a quick and dirty guide to using each other’s needs for mutual fulfilment

do you want to patch things up with your ex or partner and do so in a way that meets the needs of both?

read on.

first, what do ~you~ need?

what do you need in this relationship to feel content and fulfilled? you may as well get clear about this otherwise you will be barking up the wrong tree.

now, identifying your needs is a bunch of sitting on your butt work. no way around it. so to get good answers you need to get comfortable and do “thinking work.”

or, another way…

you can go for long walks.

yeah, some people prefer stillness for thinking things through, but some prefer motion.

and, if you can walk someplace secluded, even better. well, that’s my experience. if i can talk things through to myself without fear of being heard, even better. it helps the ideas to flow.

either way, explore it.

so, what kind of needs are we talking here?

big picture stuff would be how some need plenty of reassurance and attention. you know, to be told or shown they’re loved and valued. through words, actions, or both.

it’s a need because these types get anxious if left to their own thoughts for too long.

a clear emotional need…

whereas, some are the opposite and prefer having space to pursue their goals/interests. they’ll find lots of reassurance overbearing.

different needs.

neither is right or wrong. just different. the point is to know thyself.

of course, the above is just one example.

what about you?

what needs do ~you~ have?

it’s wise to get clear on what you need in a relationship. then you can think about your partner and what ~they~ need.

speaking of which…

what do they need?

once you know what you need, you can shift your focus to your ex (good for winning them back) or your partner. so, how do their needs compare to yours? any big ones that stand out? it might be time to go for another walk and think it through. or you can sit and meditate it out. whatever works to build a picture of their needs.

maybe you identify they need more attention than you…

or less attention (some complain of feeling stifled.)

again, this isn’t about right or wrong, better or worse. just the ~reality~ of a persons’ needs.

so you can ~work~ with this reality rather than pretend it doesn’t exist.

for example, if you see that your sweet feels sad or unappreciated if you don’t express love in a while? you can correct that accordingly.

so, take the time to think about their needs.

make a list, even.

tip: next to each one write an ~action~ step you can take to meet that need.

be smart about how you cater for both

when you have a handle on the needs of both, you’re ready to accommodate or compromise as necessary. standard stuff, really, as relationships are about compromise and respect.

now, when you know what your partner wants or needs, you can just go ahead and fulfil those needs. no need to announce it. talk is cheap.

for example, if you know they need more hugs, just give more hugs. don’t say you will do it. or why.

or if your partner likes to know when you’ll be home at night, keep them posted. literally tell them, “hey, i’m about 30 minutes away xxx.”


however, you ~will~ have to ~talk~ about ~your~ needs. there’s no way around that. you can’t assume they’ll know.

so, on that?

it’s just a conversation. you’re not trying to win an argument; you’re trying to build understanding.

the classic strategy here is to express your needs without attacking the other person, by using “i” statements.

so, you wouldn’t say, “hey, you never appreciate my efforts. I need to feel appreciated!” instead, you’d say, “hey, for whatever reason, i tend to feel unappreciated when my efforts aren’t acknowledged. yeah, i know… maybe you can help me here?”

basically, you want to make your emotional needs known without making it a big deal or getting into the blame game.

key takeaways

it’s not complicated when you break it down —

  1. get real about what you need from your partner.
  2. then have a go at identifying their needs.
  3. look at how you can fulfil their needs, one by one. and do it.
  4. tell them about what ~you~ need, in a laid-back fashion, without waging war.

and honestly, if you both want this to work, then you will both be open to giving it a go.

so there you have it. that’s the quick and dirty guide to addressing and accommodating needs in a relationship.

Warning: Do Not Try to Get Your Ex Back Until AFTER You Use This Free Tool…

I’ve made a free “thing” that gives you “ah ha!” tailored next step instructions to help get your ex back.

No email required.

Hey. It’s not fancy. But based on your situation, you’ll be presented with a “prescription” of what to do next.

Click 👇 to try it:

See What You Think!

About the author: i’m a relationship coach specialising in breakup recovery. i’ve been doing this for 12+ years helping thousands worldwide. i created the Breakup Dojo, a popular program with over 1,000 members. i’ve authored several in-demand breakup recovery products, drawing from my deep fascination with psychology. i also publish the “ex-communication” newsletter that’s packed with actionable advice to over 10,000 subscribers worldwide.