I am sorry your relationship ended. I understand you want to get your ex-boyfriend back, and that is why you are here. The good news is I have a lot of experience helping couples get back together. Even when it looks like it’s not going to work out. So even though your boyfriend broke up with you, and even if he decides to date others, do not give up hope. Let me show you what to do to help your man come back to you.
Check this: Researchers published a study1 showing how nearly half of the 792 young adults studied went back to a previous dating partner —yes, it is not unusual to get back together.
Can You Get Him Back?
There is always a chance to get him back and salvage the relationship. The specifics of what went wrong with your boyfriend do not matter as much as some people think. Nor does it matter if he is stubborn or doesn’t give second chances. You can still get him back. And you can become lovers again.
Stubborn men and crazy breakups are not immune to the laws of human nature. If you are as determined as he is stubborn, your story is far from over.
Your goal is to muster the will to make it hard for him to ignore you.
Will He Be Happier Without You?
After the breakup, you might worry your boyfriend will stop caring about you and have more fun without you. But, once the anger and drama subside, he is more likely to miss you than anything else.
Also, while you may worry another girl will take him away, rest assured if that happens, it is not the end for you. He can still tap into the positive memories you made together.
A strong connection creates a bond that makes it harder for him to forget about you or get over the breakup. The relationship may have ended, but the feelings continue for some time.
These unresolved feelings become baggage which he must carry with him. If your boyfriend gets in a new relationship, he brings his emotional baggage with him. Rebound relationships usually fail because of unresolved feelings from the past relationship. Once the honeymoon phase ends, reality rears its ugly head.
It is during these ongoing feelings where you will find an opening to re-enter his life. Anger and certainty over breaking up will fade, replaced by longing and uncertainty.
It will be heartbreaking to think of him moving on with his life when you’re still waiting. The pain of a breakup is beyond any description I could write.
I want you to know that I know this is a tough time for you, even if I can’t understand how you feel (who am I to say?)
What I can do is give you some pointers for handling this challenging time.
Today we will go over how to nudge him into thinking about getting back together with you.
Follow the No Contact Rule
I recommend you become familiar with the rules of no contact, especially if you have only recently broken up.
It is a good idea to put some distance between you and him. And in turn, between you and his friends and family.
I’m talking zero communication. And yes, this includes social media.
Not out of spite, mind. Nor is this about blanking your guy. I’m talking about a deliberate effort to avoid conversation in the first place.
If you DO cross paths, be polite and brief. Then move on.
If you DON’T see or hear from him, silence is your friend.
Yes, it’ll be odd not to talk. Reaching out will be all you want to do. You’ll feel tempted to send a message on Facebook or any other social platform he has an account on.
Breaking the habit of checking and sending messages to one another will be hard. You’ll need to be strong to stay committed. But, the break from contact will change the dynamics. Besides, he’ll also feel the pain of being ignored (it’s a two-way street.) It will be hard for him to ignore you ignoring him.
Going “radio silence” on your ex is a cliche these days, but it’s no less effective for it. Refraining from contact works. Simple as that. But with one proviso: What you do during this time is what matters. If you’re unsure about this step, why it works and how it benefits, take the time to learn.
Hint: If you want to know how to get your ex-boyfriend back, put more attention on yourself than on him 😉
In short, breaking contact is a critical step in the breakup to make-up process.
What if You Are in a Long-Distance Relationship?
If you are in a long-distance relationship, the no contact rule is just as important to follow. You still need to give yourself and your ex a break from each other. It is the time to re-evaluate what you want out of your relationship and whether or not it’s worth getting back together.
Of course, the upside to an LDR is you will not accidentally bump into each other at work, school, the local shop, pub etc. You just need to stay away from the online places you usually “cross paths” on.
How Long Until You Make Contact?
Giving him space and working on yourself puts you in a stronger position. But how long should you do this for?
I know this isn’t what you want to hear. But you have to be patient and willing to let this thing run its course.
When I said to give your guy some space, I’m not talking about a couple of days. Or even a week.
(In some cases, that may be long enough, but those are less common.)
It’s going to be challenging for you. But for most couples, I recommend a few weeks of no contact. In some cases, 30 days or longer.
There are caveats to all this (isn’t there always?) and I even developed a no contact duration tool that will tell you how long to take a break. But only giving him a few days of space is not enough.
Not for either of you.
So take a deep breath. And commit.
Use this cooling-off stage to your advantage. That’s the point as much as any other. Use this time to learn how to cope with the situation, improve yourself, and become the best you.
Which incidentally helps you when you DO reconnect with your man, and you plan what to do after taking a break (if he hasn’t made the first move…)
How to Attract Him?
If you are lucky enough to have a good ex-back coach, they will first ask you about the quality of your life WITHOUT your ex. To recognise who you are with no one. In other words, the first step in regaining attraction is to work on yourself and raise your value.
After a breakup, your top priority is to take care of yourself and become a healthy and attractive single woman. There is no better way to get your man to think about you and wonder if he made a mistake.
The last thing you want to do is undervalue yourself or put your ex on a pedestal.
Put it this way —
Is it attractive to your ex-boyfriend —or indeed ANY man— when:
- You freak out;
- You’re depressed or apathetic;
- You’re clingy or obsessive;
- You’re desperate or jealous;
- You’re begging and calling day and night?
- You let your emotions make all decisions
- You stay in and shut the world out?
No. Definitely not.
If you demonstrate any of those qualities, you are not helping yourself if you want him to miss you.
But don’t feel bad. The annoying thing about breakups is that they leave a path of destruction inside you —emotionally and mentally— which makes it difficult not to do any of the above.
In this way, you can see how you are programmed to react in ways that cause more harm than good. Not because you want that. It’s just how we respond to the end of a relationship.
Your job is to fight those urges.
While you won’t feel positive and are biologically predisposed to feel dejected? You still need to do what you can to get your boyfriend back. You need to strive for positive and upbeat.
I won’t lie and tell you this is easy. All I will ask of you is that you remain open-minded, and have the attitude that you will try.
Is that agreeable?
For example, in the spirit of trying you might spend less time alone with your thoughts indoors. You might spend more time out and about with friends and family.
Saying YES to activities when you don’t feel like it (because you probably won’t…) is precisely what I’m talking about.
And who knows. Maybe you will have some fun.
Having fun and going out to make “stories” you can later share, make you attractive to your ex-boyfriend.
Staying indoors and moping, while reasonable, is not persuasive or compelling to anyone. Certainly not your ex.
It’s not good for you either.
Another way of looking at it is you want to be more like the woman he fell for in the first place. Not the woman he broke up with. But only if you agree those qualities are right for you.
If he wanted you to change in ways not healthy or right for you, reconsider if this relationship is worth saving.
Remember, men are not supposed to be attracted to women who have low energy and are “needy” and depressed. Those are not magnetic qualities.
That is human nature.
Not a choice we make. Just a way we feel in reaction to those kinds of qualities.
What’s cruel, of course, is that you’re left to feel that way as a result of the breakup. Just like I said earlier. It’s a natural response.
You might be feeling a seven or an eight on the value scale of life BEFORE you broke up. But afterwards, your value plummeted, and you may struggle to feel like a 2 or 3.
You have to FIGHT your natural response to the event (where you feel you have little value to offer.) So you stem the loss of “value” and regain your power.
Power, I might add, you always had and always will have. We all do. But we can trick ourselves, hide it, and believe we are less than we are.
We do such an excellent job of it that this is what gets picked up by those around us.
Especially your partner.
So let him see you enjoying yourself and life. Be confident and outgoing, and he may remember what he saw in you.
Identify the Reason Your Boyfriend Broke up With You
Once things have settled, try and understand why your boyfriend left you. Because if you don’t know, it will be difficult for you to fix the problem. And I assure you, there was a problem.
When you and your man began going out, you would have been tolerant of one another. We tend to act our best in the first stages of the relationship. However, over time, we relax a little. This leads to small irritations. Can you relate to this?
One irritation too many is all it takes to break up a relationship.
Putting aside blame (a waste of energy) reflect on whether you were pushy, or took him for granted. Or if you were controlling, angry or complaining.
It’s not for me to say, of course. I’m just listing the kind of things you might want to think about.
Let’s look at a few common reasons for breaking up:
Your Boyfriend Got Bored
This is more common than I’d like. Putting aside if it is justified, men who get bored will seek excitement elsewhere.
As reasons go, it is lame (because it is easy to fix), but there you go.
Your Ex-Boyfriend Lost Attraction for You
It’s awful to consider that the man you love no longer felt an attraction for you. And I hope it’s not the case. But, it is common, so I’d be silly to not talk about it.
Men value physical appearance. Suppose over time he perceived a downward trend in your appearance. In that case, this contributed to his decision to leave you.
If this happened, take heart. You can improve your appearance (another easy fix.) Combined with a break, you get the contrast effect. This is when you work on yourself in the time apart. So when he next sees you, the contrast between what he remembers of you and what stands before him will be in your favour.
Your Boyfriend Wanted More Sex
Another uncomfortable reason.
Reality is, guys have needs which override reason. And, men are terrible at communicating what they want.
If he wasn’t getting enough, it’s another potential factor to consider.
It’s quite easy to fix this problem.
Your Boyfriend Was Cheating (Argh!)
Suppose your boyfriend found admiration and attention in another woman. In that case, his biology is going to pull him in that direction (from you.)
If that happened, it is not hopeless.
In life we believe the grass is greener, only to discover it isn’t. And with relationships, you see that happen in rebounds and in affairs.
He may regret his choices once the novelty wears off.
Your Boyfriend Doesn’t Know What He Wants!
Of course, it’s possible it was all him and not you or something you did. Because although people say “it’s not you, it’s me” and often that’s not true, that doesn’t mean it’s never true.
If your ex-boyfriend doesn’t know what he wants, it is difficult to please him. However, not impossible.
Whatever the reason. Don’t fret. Even the best of us will slip up from time to time. And even big problems can be resolved.
Whatever happened between you —
My suggestion is to ask yourself: am I in the wrong, or at least equally responsible for the breakup?
If yes, spend time to fix those problems on your end where possible. But only when it makes sense that you would do so (for example, changes that are not positive for you should not be made.)
Before we continue, I must be clear: this step is not about blame. This is a chance to improve yourself. Something that benefits you regardless of whether you get back with your boyfriend.
Forget about blame and think about being responsible and accountable.
Being responsible is an attractive quality.
Blaming (others or yourself) is an unattractive quality.
So, identify why your ex-boyfriend broke up with you. And if it is healthy for you to fix something, go for it.
What to Do After No Contact?
After you complete the no contact stage, it will be time to reach out to your ex-boyfriend. Yes, it is time to initiate contact.
Cutting to the chase, I recommend you text your ex to start.
Take it from an experienced relationship coach:
Calling on the phone is risky in comparison to texting. And writing a letter can look try-hard.
Think about it. Speaking on the phone means thinking on your feet. And once you’ve started chatting, things can run away from you (making it easy to say the wrong thing.)
Letters can work, but that medium is not as universally accepted today as plain texting is.
Texting is the safest approach. It gives your ex-boyfriend time to think. He can reply when he feels comfortable to do so. And, when he does respond, you also have time to think. This helps to reduce mistakes.
So, what do you send?
What you send must:
- Be upbeat;
- Be Interesting;
- Be confident;
- Be happy;
- Be un-attached to getting a reply.
Do not send:
- Single-word texts;
- Angry texts;
- Needy texts;
- Texts asking for another chance;
- Demanding texts.
Here’s a basic formula:
- Pick a topic / hobby / band / movie / interest you both enjoy and which is meaningful to him;
- Look for something new / different / interesting about it which is worth commenting on;
- Casually convey your opinion / remark to your ex boyfriend.
The key to sweet-talking your man back into your life is to keep the mood light and encourage him to have fun.
What if Your Ex Has Started Dating?
You might be feeling like this is the worst possible scenario, but it doesn’t have to be that way.
Before you give up, let me assure you:
Plenty of men (and women) start dating after a breakup for plenty of reasons, including:
- Peer pressure to “get back out there”
- Reading articles which recommend dating after breaking up
- Doing it in hope it will heal their pain
But, the number of which go on to have long term relationships with their dates?
The person he is dating is unlikely to become his forever girlfriend. Especially if your breakup was recent… he’s just not likely to fall in love. Instead, he’ll experience lust and excitement. Which he may interpret as love, but it isn’t the same thing. After the initial rush wears off? He will be left to deal with the unprocessed emotions of his previous relationship (with you.)
The point is, you can win him back if he is seeing other women (as my clients have discovered.)
Stick to the process because you never know when he’ll be ready to talk to you.
The above gets the ball rolling.
The goal? To OPEN up the communication channels. You are not looking to meet up at this stage. You want to soften the negative feelings between you, so there is more room for the good feelings.
Take it slowly. The slower, the better in my experience.
Imagine in a few weeks, meeting your ex and you’re controlled, confident, and happy. You might show your boyfriend what he’s been missing. And who knows, you could be well on your way to get him back.
Frequently Asked Questions
How Can You Make Your Ex-Boyfriend Want You Back?
The desire to make your boyfriend want you back is understandable. The following tips will serve you well:
- Men don’t like drama;
- Your boyfriend wants to take charge: Let him.
- Men like a challenge: Give him one.
- Raise your value: Power is everything to a man. The more value he sees in you, the more desirable you will be to him;
- Better yourself: Use your time wisely, channel your energy into self-improvement;
- Don’t be a validation junkie: Realise that validation comes from within;
- Keep your cool when he talks to you: Remember the first rule (men don’t like drama…);
- Men love mystery, not misery: Don’t be an open book —the more interesting you are, the more attractive you will be in his eyes;
- Make it easy for him to want you back: Give him a reason to want you back (something fresh or different about you);
- Find the balance between resolving conflicts and having fun: Serious talk is a mood killer. When you absolutely must address a conflict, fair enough. Otherwise, lean toward fun until you are back in a stable relationship.
How Do You Make Your Ex-Boyfriend Regret Leaving You?
To make your ex-boyfriend regret leaving you:
- Demonstrate the exact opposite of what he complained about;
- Do not chase him.
If he said you were negative or controlling, try to think of the world as a good place. Try to be more easy-going.
Do not chase him, either, as you want him to feel unsure he can win you back as that will increase his regret.
How Long Does It Take for Guys to Regret Breaking Up?
If a guy breaks up with you in a moment of anger, he could regret his decision before the day is done. Whereas a man who has been increasingly unhappy in the relationship for a while will only start regretting his decision 3-4 weeks later. That is assuming he has a reason to regret the decision.
Do Guys Miss Their Ex?
Guys miss their ex just as much as women do. Although, men are likely to miss the sex more on average than women do. That said, men can be just as sentimental. He may go to a place that has sentimental value and nostalgically stare blankly in the distance as he reminisces.
Guys are just as capable of replaying the good memories as you are.
How Do You Make Him Realize What He Lost?
For him to realize what he lost, he first has to experience life without you in it. Next, give him indirect reminders of how good life is for you via social media updates and mutual friends. That way, you will let him connect the dots by himself, so he will realize what he lost.