How to Get Your Ex Back: a Frank Letter

Few things in life hit as hard as a breakup.

I'm so sorry to know this is what brings you here today. I would not dare doubt your pain for a second.

Some of the advice given to the recently single is, at best, nonsense. At worst? It's cruel.

Be careful out there.

Some will grossly underestimate the pain you are dealing with.

Others have simply forgotten how painful a breakup is, or live in denial because they never got over their own.

And then there are those who just want to profit off your misery...

They'll make bold claims about how you can get your ex back if you'll just follow their "secret" steps (available after you pay, of course.)

They're not all bad, though. Some people do offer services and products that genuinely help. And you'll find their interests align with yours, more often than not.

But it's understandable to feel that many out there are inconsiderate to what you are going through. And their motivation is less than you deserve.

This is why I'm writing this heartfelt message to you.

I want you to know that no matter what words I use here, I KNOW they cannot accurately describe the pain you feel. And I just want to slow down and let you know I recognize that. And I'm sorry you're going through this.

I'm Michael, by the way. And I appreciate you taking the time to read my words.

Here's What Most People Get Wrong

It's normal after being "dumped" to do something rash, and not consider the consequences. You are bubbling over with emotions. It's almost impossible not to be hasty.

However?

This is precisely what you must not do.

I know the misery and pain you're living with right now is incredibly difficult to live with. And at times, you'll want to undo this pain more than you'll want anything else.

This can cause some to go to extraordinary lengths to do just that. But at what cost?

I've witnessed it time and time again. When your focus is wholly and completely on getting your ex back, when that is all you want and can think about...

You risk overreaching.

You've probably already tried showing more love, pouring your heart out, promising to change. And it only made things worse.

Here's why:

Your ex didn't leave because you didn't love them enough.

They left because staying damaged their pride.

And here's the brutal truth: Logic, reasoning, and emotional appeals can't overcome pride-based decisions. They actually make things worse.

The exaggerated belief that you need to fix this immediately can have you reaching out and grabbing your ex with both hands, pleading that they take you back.

It's not pretty. But I can understand it.

It's not at all a bad thing to want your relationship back. I mean, it's perfectly normal.

It's the way you do it, though, that matters. Matters greatly, in fact.

Let's take our time here. Look at all the angles. Just you and me...

How to Know You're Better Off Apart

Many couples reunite. But not all should. And I know that's not easy to read right now.

Listen. Whatever happens. You WILL make it through this. Don't brush that off. Hear me:

You WILL make it through this.

Even if you feel strongly you won't. Even if you are sure that what you're feeling right now will stay with you forever... I promise you, it will pass.

It always does.

So hang tight.

—Aside— There are ways to accelerate the healing process that we'll get to. While TIME alone certainly helps, it may not always be enough, or work quickly enough for you.

OK. Let's tackle that tough line I just wrote:

Many couples reunite. But not all should.

See...

When you go through a breakup, before you consider how to get your ex back, it is important you first consider the VALUE of the relationship you're trying to save (or the relationship you believe is possible.) Both for you, and for your ex.

It's hard to do. Yes. But no less important because of that.

So let me ask you:

Do you feel you were both better off as a couple?

Be honest:

1. Did you both have something worth saving, that you can build upon?
2. Did you both add value to the other (rather than take it away?)

And not just that...

Can you both work out whatever differences there were that led to the breakup?

I urge you to reflect on this.

What can happen during a relationship is that one or both can transition in some way that sets the two of you on a diverging path.

For example, three big and obvious transitions in life are career, marriage, and children.

But there are many possible causes for a transition to occur, which can lead to either partner in the relationship to undergo a new direction (away from the other.)

It's also common to date someone who was never compatible with us (perhaps in one of the big three above,) who we secretly hoped to change in time.

That seldom happens, though. People don't change much.

If you were to get back with your ex but do so with unaligned hopes and dreams, the relationship will either not last, or be dysfunctional.

So...

It's not often done or considered. But the first thing to do after a breakup isn't to figure out the fastest way to get back your ex. No. It is to decide whether to fight to reunite or move on (click to get help with this decision.)

If you decide or see that this relationship is better off left in the past, you may want help to get over it. There's no shame in that. Breakups are one of the worst experiences most people ever go through.

However, if you decide your ex is worth fighting for because you both were enhanced by the relationship, or it is achievable that you would be with some work, keep reading.

Your Mindset Matters

How you think, matters.

What you think determines what you do.

So you either leave this all to chance, or you choose to proceed in a deliberate and serious way.

I'm not a fan of the former. Not when we're talking about the love of your life.

It's no good sitting around doing nothing after you make the decision to get your ex back. They're too important to you. And you're suffering too much as it is.

So it's time to take deliberate action.

Now, before we continue. Let's just be clear:

Nothing is guaranteed here.

I would never tell you or anyone else that you WILL get your ex back, or dare break it down into percentages. That's foolish. There are no certainties here.

Beware of anyone who tells you that they promise an outcome.

No worries though. Just because we have no guarantees in life, that doesn't mean we never TRY.

Life is uncertain. Always has been. Always will be.

We humans have very little control over it. Over the events. The people, or over the circumstances... all of it.

However?

Having little control is not the same as having NO control ;-)

We DO influence life around us. We are capable of changing some of the things important to us. Even more so when we are deliberate and smart about it.

Which means NOT leaving things to chance.

Sitting around doing nothing is leaving things to chance.

Don't do that.

You have to take control. You have to get deliberate about the actions you take.

You have to have a strategy.

This way you GREATLY increase the odds that you'll get the outcome you prefer. No question about it.

Just like a weighted dice, if you possess the right tools, it's quite possible to increase your odds of getting back your ex.

Now, we should obviously keep in mind something fundamentally important here about your ex:

The Decision to Save Your Relationship Must Come From Free Will

I'm not kidding.

The only way the decision of your ex to get back with you could have true meaning is if that decision was their own.

Besides, we only take serious the decisions we make ourselves. We will defend and fight for our own decisions. We can only truly OWN the decisions that we make for ourselves.

Decisions that other people make for us can easily be rejected. They in no way compare to decisions we come to ourselves.

Now, of course... it is true that we can help another reach the decision we want them to have. That is fine.

The point is, they'll own that decision just the same, only we helped them to reach it.

The Six-Stage Framework

Getting your ex back is about clarity and strategy. The main technique is keeping things straightforward. A good plan in six steps will work better than a complex strategy with a hundred. Don't overcomplicate it.

Most people fail because they skip stages or rush through them. Don't do that.

Follow this framework in order. Each stage builds on the last.

Here's what the complete process looks like:

1. Step Back – Stop all contact to give you and your ex space to process the fallout.
2. Rebuild Yourself – Focus on genuine self-improvement while you heal.
3. Clarity Check – Honestly evaluate if getting back together makes sense. Not all exes should reunite. It is okay to move on.
4. Reopen Contact – If you want to reunite, reconnect strategically without pressure.
5. Clarity Conversation – If it makes sense reconcile, have honest discussions about trying again when the time is right.
6. Start Fresh – Build a new relationship or move forward stronger than before.

Let's break down each stage:

Stage 1: Step Back — Give Them Space

What it means: Stop all contact with your ex. No calls, texts, or social media stalking. This is the no contact rule.

Why it works: When someone breaks up with you, they expect you to chase. They expect desperation. Anything they expect from you right now will fail.

Space does three things:

1. Reduces emotional pressure
2. Lets them miss you
3. Protects your dignity

You can't rebuild attraction while you're clinging. Distance creates curiosity.

How long: Depends on your relationship length and breakup severity. Use the no contact calculator to find your exact timeline. Usually 3-8 weeks minimum.

Your main job: Don't chase. Don't explain. Don't apologize repeatedly. Just disappear with dignity.

What if they contact you? You can respond—but keep it light, brief, and pride-safe. No heavy conversations yet.

→ Read Stage 1: Step Back

Stage 2: Rebuild Yourself — Heal and Improve

What it means: Focus entirely on improving yourself. Hit the gym. Learn skills. Spend time with friends. Become genuinely better.

Why it works: Your ex left a certain version of you. They won't come back to that same person. You need to become someone they never saw coming.

Consider this: your ex most likely fell for you in the first place because you were, at least in some respects, a confident and positive person to be around.

You surely demonstrated an array of strengths, which to your ex, compelled them to be with you.

Where most people go wrong at the breakup point is this: they become needy and desperate (and that is perfectly natural.)

Problem is, they become the very type of person we're just not wired to find attractive. In fact, we want to put distance between them and us. Can you see that?

The natural response to a breakup is to fall apart mentally and emotionally, followed by physically. And thus become the desperate shadow of our former self.

That's the kicker here.

You have to fight your natural reaction to the breakup, to conquer your fear of being alone, and the idea of your ex finding someone else.

That's a lot to fight.

Do you see how your ex holds the power here?

You need to turn the tables and regain composure, or else you might ruin your chance of getting your ex back for good.

How long: This never stops. But you need 4-8 weeks minimum before considering contact.

Your main job:

• Build confidence
• Fix what was broken (in yourself, not the relationship)
• Become someone your ex would be proud to date again
• Get obsessed with how to heal from heartbreak, not with what your ex is up to

The mindset shift: Stop asking "How do I get them back?" Start asking "How do I become someone worth coming back to?"

→ Read Stage 2: Rebuild Yourself

Stage 3: Clarity Check — Decide If It's Worth It

What it means: Honestly evaluate if getting back together makes sense. Not all exes should reunite.

Why it matters: You might realize you don't actually want them back. Or you might see serious obstacles you need to address first.

Key questions to ask yourself:

• Was the relationship actually good?
• Can you fix what broke you up?
• Do you both add value to each other's lives?
• Are you chasing them or chasing the idea of them?

Your main job: Be brutally honest. Don't romanticize the past. Decide if you're moving forward or moving on.

The hard truth: Some relationships end for good reason. If yours was toxic, incompatible, or one-sided—moving on might be the stronger choice.

→ Read Stage 3: Clarity Check

Stage 4: Reopen Contact — Start the Dance

What it means: Start communication again. Slowly. Strategically. Learn what to text after no contact and use clear boundaries.

Why it's tricky: One wrong text can undo weeks of progress. You need to rebuild attraction without triggering defensiveness.

Getting back with your ex is a delicate process, not an event. That's why it's good to read this along with other ex back articles found here. You are preparing yourself.

The approach:

• Start light and positive
• No pressure or expectations
• Build slowly from casual to meaningful
• Read their responses carefully

The principle: Every interaction should make your ex feel good. Not guilty. Not pressured. Just... good.

Your main job: Create positive interactions. Make them feel good about talking to you. Don't rush intimacy. A text is less pussy than a call. Build up slowly.

What not to do:

• Don't dump emotions
• Don't ask "where we stand"
• Don't bring up the breakup
• Don't be needy or desperate

What to do instead:

• Be light and fun
• Show (don't tell) that you've changed
• Leave conversations first
• Create curiosity, not closure

→ Read Stage 4: Reopen Contact

Stage 5: Clarity Conversation — Express Your Intentions

What it means: When the time is right, have an honest conversation about what you both want.

When to do it: Only after you've rebuilt connection. Only when they're responding warmly. Usually weeks or months into Stage 4.

What to say: Express your feelings clearly. No games. No manipulation. Just honest communication about trying again. Tell them what you want.

Your main job: Be direct but not desperate. Accept their answer with dignity. Don't beg or argue.

The setup: By the time you reach this stage, they should already be leaning in. This conversation should feel natural, not forced.

Two possible outcomes:

1. They want to try again → Move to Stage 6
2. They're not ready or not interested → Exit with dignity

Either way, you've handled this like someone worth coming back to.

→ Read Stage 5: Clarity Conversation

Stage 6: Start Fresh — Build Something New

What it means: If you reunite, build a new relationship. Don't replay the old one. Create something better.

Two paths:

• Path A: You get back together and create something better
• Path B: You move on with clarity and confidence

Either way: You've grown. You've handled this with dignity. You're stronger than when you started.

Your main job: Don't fall back into old patterns. Keep the lessons you learned. Stay true to who you've become.

The non-negotiable: If you get back together, it must be on new terms. You're not returning to the relationship that failed. You're starting something better.

→ Read Stage 6: Start Fresh

How to Be Attractive and Confident Again

Let's talk a little about human nature. That is: the characteristics that you and I have in common, along with everybody else (human.)

We all share commonalities because of how our species evolved. And the result is that we all have the same "human drivers" that operate inside us, deep down in our core. They influence us in everything we do.

What kind of things?

One example is attraction.

You would agree I'm sure, that a weak and needy person is unattractive. I'm certain of that because it is human nature and common in us all to find desperateness an unattractive quality.

This is not a choice, remember. It is instinctive. Whether you like it or not. Due to how we are wired, that's the end result...

It's important we understand that.

Humans share common traits. We're wired similarly. Desperation repels. Confidence attracts.

Your ex fell for your strengths. Show them again. Fight your urge to fall apart. Regain your power.

The goal isn't to "trick" your ex. It's to become genuinely attractive again—to them and to yourself.

Mind Tricks (Or: How Space Works in Your Favor)

They say your mind is your worst enemy. Ask any poor unfortunate soul whose partner cheated on them, and they'll tell you how they are driven mad by the disturbing images or thoughts in their mind.

What kind? The kind where they think of their partner with that other person...

About what they got up to. In all the gory details.

It's hard to stop your mind because the more you try NOT to think about something, the more you do.

The mind can be cruel. And if you aren't prepared, it will feel like there's really nothing you can do about it.

Part of the healing process after a breakup is learning how to cope with the mind and the endless "stinking thinking" that follows.

Otherwise you will struggle to effectively position yourself as someone your ex can want to be with.

Speaking of mind tricks...

You can benefit from gently "planting" seeds into their mind (though really they do it for you.)

How?

Well, when you correctly give your ex space to breathe, and stay just outside their radar, they no longer get any feedback on you. This can work in your favor.

Without input from you, they no longer know how you are, what you're doing, or what you're thinking.

Because of this, and it only takes a short while... your ex may begin to fill in the gaps with their own assumptions. And often, the brain has a habit of inserting ideas worse than reality.

Let's not kid ourselves here. The mind is cruel. It'll come up with all manner of ideas and notions, and a large portion of those will be a bit evil. Worse, it'll play those thoughts on loop more than any other.

For example:

• "Why is he not phoning?"
• "Has she found someone else?"
• "What is he up to?!"
• "I bet he's with such-and-such from work..."

The not knowing bit can really pick away at you.

And what if the only feedback your ex gets is that you appear happy, you're outgoing, and positive? Remember, if your ex is to get any feedback at all, it is probably better if you give THAT impression instead of one where you mope around and look depressed.

Of course, you'll want to be careful how you do this. For example, going no contact on your ex is a sound, recommended step... but it is easy to overdo it. And if you do, you could fail.

The Pride Principle: Why This All Works

Most "get your ex back" advice fails because it ignores pride.

They tell you to chase or not chase, show love or show indifference... but these surface tactics miss the deeper truth:

Every relationship decision is fundamentally about pride.

When someone leaves a relationship, it's almost always because staying has become too damaging to their pride.

And here's the breakthrough: No one dates someone they're ashamed of. And no one stays away from someone they're proud to be with.

That's why this framework works. Every stage is designed to:

• Protect your pride
• Protect their pride
• Rebuild mutual respect

When both people feel good about themselves in the dynamic, reconnection happens naturally.

Protecting pride isn't just important—it's everything.

Remember This

Your ex must choose to return. Force never works. We defend our own choices. Not others' choices for us.

You can help guide their decision. But it must be theirs.

That's it. You just learned the complete plan for getting your ex back. Now use it. Remember, nothing is guaranteed. But this approach beats leaving things to chance.

Don't sit around doing nothing. Take control. Be deliberate about your actions. You have more influence than you think.

If you want your ex back, follow this plan. It's simple, clear, and effective. Now go make it happen.

Start with Stage 1. Read it completely. Implement it fully. The immediate first steps guide will help you begin.

Want the Complete System?

This plan gives you the framework. But getting your ex back isn't just about knowing what to do—it's about becoming someone who's UNFAZED by the breakup.

Someone who operates from genuine power, not desperation.

Someone your ex never saw coming.

But also consider this: your situation is unique. This means it would be unreasonable to apply "black and white" answers to your situation, and expect 100% success. Getting deeper guidance specific for YOUR situation would naturally be better.

That's what UNFAZED delivers:

• The complete psychology behind every stage
• Daily guidance that transforms who you are
• Advanced tactics for specific situations (living together, co-parenting, mutual friends, etc.)
• The "Just Friends" escape plan
• Tools to break free from negative thinking
• Everything you need to become truly UNFAZED

Investment: $59 one-time. Lifetime access.

→ Get UNFAZED

Situation-Specific Playbooks

This plan covers the universal strategy. For situation-specific guidance, explore these playbooks:

• How to Re-Attract Your Ex – Rebuild desire and emotional connection
• After Being Needy (Him) or After Being Needy (Her) – If clinginess caused the breakup
• When He's Moved On or When She's Moved On – If they're dating someone new
• Get Your Husband Back or Get Your Wife Back – Marriage-specific strategies

Browse all playbooks →

Frequently Asked Questions

Can I really get my ex back?

Many couples do successfully reunite after a breakup. But it requires the right approach—one that protects pride, rebuilds attraction, and addresses what actually went wrong.

The real question isn't "Can I?" It's "Should I?" and "Am I willing to do the work?"

How long does the process take?

The timeline varies depending on your specific circumstances. Some see results in weeks, while others may take months. The important thing is to focus on personal growth throughout the process.

Don't rush. Don't skip stages. Trust the process.

What if my ex is already dating someone else?

This complicates things but doesn't make reunion impossible. You'll need to follow the same framework, but with more patience and stronger boundaries.

Pick your path:

• For women: Here's what to do when he has moved on
• For men: Here's what to do when she has moved on

What if we're living together or co-parenting?

These situations require modified strategies. You can't do "no contact" in the traditional sense, but you can do "no initiating contact" and maintain emotional boundaries.

See Stage 4 for situation-specific protocols.

Should I use this if I was the one who ended it?

Yes, but the dynamics are different. You'll need to own your decision, give them space to process, and then rebuild trust carefully.

The Pride Principle still applies—you damaged their pride by leaving. You need to restore it.

How to Get Them Back: A Recap

First, be rational — are you a compatible, healthy couple? Could you be? Consider this carefully and you'll either be more sure and persuasive about undoing the breakup, or you'll save yourself unnecessary heartache by moving on to the healing and recovery stage quicker.

Second, be alert about how you carry yourself. How you react, and what signals you give off, it all matters. If you resort to the behavior that feels most natural (you will if you do not exercise awareness,) you'll probably repel your ex, cementing their decision to break up with you in the first place.

Lastly, be prepared to put in the work, and have patience. It's probably not going to happen quickly. Get a plan of action, work on yourself, and keep in mind the PROCESS of saving a relationship (that is, it is not something you do in a single moment, but rather achieve over a period of weeks or as long as it takes.)

Remember: Your ex's feelings about you aren't fixed. They can change. But only when they see someone different on the other side of the breakup.

My best wishes to you,

Michael Fulmer

About Michael Fulmer

Michael is a relationship coach and breakup recovery expert with over 14 years of experience. Since founding Undo A Breakup in 2011, he has helped thousands of clients heal from heartbreak and make better decisions with exes.

Trained in Gottman Method Couples Therapy (Level 1 & 2), with a background in psychology and communication, Michael brings a scientific, evidence-based approach to his coaching. His specialty is reversing breakups—both the pain of a breakup and, where sensible, the relationship itself.

Learn more about Michael →