Has your boyfriend broken up with you? Did you try to change his mind to no avail? Don’t give up! Let me give you a man’s point-of-view on how to win him back. I have been helping women reunite with their ex-boyfriends for years. And like them, you will do it without looking desperate or giving up your dignity.
Sound good? Let’s dive in.
“I want my ex boyfriend back!” — good news! There’s hope
Listen, this is a common predicament. Relationships end. However, they also start again, and some go on to become better than they were before the breakup.
Researchers published a study showing how nearly half of the 792 young adults1 studied went back to a previous dating partner! I do not know what the percentages are for older adults. But it is clear we humans —old and young— are fond of revisiting our past.
Recovery is possible. Separated couples frequently try again. They do from all manner of backgrounds and “impossible situations.” It’s enough to make a relationship expert’s head spin!
You can get your ex boyfriend back
The specific details of what happened with your boyfriend do not matter as much as some think. Nor does it matter if your ex-boyfriend is stubborn or known for not giving second chances.
You can become lover’s again.
Stubborn men and crazy breakups are not immune to the laws of human nature.
And if you match his stubbornness with your determination, your story is far from over 🙂
Will your ex boyfriend forget you?
Many girls worry their ex-boyfriend will be enjoying their freedom more than any perk he was getting from the relationship.
That may be true at first (usually propped up with the support of his friends.) But once the anger and drama have subsided, he is likely to reevaluate the situation.
And while you are worried he will forget about you, or be snapped up by another girl, rest assured that’s not how it works. I mean… yes, it happens. But it’s more complicated than that.
If you shared a meaningful relationship, it would have left a mark that won’t vanish overnight.
A strong bond makes it harder for him to forget about you or get over it in a hurry. The relationship may have ended, but the feelings continue for some time.
These feelings are baggage he must carry with him. Which is why rebound relationships are certain to fail once the honeymoon phase passes.
It is within these ongoing feelings where you will find an opening back into his life. Because, any anger and certainty he had about leaving you will soften in time. Replaced by longing and uncertainty.
It is at this moment — days, weeks or months later — that he may look for you to see what he gave up.
And you want to be at your best for when this happens!
The idea of him getting on with his life in the meantime will be distressing for you. The pain you were left with since the breakup is beyond any description I could write.
I want you to know that I know this is a tough time for you, even if I can’t understand how you feel (who am I to say?)
What I can do is give you some pointers for handling this challenging time.
Let’s look at how you go about nudging him into considering the idea of getting back with you.
Follow the no contact rule
You should stop all communication with your ex-boyfriend after the breakup. Follow the no contact rule.
You need to put some distance between you and him. And between you and his friends and family.
I’m talking zero communication. And yes, this includes social media.
Not out of spite, mind. Nor is this about blanking your guy! I’m talking about a deliberate effort to avoid conversation in the first place.
If you DO cross paths, be polite and brief. Then move on.
If you DON’T see or hear from him, silence is your friend.
Yes, it’ll be odd not to talk. Reaching out will be all you want to do. Including checking Facebook and the other social platforms he posts on.
No doubt about it: breaking the habit of checking and sending messages to one another will be hard. You’ll need to be strong to stay committed. But, the break from contact will change the dynamics. Besides, he’ll also feel the pain of being ignored (it’s a two-way street.) It will be hard for him to ignore you ignoring him!
Going “radio silence” on your ex is a cliche these days, but it’s no less effective for it. Refraining from contact works. Simple as that. But with one proviso: what you do during this time is what matters. If you’re unsure about this step, about why it works and how it benefits, take the time to learn.
Hint: If you want to know how to get your ex-boyfriend back, put more attention on yourself than on him 😉
In short, breaking contact is a critical step in the breakup to make-up process.
The same rule applies when in a long-distance relationship. Follow the no contact rule and stay away from the online places you usually “cross paths” on.
How to attract your ex-boyfriend?
If you get coaching from a high profile relationship guru, he or she will get you to work on yourself FIRST. On raising YOUR value, not your boyfriends. Would they be wrong?
They’d guide you to care for —and improve— the woman in the mirror. To accept and trust the one looking back to do the right thing for HER. Why? Because the side effect of this gets your man to reconsider your value and place in his life!
AND ensures you won’t undervalue yourself or put him on a pedestal.
Put it this way —
Is it attractive to your ex-boyfriend —or indeed ANY man— when:
- you freak out;
- you’re depressed or apathetic;
- you’re clingy or obsessive;
- you’re desperate or jealous;
- you’re begging and calling day and night?
- you let your emotions make all decisions
- you stay in and shut the world out?
No. Of course not.
If you are demonstrating any of those qualities, you are not helping yourself if you want him to miss you.
But don’t feel bad. The annoying thing about breakups is they leave a path of destruction inside of you. Emotionally and mentally. Which make it difficult not to do any of the above. Or similar.
In this way, you can see how you are programmed to react in ways that cause more harm than good. Not because you want that. It’s just how we respond to the end of a relationship.
Your job is to fight those urges.
While you won’t feel positive and are biologically predisposed to feel dejected? You still need to do what you can to get your boyfriend back. You need to strive for positive and upbeat!
I won’t lie and tell you this is easy. All I will ask of you is that you remain open-minded, and have the attitude that you will try.
Is that agreeable?
For example, in the spirit of trying you might spend less time alone with your thoughts indoors. You might spend more time out and about with friends and family.
Saying YES to activities when you don’t feel like it (because you probably won’t…) is precisely what I’m talking about.
And who knows. Maybe you will have some fun.
Having fun and going out to make “stories” you can later share, all make you attractive to your ex-boyfriend.
Staying indoors and moping, while reasonable, is not persuasive or compelling to anyone. Certainly not your ex.
It’s not good for you either.
Another way of looking at it is you want to be more like the person he fell for in the first place. Not the person he broke up with. Though only if you agree, those qualities are right for you to have.
If he wanted you to change in ways not healthy or right for you, reconsider if this relationship is worth saving.
Remember men are not wired to be attracted to women who have low-energy, who are “needy” and who are depressed. Those are not magnetic qualities.
That is human nature.
Not a choice we make. Just a way we feel in reaction to those kinds of qualities.
What’s cruel, of course, is that you’re left to feel that way as a result of the breakup. Just like I said earlier. It’s a natural response.
You might be feeling a seven or an eight on the value-scale of life BEFORE you broke up. But afterwards, your value plummeted, and you may struggle to feel like a 2 or 3.
What you have to do is FIGHT your natural response to the event (where you feel you have little value to offer.) So you stem the loss of “value” and regain your power.
Power, I might add, you always had and always will have! We all do. But we can trick ourselves, hide it, and believe we are less than we are.
We do such an excellent job of it that this is what gets picked up by those around us.
Especially your partner.
So let him see you enjoying yourself and life. Be confident and outgoing, and he may remember what he saw in you.
Why did your ex-boyfriend break up with you?
Once things have settled, try and understand why your boyfriend left you. Because if you don’t know, it will be difficult for you to fix the problem. And I assure you, there was a problem.
When you and your man began going out, you would have been tolerant of one another. We tend to act our best in the first stages of the relationship. However, over time, we relax a little. This leads to small irritations. Can you relate to this?
One irritation too many is all it takes to break up a relationship.
Putting aside blame (a waste of energy) reflect on whether you were pushy, or took him for granted. Or if you were controlling, angry or complaining.
It’s not for me to say, of course. I’m just listing the kind of things you might want to think about.
Let’s look at a few common reasons for breaking up:
Your boyfriend got bored
This is more common than I’d like. Putting aside if it is justified, men who get bored will seek excitement elsewhere.
As reasons go, it is lame (because it is easy to fix!), but there you go.
Your ex boyfriend lost attraction for you
It’s awful to consider that the man you love no longer felt an attraction for you. And I hope it’s not the case. But, it is common, so I’d be silly to not talk about it.
Men value physical appearance. Suppose over time he perceived a downward trend in your appearance. In that case, this contributed to his decision to leave you.
If this happened, take heart. You can improve your appearance (another easy fix.) Combined with a break, you get the contrast effect. This is when you work on yourself in the time apart. So when he next sees you, the contrast between what he remembers of you and what stands before him will be in your favour.
Your boyfriend wanted more sex
Another uncomfortable reason!
Reality is, guys have needs which override reason. And, men are terrible at communicating what they want.
If he wasn’t getting enough, it’s another potential factor to consider.
It’s quite easy to fix this problem.
Your boyfriend was cheating (argh!)
Suppose your boyfriend found admiration and attention in another woman. In that case, his biology is going to pull him in that direction (from you.)
If that happened, it is not hopeless.
In life we believe the grass is greener, only to discover it isn’t. And with relationships, you see that happen in rebounds and in affairs.
He may regret his choices once the novelty wears off.
Your boyfriend doesn’t know what he wants!
Of course, it’s possible it was all him and not you or something you did. Because although people say “it’s not you, it’s me” and often that’s not true, that doesn’t mean it’s never true.
If your ex-boyfriend doesn’t know what he wants, it is difficult to please him! However, not impossible.
Whatever the reason. Don’t fret. Even the best of us will slip up from time to time. And even big problems can be resolved.
Whatever happened between you —
My suggestion is to ask yourself: am I in the wrong, or at least equally responsible for the breakup?
If yes, spend time to fix those problems on your end where possible. But only when it makes sense that you would do so (for example, changes that are not positive for you should not be made!)
Before we continue, I must be clear: this step is not about blame. This is a chance to improve yourself. Something that benefits you regardless of whether you get back with your boyfriend.
Forget about blame and think about being responsible and accountable.
Being responsible is an attractive quality.
Blaming (others or yourself) is an unattractive quality.
So, identify why your ex-boyfriend broke up with you. And if it is healthy for you to fix something, go for it!
How long before contacting your ex-boyfriend?
Giving him space and working on yourself puts you in a stronger position. But how long should you do this for?
I know this isn’t what you want to hear. But you have to be patient and willing to let this thing run its course.
When I said to give your guy some space, I’m not talking about a couple of days. Or even a week.
(In some cases, that may be long enough, but those are less common.)
It’s going to be challenging for you. But for most couples, I recommend a few weeks of no contact. In some cases, 30 days or longer.
There are caveats to all this (isn’t there always?) and I even developed a tool that will tell you how long to take a break for. But only giving him a few days of space is not enough.
Not for either of you.
So take a deep breath. And commit.
Use this cooling-off stage to your advantage. That’s the point as much as any other. Use this time to learn how to cope with the situation, improve yourself, and become the best YOU that you can be.
Which incidentally helps you when you DO reconnect with your man, and you plan what to do after no contact (if he hasn’t made the first move…)
Get your ex boyfriend back after no contact
When it’s contact time?
Cutting to the chase, I recommend you text your ex-boyfriend.
Take it from an experienced relationship coach:
Calling on the phone is risky in comparison. And writing a letter can look try-hard.
Think about it. Speaking on the phone means thinking on your feet. And once you’ve started chatting, things can run away from you (making it easy to say the wrong thing.)
Letters can work, but that medium is not as universally accepted today as plain texting is.
Texting is the safest approach. It gives your ex-boyfriend time to think. He can reply when he feels comfortable to do so. And, when he does respond, you also have time to think. This helps to reduce mistakes.
So, what do you send?
What you send must:
- Be upbeat;
- Be Interesting;
- Be confident;
- Be happy;
- Be un-attached to getting a reply!
Do not send:
- Single-word texts;
- Angry texts;
- Needy texts;
- Texts asking for another chance;
- Demanding texts!
Here’s a basic formula:
- Pick a topic / hobby / band / movie / interest you both enjoy and which is meaningful to him;
- Look for something new / different / interesting about it which is worth commenting on;
- Casually convey your opinion / remark to your ex boyfriend!
What if your ex boyfriend has started dating?
Life can be cruel!
But, before you give up, let me assure you:
Plenty of men (and women) start dating after a breakup for plenty of reasons, including:
- peer pressure to “get back out there”
- reading articles which recommend dating after breaking up
- doing it in hope it will heal their pain
But, the number of which go on to have long term relationships with their dates?
The person he is dating is unlikely to become his forever girlfriend. Especially if your breakup was recent… he’s just not likely to fall in love. Instead, he’ll experience lust and excitement. Which he may interpret as love, but it isn’t the same thing. After the initial rush wears off? He will be left to deal with the unprocessed emotions of his previous relationship (with you.)
The point is, you can win him back if he is seeing other women (as my clients have discovered.)
Stick to the process because you never know when he’ll be ready to talk to you.
Get back with your ex boyfriend slowly
The above gets the ball rolling.
The goal? To OPEN up the communication channels. You are not looking to meet up at this stage. You want to soften the negative feelings between you, so there is more room for the good feelings.
Take it slowly. The slower, the better in my experience.
Imagine in a few weeks, meeting your ex and you’re controlled, confident, and happy. You might show your boyfriend what he’s been missing! And who knows, you could be well on your way to get him back.