How to Get Your Ex Back — a Frank Letter

Few things in life hit as hard as a breakup.

I’m so sorry to know this is what brings you here today. I would not dare doubt your pain for a second.

Some of the advice given to the recently single is, at best, nonsense. At worst? It’s cruel.

Be careful out there.

Some will grossly underestimate the pain you are dealing with.

Other’s have simply forgotten how painful a breakup is, or live in denial because they never got over their own.

And then there are those who just want to profit off your misery..

They’ll make bold claims how you can get your ex back if you’ll just follow their “little-known” steps (available after you pay, of course.)

They’re not all bad, though. Some people do offer services and products that genuinely help. And you’ll find their interests align with yours, more often than not.

But it’s understandable to feel that many out there are inconsiderate to what you are going through. And their motivation is less than you deserve.

This is why I’m writing this heartfelt message to you.

I want you to know that no matter what words I use here, I KNOW they can not accurately describe the pain you feel. And I just want to slow down and let you know I recognise that. And I’m sorry you’re going through this.

OK. Let’s take a step back.

It’s normal after being “dumped” to do something rash, and not consider the consequences. You are bubbling over with emotions. It’s almost impossible not to be hasty.


This is precisely what you must not do.

I know the misery and pain you’re living with right now is incredibly difficult to live with. And at times, you’ll want to undo this pain more than you’ll want anything else.

This can cause some to go to extraordinary lengths to do just that. But at what cost?

I’ve witnessed it time and time again. When your focus is wholly and completely on getting your ex back, when that is all you want and can think about…

You risk over stretching.

The exaggerated belief that you need to do this, can have you reaching out and grabbing your ex with both hands, and pleading that they take you back.

It’s not pretty. But I can understand it.

It’s not at all a bad thing to want your relationship back. I mean, it’s perfectly normal.

It’s the way you do it, though, that matters. Matters greatly, in fact.

Let’s take our time here. Look at all the angles. Just you and me…

I’m Michael, by the way. And I appreciate you taking the time to read my words.

How to Know You’re Better Off Apart

Many couples reunite. But not all should. And I know that’s not easy to read right now.

Listen. Whatever happens. You WILL make it through this. Don’t brush that off. Hear me:

You WILL make it through this.

Even if you feel strongly you won’t. Even if you are sure that what you’re feeling right now will stay with you forever… I promise you, it will pass.

It always does.

So hang tight.

—Aside— There are ways to accelerate the healing process that we’ll get to. While TIME alone certainly helps, it may not always be enough, or work quickly enough for you.

OK. Let’s tackle a tough line I just wrote:

Many couples reunite. But not all should.


When you go through a breakup, before you consider how to get your ex back, it is important you first consider the VALUE of the relationship you’re trying to save (or the relationship you believe is possible.) Both for you, and for your ex.

It’s hard to do. Yes. But no less important because of that.

So let me ask you:

Do you feel you were both better off as a couple?

Be honest:

  1. did you both have something worth saving, that you can build upon?;
  2. did you both add value to the other (rather than take it away?)

And not just that..

Can you both work out whatever differences there was that lead to the breakup?

I urge you to reflect on this.

What can happen during a relationship is that one or both can transition in some way that sets the two of you on a diverging path.

For example, three big and obvious transitions in life are career, marriage, and children.

But there are many possible causes for a transition to occur, which can lead to either partner in the relationship to undergo a new direction (away from the other.)

It’s also common to date someone who was never compatible with us (perhaps in one of the big three above,) who we secretly hoped to change in time.

That seldom happens, though. People don’t change much.

If you were to get back with your ex but do so with unaligned hopes and dreams, the relationship will either not last, or be dysfunctional.


It’s not often done or considered. But the first thing to do after a breakup isn’t to figure out the fastest way to get back your ex. No. It is to decide whether to fight to reunite or move on (click to get help with this decision.)

If you decide or see that this relationship is better off left in the past, you may want help to find closure. There’s no shame in that. Breakups are one of the worst experiences most people ever go through.

However, if you decide your ex is worth fighting for because you both were enhanced by the relationship, or it is achievable that you would be with some work, keep reading.

Your Ex Back Mindset is Very Important

How you think, matters.

What you think determines what you do.

So you either leave this all to chance, or you choose to proceed in a deliberate and serious way.

I’m not a fan of the former. Not when we’re talking about the love of your life.

It’s no good sitting around doing nothing after you make the decision to get your ex back. They’re too important to you. And you’re suffering too much as it is.

So it’s time to take deliberate action.

Now, before we continue. Let’s just be clear:

Nothing is guaranteed here.

I would never tell you or anyone else that you WILL get your ex back, or dare break it down into percentages. That’s foolish. There are no certainties here.

Beware of anyone who tells you that they promise an outcome.

No worries though. Just because we have no guarantees in life, that doesn’t mean we never TRY.

Life is uncertain. Always has been. Always will be.

We humans have very little control over it. Over the events. The people, or over the circumstances.. all of it.


Having little control is not the same as having NO control 😉

We DO influence life around us. We are capable of changing some of the things important to us. Even more so when we are deliberate and smart about it.

Which means NOT leaving things to chance.

Sitting around doing nothing is leaving things to chance.

Don’t do that.

You have to take control. You have to get deliberate about the actions you take.

You have to have a strategy.

This way you GREATLY increase the odds that you’ll get the outcome you prefer. No question about it.

Just like a weighted dice, if you possess the right tools, it’s quite possible to increase your odds of getting back your ex.

Now, we should obviously keep in mind something fundamentally important here about your ex:

The Decision to Save Your Relationship Must Come From Free Will

I’m not kidding.

The only way the decision of your ex to get back with you could have true meaning is if that decision was their own.

Besides, we only take serious the decisions we make ourselves. We will defend and fight for our own decisions. We can only truly OWN the decisions that we make for ourselves.

Decisions that other people make for us can easily be rejected. They in no way compare to decisions we come to ourselves.

Now, of course.. it is true that we can help another reach the decision we want them to have. That is fine.

The point is, they’ll own that decision just the same, only we helped them to reach it.

How to Get Back Together?

The summary / outline looks like this, typically:

  1. Take a strategic break, giving you and your ex space to process what has happened;
  2. Spend the time during this break to work on yourself, to heal, and implement positive changes in your life;
  3. After sufficient time has passed, initiate a reconnection with your ex (but no attempt to reunite at this stage);
  4. The fragile phase of reconciliation (the transition from friendly “meet ups” to becoming romantically involved again;
  5. Building the best relationship you both deserve

There are many steps involved in each of the above I’ve outlined. It’s not practical to convey them all — with explanations and examples — in just one page.


Throughout this site, and my daily tips email, I cover much of the process (and link to the parts not yet covered.)


There’s a basic primer for guys wanting their girl back for starters.

Whereas, ladies can get a man’s POV on winning back their ex boyfriend.

But maybe hold on a second while I explain:

How to Be an Attractive, Confident, Decent Human Your Ex Can Desire and Want to Be With

Let’s talk a little about human nature. That is: the characteristics that you and I have in common, along with everybody else (human.)

We all share commonalities because of how our species evolved. And the result is that we all have the same “human drivers” that operate inside us, deep down in our core. They influence us in everything we do.

What kind of things?

One example is attraction.

You would agree I’m sure, that a weak and needy person is unattractive. I’m certain of that because it is human nature and common in us all to find desperateness an unattractive quality.

This is not a choice, remember. It is instinctive. Whether you like it or not. Due to how we are wired, that’s the end result…

It’s important we understand that.

Because… guess how most people react when they’re “dumped?”



And consider this: your ex most likely fell for you in the first place because you were, at least in some respects, a confident and positive person to be around.

You surely demonstrated an array of strengths, which to your ex, compelled them to be with you.

Where most people go wrong at the breakup point is this: they become needy and desperate (and that is perfectly natural.)

Problem is, they become the very type of person we’re just not wired to find attractive. In fact, we want to put distance between them and us. Can you see that?

The natural response to a breakup is to fall apart mentally and emotionally, followed by physically. And thus become the desperate shadow of our former self.

That’s the kicker here.

You have to fight your natural reaction to the breakup, to conquer your fear of being alone, and the idea of your ex finding someone else.

That’s a lot to fight.

Do you see how your ex holds the power here?

You need to turn the tables and regain composure, or else you might ruin your chance of getting your ex back for good.

While it would be great to somehow make your ex WANT you back, instead of wanting you to back off… you must first address your own problems. And really, when it comes to your ex, it’s not so much what you do as what you don’t do that’s more important in the early stages (damage limitation.)

Mind Tricks

They say your mind is your worst enemy. Ask any poor unfortunate soul whose partner cheated on them, and they’ll tell you how they are driven mad by the disturbing images or thoughts in their mind.

What kind? The kind where they think of their partner with that other person…

About what they got up to. In all the gory details.

It’s hard to stop your mind because the more you try NOT to think about something, the more you do.

The mind can be cruel. And if you aren’t prepared, it will feel like there’s really nothing you can do about it.

Part of the healing process after a breakup is learning how to cope with the mind and the endless “stinking thinking” that follows.

Otherwise you will struggle to effectively position yourself as someone your ex can want to be with.

Speaking of mind tricks…

You can benefit from gently “planting” seeds into their mind (though really they do it for you.)


Well, when you correctly give your ex space to breathe, and stay just outside their radar, they no longer get any feedback on you. This can work in your favour.

Without input from you, they no longer know how you are, what you’re doing, or what you’re thinking.

Because of this, and it only takes a short while… your ex may begin to fill in the gaps with their own assumptions. And often, the brain has a habit of inserting ideas worse than reality.

Let’s not kid ourselves here. The mind is cruel. It’ll come up with all manner of ideas and notions, and a large portion of those will be a bit evil. Worse, it’ll play those thoughts on loop more than any other.

For example:

  • “Why is he not phoning?”
  • “Has she found someone else?”
  • “What is he up to?!”
  • “I bet he’s with such-and-such from work..”

The not knowing bit can really pick away at you.

And what if the only feedback your ex gets is that you appear happy, you’re outgoing, and positive? Remember, if your ex is to get any feedback at all, it is probably better if you give THAT impression instead of one where you mope around and look depressed.

Of course, you’ll want to be careful how you do this. For example, going no contact on your ex is a sound, recommended step… but it is easy to overdo it. And if you do, you could fail.

Getting back with your ex is a delicate process, not an event. That’s why it’s good to read this along with other ex back articles found here. You are preparing yourself.

But also consider this: your situation is unique. This means it would be unreasonable to apply “black and white” answers to your situation, and expect 100% success. Getting step-by-step instructions specific for YOUR situation would naturally be better. If you feel your situation would warrant it, it’s worth looking into (e.g email coaching)

How to Get Them Back: a Recap of Everything Covered

First, be rational — are you a compatible, healthy couple? Could you be? Consider this carefully and you’ll either be more sure and persuasive about undoing of the breakup, or you’ll save yourself unnecessary heartache by moving on to the healing and recovery stage quicker.

Second, be alert about how you carry yourself. How you react, and what signals you give off, it all matters. If you resort to the behaviour that feels most natural (you will if you do not exercise awareness,) you’ll probably repel your ex, cementing their decision to breakup with you in the first place.

Lastly, be prepared to put in the work, and have patience. It’s probably not going to happen quickly. Get a plan of action, work on yourself, and keep in mind the PROCESS of saving a relationship (that is, it is not something you do in a single moment, but rather achieve over a period of weeks or as long as it takes.)

My best wishes to you,

Michael Fulmer

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My girlfriend and I broke up last week. I followed your instructions and we are back together — Erick Nelson

Prefer personal guidance? I offer coaching (both monthly and one-off coaching “shots” for quick answers to your questions.) One-on-one consulting is the ultimate way to navigate this difficult time.

About the author: I’m a relationship coach with a focus on breakup recovery. I’ve been doing this for 13 years, helping thousands of people worldwide. I created the Breakup Dojo, a popular resource with over 1,000 members. I’ve authored several in-demand breakup recovery products, drawing from my deep fascination with psychology. I also publish the “Ex-Communication” newsletter, providing over 10,000 subscribers worldwide with actionable advice.