Today you're going to learn how to get your ex boyfriend back (from a guy's POV!)
Why listen to me? Because I have nearly 10 years experience helping women to get back with their ex boyfriend (without looking desperate.)
Let's dive right in.
Listen, this is a common predicament. Relationships end. However, they also start again, and some go on to become even better than they were before the breakup.
In fact, researchers published a study showing how nearly half of the 792 young adults studied went back to a previous dating partner! Now, I have no idea what the percentages are like for older adults, but it is clear we humans —old and young alike— are fond of revisiting our past.
Recovery is possible. Separated couples frequently try again, and they do so from all manner of backgrounds and "impossible situations" that would make a relationship expert's head spin...
Honestly, the specific details of what happened with your boyfriend do not matter nearly as much as some believe, nor does it matter if your ex boyfriend is stubborn or known for not giving second chances.
You can become lover's again.
Stubborn men and crazy breakups are not immune to the laws of human nature...
Many girls worry their ex boyfriend will be enjoying his freedom far more than any perk he was getting from the relationship.
While that may be true at first (usually propped up with the support of his friends,) once the anger and drama has subsided he is likely to reevaluate the situation.
Naturally, while you are worried he will soon forget about you, or be snapped up by another girl, rest assured that's not quite how it works. I mean... yes, it happens. But it's always more complicated than that.
If you had a meaningful relationship, then it would have left a mark that won't vanish overnight.
This means he can't forget about you or get over it in a hurry. The relationship may have ended, but the feelings continue for some time after.
These feelings are essentially baggage that he must carry with him. Which incidentally is why rebound relationships are almost certain to fail once the honeymoon phase passes.
Anyway... it is within these ongoing feelings where you will find an opening or gap back into his life. Because, any anger and any certainty he had or has about leaving you will soften in time, and become replaced with longing and uncertainty.
It is at this moment — weeks or months later — that he may look for you to see what he gave up...
And you want to be at your best for when this happens!
Naturally, the idea of him getting on with his life in the meantime is distressing for you, and the pain you've been left with since the breakup is beyond any description I could write.
I want you to know that I know this is a tough time for you, even if I can't understand how you feel (who am I to say?)
What I can do however is give you some pointers for handling this most challenging time.
Let's look at how you go about nudging him into considering the idea of getting back with you.
This is not a time for communication.
You need to put some distance between you and him. And between you and his friends and family.
I'm talking zero communication. And yes, this includes social media.
Not out of spite, mind. Nor is this about blanking them! I'm talking about a deliberate effort to avoid conversation in the first place.
If you DO cross paths, be polite and brief. Then move on.
If you DON'T see or hear from him then silence is your friend.
Yes, it'll be odd not to talk. Reaching out will be all you want to do, including checking Facebook, or the other social platforms he may post on.
No doubt about it: breaking the habit of checking and sending messages to one another will be hard. You'll need to be strong to stay committed. But, the break from contact will change the dynamics. Besides, he'll also feel the pain of being ignored (it's a two way street, and it's hard to ignore being ignored!)
This is almost a cliche these days, but it's no less true. Refraining from contact works. Simple as that. But with one proviso: what you do during this time is even more important. If you're unsure about this step, about why it works and how it benefits, take the time to learn. It is too important to be unsure about.
Hint: If you want to know how to get your ex boyfriend back, put more attention on yourself than on him ;-)
In short, breaking contact is a critical step in the breakup to make-up process.
Long Distance Relationship?
Same thing applies: follow the no contact rule and stay away from the online places you usually "cross paths" on.
If you get coaching from a high profile relationship guru, he or she would get you to work on yourself FIRST. On raising YOUR value, not your boyfriends. Would they be wrong?
They'd guide you to care for —and improve— the woman in the mirror, and to accept and trust the one looking back to do the right thing for HER (...you...) because the side effect of this healthy approach is that it gets your man to reconsider your value and place in his life!
AND ensures you won't undervalue yourself or put him on a pedestal.
See if you can fill in the gap here...
Is it attractive to your ex boyfriend —or indeed ANY man— when:
- you freak out;
- you're depressed or apathetic;
- you're clingy or obsessive;
- you're desperate or jealous;
- you're begging and calling day and night?
- you let your emotions make all decisions
- you stay in and shut the world out?
No. Of course not.
If you are demonstrating any of those qualities, or similar, you are not helping yourself if you want him to miss you.
But don't feel bad. The annoying thing about breakups is they leave a path of destruction inside of you —emotionally and mentally— which make it very difficult not to do any of the above. Or similar.
In this way, you are almost meant to react in ways that cause more harm than good. Not because you want that. It's just how we naturally respond to the end of a relationship.
Your job is to fight those urges.
While you won't feel positive right now, and you're biologically predisposed to feel dejected at times like this … you need to DO whatever you can that is the opposite of that if you are to get your boyfriend back. You need to strive for positive and upbeat!
I won't lie and tell you this is easy. All I will ask of you is that you remain open-minded, and have the attitude that you will try.
Is that agreeable?
So, for example, something you might do in the spirit of trying is to spend less time alone with your thoughts indoors, and more time out and about with friends and family.
Saying YES to activities, even when you don't feel like it (because you probably won't …) is precisely what I'm talking about.
And who knows. Maybe you will have some fun.
Having fun, being outgoing and making “stories” you can later share help to make your more attractive to your ex boyfriend.
Staying indoors and moping, however (though entirely reasonable to do) is not persuasive or compelling to anyone. Certainly not your ex.
It's not good for you either.
Something to keep in mind.
Another way of looking at it is, you might want to be more like the person he fell for in the first place than the person he ultimately broke up with … IF you also agree that those qualities are good ones for you to have.
If he wanted you to change in ways that are not healthy or right for you, then you really should reconsider if this relationship is worth saving.
Remember we are not wired to be attracted to people who have low-energy, who are “needy” and who are depressed. Those are not magnetic qualities.
That is human nature.
Not a choice we make. Just a way we feel in reaction to those kinds of qualities.
What's especially cruel of course is that you're left to feel that way as a result of the breakup. Just like I said earlier. It's a natural response.
You might be feeling a 7 or an eight on the value-scale of life BEFORE you broke up, but afterward, your value plummeted, and you may struggle to feel like a 2 or 3.
What you have to do, and it is critical .. is FIGHT your natural response to the event (which is to feel like you have little value and little to offer) so that you stem the loss of “value” and regain your power …
Power, I might add, you always had and always will have! We all do. But we can trick ourselves quite easily, hide it, and believe we are less than we are.
And we do such an excellent job of it that THAT is what is picked up by those around us.
Especially your partner.
So let him see you enjoying yourself and life. Be confident and outgoing, and he may remember what he first saw in you.
Once things have settled, it never hurts to try and truly understand why your boyfriend left you. Because if you don't know, it will be difficult for you to fix the problem. And I assure you, there was a problem.
When you and he began going out, you would have been very tolerant of one another. We tend to act our best in the first stages of the relationship. However, over time, we relax a little. Often this leads to small irritations. Can you relate to this?
Sometimes one irritation too many is all it takes to break up a relationship.
Putting aside blame (a waste of energy,) reflect on whether you were pushy, or took him for granted. Or maybe you were controlling, or angry, or always complaining.
It's not for me to say of course. I'm just listing the kind of things you might want to think about.
Let's look at a few common reasons for breaking up:
Sadly this is more common than I'd like. Putting aside if it is justified, men who get bored will seek excitement elsewhere.
As reasons go, it is lame (because it is easy to fix!) but there you go.
It's awful to consider that the man you love no longer felt attraction for you. And I hope it's not the case. But, it is quite common so I'd be silly to not talk about it here.
Men value physical appearance highly. If over time he perceived a downward trend in your appearance, then it is possible this contributed to his decision to leave you.
If this happened, take heart: you can easily dial-up your appearance (another easy fix) and combined with a break (where you work on yourself,) when he next sees you, the contrast between what he remembers of you and what stands before him will be completely in your favor.
Another uncomfortable reason!
Reality is, guys have needs which easily override reason. And, men are terrible at communicating what they want.
If he wasn't getting enough, it's another potential factor to consider.
It's also quite easy to fix this problem...
Obviously if your boyfriend found admiration and attention in another woman, his biology is going to pull him in that direction (away from you.)
If that happened, it is not hopeless.
Often in life we mistakenly believe the grass is greener, only to discover later it isn't so. And with relationships, you see that happen in rebounds and also in affairs.
He may regret his choices once the novelty wears off.
Of course, it's possible it was all him and not you or something you did. Because although people say “it's not you it's me” and often that's not true, that doesn't mean it's never true.
If your ex boyfriend doesn't know what he wants, then it is difficult to please him! However, not impossible.
Whatever the reason. Don't fret. Even the best of us will slip up from time to time. And even big problems can be resolved.
Whatever happened between you...
My suggestion is to ask yourself honestly: am I in the wrong, or at least equally responsible for the breakup?
If so, spend time to fix those problems on your end where possible. But only when it makes sense that you would do so (for example, changes that are not positive for you should not be made!)
Before we continue, I must be clear: this step is not about blame. This is a chance for you to improve yourself, something that will benefit you regardless of whether you get back with your boyfriend or not.
So forget about blame and instead think along the lines of being responsible and accountable.
Being responsible is an attractive quality.
Blaming (others or yourself) is an unattractive quality.
So, identify why your ex boyfriend broke up with you. And if it is healthy for you to fix something, go for it!
Giving him space and working on yourself puts you in a stronger position. But, how long should you do this for?
I know this isn't what you want to hear. But you have to be patient and willing to let this thing run its course.
When I said earlier to give your guy some space, I'm not talking about a couple of days. Or even a week.
(In some cases, that may be long enough, but those are less common.)
It's going to be challenging for you. But for most couples, I recommend a few weeks of no contact. In some cases, 30 days or longer.
There are caveats to all this (isn't there always?) and I even developed a tool that will tell you exactly how long to take a break for. But only giving him a few days of space is not enough.
Not for either of you.
So take a deep breath. And commit.
Use this cooling off stage to your advantage. That's the point as much as any other. Use this time to learn how to cope with the situation, improve yourself, and become the best YOU that you can be.
Which incidentally helps you when you DO eventually reconnect with your man and you plan what to do next (if he hasn't already made the first move...)
New: Check out the No Contact Calculator (opens in new window.)
When it's contact time?
Cutting to the chase, I recommend you text your ex boyfriend.
Take it from a very experienced relationship coach...
Calling on the phone is risky in comparison. And writing a letter can look try-hard.
Think about it. Speaking on the phone means thinking on your feet. And once you've started chatting, things can run away from you (making it easy to say the wrong thing.)
Letters can work, but that medium is not as universally accepted today as plain texting is.
Texting is the safest approach. It gives your ex boyfriend time to think. He can reply when he feels comfortable to. And, when he does reply, you also have time to think. This helps to reduce mistakes.
So, what do you send?
What you send must:
- Be upbeat;
- Be Interesting;
- Be confident;
- Be happy;
- Be un-attached to getting a reply!
Do not send:
- Single-word texts;
- Angry texts;
- Needy texts;
- Texts asking for another chance;
- Demanding texts!
Here's a basic formula:
- Pick a topic / hobby / band / movie / interest you both enjoy and which is meaningful to him;
- Look for something new / different / interesting about it which is worth commenting on;
- Casually convey your opinion / remark to your ex boyfriend!
Life can be cruel!
But, before you give up let me assure you:
Plenty of men (and women) start dating after a breakup for plenty of reasons, including:
- peer pressure to "get back out there"
- reading articles which recommend dating after breaking up
- doing it in hope it will heal their pain
But, the number of which go on to have long term relationships with their dates?
So the person he is dating is unlikely to become his forever girlfriend. Especially if your breakup was recent... he's just not likely to fall in love. Instead, he'll experience lust and excitement. Which he may interpret as love, but it isn't the same thing. After the initial rush wears off? He will be left to deal with the unprocessed emotions of his previous relationship (with you.)
The point is, you can still win him back if he is seeing other women (as my clients have discovered.)
Stick to the process regardless of because you never know when he'll be ready to build
The above gets the ball rolling.
The goal? To OPEN up the communication channels. You are not looking to meet up at this stage. You just want to be soften the negative feelings between you so there is more room for the good feelings.
Take it slowly. The slower the better in my experience...
If you imagine a few weeks from now meeting up with your ex, and you're controlled, confident, and happy, you might show your boyfriend what he's been missing. And who knows, you could be well on your way to get him back.
These SEVEN dead giveaway clues tell you what your chances are:
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My girlfriend and I broke up last week. I followed your instructions and we are back together" — Erick Nelson
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