be encouraged to take charge!

Be mindful he will need time to vent and space to heal from the breakup. So let him gather his thoughts. He might not be ready to hear that you made a mistake (for example) so soon. If he is still angry, you could find yourself at the wrong end of his anger and turn a bad situation into a catastrophe.

What if You Never Hear From Him Again?

While it would be better if your ex initiates contact, that does not mean you can never be the first one to make a move. Listen, I deal in the business of reuniting couples. And honestly, I would have fewer success stories if I told all my female clients never to initiate contact after a breakup. While it is empowering to insist he makes the first move, it is not always the best solution. The fact remains that many couples today would not be together if the woman hadn’t taken control.

Remember, men can be stubborn creatures. Plus, your ex may even feel ashamed or embarrassed about his actions. For that reason, and many others, do this:

  1. Don’t contact him for a few weeks (no more than 30-days,) so your ex-boyfriend has ample time to come back to you.
  2. If you do not hear from him by the end of your no contact period? Assuming you still want to pursue him, then send him a message to break the ice. You never know; this could lead to what you want.

Bottom line? There is no shame in being the first one to pick up the phone. If you give him space and then send a good first message, you could be pleasantly surprised by the response you get. Plus, it shows you’re in control of yourself and aren’t afraid to reach out —two things we all know are attractive qualities in a partner.

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About the author: i’m a relationship coach specialising in breakup recovery. i’ve been doing this for 12+ years helping thousands worldwide. i created the Breakup Dojo, a popular program with over 1,000 members. i’ve authored several in-demand breakup recovery products, drawing from my deep fascination with psychology. i also publish the “ex-communication” newsletter that’s packed with actionable advice to over 10,000 subscribers worldwide.