I would love to help you get your ex back, but only on the proviso that you have a genuine chance of happiness together, and have the ingredients necessary to make a relationship that fulfils both.
I have no interest in helping misery stay together.
There are few things worse in life than a breakup. At least as far as something which most of us will experience.
As such, I am sorry to know this is what brings you here today. Please know I take my responsibility as a relationship advisor seriously.
Unfortunately, while there’s plenty of good advice available — both online and off — it can be hard to know when you’ve found it. Sadly, some of the advice for the recently single can be harmful, misleading, and even cruel.
Please be careful out there.
Some people will grossly underestimate the pain you are dealing with:
“It’s just a breakup. You can find someone else. Move on already..” (ugh.)
Some will pretend to know just how you feel.. and will do all they can to make you feel at home (just enough to sell you a book or something.)
Then there are those who have apparently forgotten how painful a breakup is (or they live in denial because they never got over their own..)
But most of all, beware of those who care more about their profit than your happiness.
If you spot a bold claim, such as telling you how to get your ex back “in just 7 days” (or whatever..) then odds are good their advice has little basis in reality. And as with most shortcuts in life, you may only make your situation worse.
Of course, not all paid-for advice is bad. That would be just as naive to believe. There are genuine people who do offer services and products that will help you. And you will find their interests to align with yours more often than not.
Those of us who advise & coach professionally hold an advantage: 1) we are in the trenches — often daily — working with individuals and couples with a wide variety of problems, and 2) we are paid to produce results. This combo naturally leads to resolving relationship conflicts more speedily, frequently, and with higher success rates.
All the same, be cautious.
This is why I’m writing this heartfelt message to you.
One more thing: I want you to know that no matter what words I use here, I KNOW they can not accurately describe the pain you feel. So, I just want to let you know that I get that.
OK. Let’s proceed..
Don’t Follow Your Gut
It is normal after getting “dumped” to go and do something rash, and not consider the consequences. After all, the small rational part of us is no match for our big emotions. And you will be bubbling over with emotions.
In this highly emotional state, your decision making ability will be weakened or impaired. As such, it’s almost impossible not to act hasty in one way or another.
This is precisely what you must guard against (to the best of your ability.)
The misery and pain you’re living with right now is likely testing your limits. For many people in your situation, the desire to undo the pain will be more than you’ll want anything else.
This can cause some to go to extraordinary lengths to do just that. But at what cost?
I’ve witnessed it time and time again. When your focus is wholly and completely on getting your ex back (the perceived solution to stopping the pain,) and that is all you want and can think about..
You risk over stretching. You risk doing exactly opposite of what you should be doing at this delicate time.
The exaggerated belief that you need to do this, and that you need to get him or her back immediately.. is what quickly leads to reaching out and grabbing your ex with both hands, and pleading that they take you back.
This is exactly the wrong approach, and it’s not pretty. But.. I do understand it because I KNOW what drives the behaviour (it is rooted in a powerful and deep state of despair, triggered by the loss of an important connection, which echoes our most earliest vulnerable state as a child.. but this is a topic too heavy to explore right now.)
The point is, we may lose our adult senses, our rational toolset (etc) when experiencing the loss of someone important in our life.
Knowing that may give you an advantage (and perhaps encourage you to explore this topic further — if you’re interested, you might want to read up on “Attachment Hunger” for example.)
To be clear, wanting your relationship back is fine. Probably (we will look at that next.) It’s certainly normal. And plenty of couples reunite and go on to live wonderful lives together.
It’s the way you do it, though, that matters. Matters greatly, in fact. If you act rash, needy, and desperate, then you are operating from the wrong place.
Let’s take our time here. Look at all the angles. Just you and me..
I’m Michael Fulmer by the way. And I appreciate you taking the time to read my words. I hope you will stick around, bookmark the website, and perhaps we’ll even connect more meaningfully some day, email or otherwise..
How to Know You’re Better Off Apart
As I’ve said, many couples reunite. And some work out great. However, not all should. And I know that’s not easy to read right now.
Listen. Whatever happens. You WILL make it through this. Even if you don’t get exactly what you want, you will be fine. Don’t brush that off! Hear me:
You WILL make it through this.
Yes, even if you feel strongly you won’t. Even if you are sure that what you’re feeling right now will stay with you forever.. I promise you, it will pass.
It always does.
So hang tight.
—Aside— of course, there are ways to accelerate the healing process that we’ll get to if I have time, either here or in another article. Now, while TIME alone certainly helps, it may not always be enough, or work quickly enough for you. So being proactive with more deliberate forms of healing is wise.
OK. Let’s tackle a tough line I wrote just now:
“many couples reunite. And some work out great. However, not all should.”
After you break up, before you consider how to get back with your ex, it is wise that you first consider the VALUE of the relationship you’re looking to save (or the relationship you believe is possible after putting in the work.) Both for you and for your ex.
It’s hard to do. Yes. But no less important because of that.
So let me ask you:
Do you honestly feel you are both better off as a couple?
- Do you both have something worth saving found in the other, that you can build a happy future on?;
- Did you both add value to the other (rather than take it away?)
- Can you both work out whatever differences there were, or manage the differences, that lead to the breakup?
I urge you to reflect on this.
What can happen during a relationship is that one or both can transition in some way that sets the two of you on a diverging path.
For example, three big and obvious transitions in life are career, marriage, and children.
But there are many possible causes for a transition to occur, which can lead to either partner in the relationship to undergo a new direction (away from the other.)
It’s also common to date someone who was never compatible with us (perhaps in one of the big three above,) who we secretly hoped to change in time. This is a common mistake as people don’t tend to change. It seldom happens. Certainly not in the way we would like.
If you were to get back with your ex but do so with unaligned hopes and dreams, the relationship will either not last, or be dysfunctional.
It’s not often done or considered, but the first thing to do after a breakup isn’t to figure out the fastest way to get back together. No! It is to decide whether it truly is best to reunite at all (otherwise you should focus on letting it go and moving on..)
For example, if your ex was abusive, or you made their life worse in ways that you can not change, then I urge you to reconsider your goal to be together again.
If you decide or can see that your relationship is better off left in the past? There’s no shame in getting help with the moving on process. Breaking up is one of the worst experiences most people go through.
However, if you discover through contemplation and honesty that your relationship is worth fighting for because you are reasonably sure you both are enhanced as a twosome (or can realistically achieve that result..)
Then we have work to do! So keep reading..
Improve Your Odds with The Right Mindset
How you think, matters.
What you think influences your actions. And your actions lead to the results that you get.
Some people choose to “leave it all to chance,” but that is very unwise.
Instead, I recommend you proceed in a deliberate and considered way.
I’m not a fan of leaving things to chance or going by “gut instinct.” Not when we’re talking about the love of your life and potentially years of YOUR life battling with regret and sadness.
There is no value in sitting around doing nothing after making the decision to save your relationship. Your partner is too important to you. And you’re suffering too much as it is.
So it’s time to take deliberate action.
Now, before we continue. Let’s just be clear:
Nothing is guaranteed here.
I would never tell you or anyone else that you WILL get your ex back, or dare break it down into percentages. That’s foolish. There are no certainties here.
Beware of anyone who tells you that they promise an outcome.
No worries though. Just because we have no guarantees in life, that doesn’t mean we never TRY.
Life is uncertain. Always has been. Always will be.
We humans have very little control over much of it. Over the events.. the people, or over the circumstances.
Having little control is not the same as having NO control ;-)
We DO influence life around us. We are capable of changing some of the things important to us. And only more so when we are deliberate and smart about it.
Which means NOT leaving things to chance..
Sitting around doing nothing is leaving things to chance.
It is only through making smart choices that you will earn the strong position needed for a good chance of reconciliation with your partner. You have to get deliberate about the actions you take.
You have to have a strategy..
This way you GREATLY increase the odds that you’ll get the outcome you prefer. No question about it.
Just like a weighted dice, if you possess the right tools, it’s quite possible to increase your odds of getting back your ex.
Now, we should obviously keep in mind something fundamentally important here about your ex:
The Decision to Save Your Relationship Must Come From Free Will
I’m not kidding.
The only way your ex’s decision to get back with you could have any true meaning is if that decision was made from their own free will.
Besides, we only take serious the decisions we make ourselves. We will defend and fight for our own decisions. We can only truly OWN the decisions that we make for ourselves.
Decisions that other people make for us can easily be rejected. They in no way compare to decisions we come to ourselves.
Now, of course.. it is true that we can help another reach the decision we want them to have. That is fine.
The point is, they’ll own that decision just the same, only we helped them to reach it.
Friends and Family Mean Well, But..
Good intentions don’t equal good advice.
While close friends and family mean well, keep in mind that they are not likely to be skilled in the art and science of relationship conflict and recovery!
We do not learn this at school and most will not study it after.
Ergo, most people just parrot what they’ve heard before. They’ll reel off the classic lines (e.g “plenty more fish in the sea!”) without skipping a beat. And some will push to get you OUT of the pain you are in as quickly as possible (with questionable methods..) yet not back IN to the relationship itself.
Be wary of each person’s self-interest.
So YES, be sure to appreciate good intentions wherever you find them, but be wary of any self-serving “good ideas” that serve someone else rather than you.
And last, always remember that good people may give bad advice when the subject matter is outside their expertise.
How to Get Back Together?
The summary / outline looks like this, typically:
- Take a strategic break, giving you and your ex space to process what has happened;
- Spend the time during this break to work on yourself, to heal, and implement positive changes in your life;
- After sufficient time has passed, initiate a reconnection with your ex (but no attempt to reunite at this stage);
- Next is the fragile phase of reconciliation (the transition from friendly “meet ups” to becoming romantically involved again);
- Last is building the best relationship you both deserve
There are many sub-steps involved in each of the above I’ve outlined. It’s not practical to convey them all — with explanations and examples — in just one page.
Throughout this site, and my daily tips email, I cover much of the process (and link to the parts not yet covered.)
If you want help to get your ex girlfriend back then I invite you to explore that with me, where I’ll share specific steps to get you closer to that goal.
Catering for the other side, I also discuss how to get an ex boyfriend back should you appreciate a guys perspective on the matter.
But maybe hold on a second while I explain:
How to Be an Attractive, Confident, Decent Human Your Ex Can Desire & Want to Be With
Let’s talk a little about human nature. That is: the characteristics that you and I have in common, along with everybody else (human.)
We all share commonalities because of how our species evolved. And the result is that we all have the same “human drivers” that operate inside us, deep down in our core. And they influence us in everything we do.
What kind of things?
One example is attraction.
You would agree I’m sure, that a weak and needy person is unattractive. I’m certain of that because it is human nature (read: common to all) to find desperateness an unattractive quality.
This is not a choice, remember. It is instinctive. Whether you like it or not. Due to how we are wired, that’s the end result..
It’s important we understand that.
Because.. guess how most people react when they’re “dumped?”
And consider this: your ex most likely fell for you in the first place because you were, at least in some respects, a confident and positive person to be around.
You surely demonstrated an array of strengths, which to your ex, compelled them to be with you.
Where most people go wrong at the break up point is this: they become needy and desperate (and that is perfectly natural.)
Problem is, they become the very type of person we’re just not wired to find attractive. In fact, we want to put distance between them and us. Can you see that?
The natural response to a breakup is to fall apart mentally and emotionally, followed by physically. And thus become the desperate shadow of our former self.
That’s the kicker here.
You have to fight your natural reaction to the breakup, to conquer your fear of being alone, and the idea that your ex could start dating someone else.
That’s a lot to fight.
Do you see how your ex holds the power here?
You need to turn the tables and regain composure, or else you might ruin your chance of getting your ex back for good.
This is not so much about helping them to fall in love with you all over again. It is more about removing the bad habits and behavior that has been blocking the attraction.
While it would be great to somehow make your ex WANT you back, instead of wanting you to back off.. you must first address your own problems. And really, when it comes to your ex, it’s not so much what you do as what you don’t do that’s more important in the early stages (damage limitation.)
They say your mind is your worst enemy. Ask any poor unfortunate soul whose partner cheated on them, and they’ll tell you how they are driven mad by the disturbing images or thoughts in their mind.
What kind? The kind where they think of their partner with that other person..
About what they got up to. In all the gory details.
It’s hard to stop your mind because the more you try NOT to think about something, the more you do.
The mind can be cruel. And if you aren’t prepared, it will feel like there’s really nothing you can do about it.
Part of the healing process after a breakup is learning how to cope with the mind and the endless “stinking thinking” that follows.
Otherwise you will struggle to effectively position yourself as someone your ex can want to be with.
Speaking of mind tricks..
You can benefit from gently “planting” seeds into their mind (though really they do it for you.)
Well, when you correctly give your ex space to breathe, and stay just outside their radar, they no longer get any feedback on you. This can work in your favour.
Without input from you, they no longer know how you are, what you’re doing, or what you’re thinking.
Because of this, and it only takes a short while.. your ex may begin to fill in the gaps with their own assumptions. And often, the brain has a habit of inserting ideas worse than reality.
Let’s not kid ourselves here. The mind is cruel. It’ll come up with all manner of ideas and notions, and a large portion of those will be a bit evil. Worse, it’ll play those thoughts on loop more than any other.
- “Why is he not phoning?”
- “Has she found someone else?”
- “What is he up to?!”
- “I bet he’s with such-and-such from work..”
The not knowing bit can really pick away at you.
So what if the only feedback your ex gets is that you appear happy, you’re outgoing, and positive? Remember, if your ex is to get any feedback at all, it is probably better if you give THAT impression instead of one where you mope around and look depressed.
Of course, you’ll want to be careful how you do this. For example, going no contact on your ex can be a sound, recommended step.. but it is easy to overdo it. And if you do, you could fail.
The so-called no contact rule is recommended by most relationship experts, and almost everyone else likes to echo that advice. The problem is that many do not understand the nuances involved. For example, determining the no contact period length, or knowing when it is harmful to ignore a call or text from your ex.
Getting back with your ex is a delicate process, not an event. That’s why it’s good to read this along with other relationship articles. You are preparing yourself.
But also consider this: your situation is unique. This means it would be unreasonable to apply “black and white” answers to your situation, and expect 100% success. Getting step-by-step instructions specific for YOUR situation would naturally be better. If you feel your situation would warrant it, it’s worth looking into.
Getting Back Together: a Recap of Everything Covered
First, be rational — are you a compatible, healthy couple? Could you be? Consider this carefully and you’ll either be more sure and persuasive about undoing the breakup, or you’ll save yourself unnecessary heartache by moving on to the healing and recovery stage sooner.
Second, be alert about how you carry yourself. How you react, and the signals you give off, it all matters. If you resort to the behaviour that feels most natural (you will if you do not exercise awareness,) you’ll probably repel your ex, cementing their decision to break up with you in the first place.
Lastly, be prepared to put in the work, and have patience. It’s probably not going to happen quickly. Get a plan of action, work on yourself, and keep in mind the PROCESS of saving a relationship (that is, it is not something you do in a single moment, but rather achieve over a period of weeks or months, or however long it takes.)
My best wishes to you,