They say “absence makes the heart grow fonder.” Which is certainly one of the more popular reasons to go NC (no contact) on your ex.
If you’ve ever wondered if you can get your ex back after no contact, wonder no more: NC is an effective — and often crucial — part of the relationship recovery process.
There’s a caveat.
In this article we will look at what that caveat is, recap what we’re doing here, and talk about what to do after no contact in order to get back with your lover.
Let’s begin with a recap of what NC is and why it’s done (hint: pick your WHY carefully, the wrong why can kill your chances for good.)
What is No Contact + Considerations
“No contact” simply means taking a strategic break from your ex for a calculated period of time. That’s the short version.
And on the surface, it is a simple process.
You literally hold back on contacting your ex via any medium (belly-to-belly, text, social media, email, etc.)
Life is complex though. And it may not be possible to commit to 100% radio-silence (e.g you might live together.)
You also risk making matters worse if your ex believes you are doing this as some kind of game or tactic that you read online.
No one wants to be manipulated.
Psst: Could NC ruin your chances? Yes. It is possible. If you want to learn more then click here →
In general though, stepping back is the smart way to go.
Sure, it isn’t magic. And there’s certainly no mystery about what is happening when you do it (though perhaps more to it than many realise.)
But it is effective.
Whether YOU will have success or not with your ex after going no-contact depends on your situation, and on what happened between you both.
Though to a larger degree?
Your chances do hinge on the choices you’re about to make, and the steps you take next.
Now, while there are a slew of factors to consider in this post-breakup stage, and it is impractical to prepare for them all?
A period of no contact is almost certainly the recommended first step.
So while some relationships can never be repaired (nor should be,) the ones that are almost always followed by a retreat of some kind.
Now let’s look at why…
6 Reasons to Go No Contact
There are many upsides to a strategic retreat.
Here are 6:
- It allows you to heal, to cool down, and to compose yourself. This is super important. Easily one of the best reasons.
- It creates a void for your ex to miss you, to wonder what you’re up to, and for curiosity to play-out as it often does. This isn’t the most important reason (by far) though undeniably a nice side benefit.
- It’s damage control; no contact means no bad words spoken, no arguments, and no planting “reasons to hate you” seeds in your exes head. This reason alone makes it a no-brainer to give your ex space.
- It gives you space to get organised, to correct bad habits, and to find and action an effective plan. Mega important! What you DO and SAY after your no contact duration ends will directly affect your chances of saving your relationship. And WHO YOU ARE (how you changed through this away time) is what can seal the deal or put an end to things for good.
- It puts the power back in your hands, which you invariably lost at the break up point. How? Because you choose to retreat and take time out to consider your options when you do no contact correctly. And that is a demonstration of power.
- It just might COMPEL your ex to make contact with you first. This isn’t a big reason to go NC, but just like reason #2.. it’s a nice benefit if it happens.
There’s a lot we can discuss, at length I’d imagine.. just from the 6 points above. But for now, I feel it especially relevant that you heed point number 4: that is, “to get organised, to correct bad habits, and to find and action an effective plan.”
In fact, reasons #1, #3, #4 are the most important reasons by far.
Let me know give you caveat to all of this…
Caution: History Repeats Itself
Imagine you get back with your ex. Perhaps for no other reason than because couples reunite “all the time.”
Sure, so long as you put in the necessary effort to first remove the habits and tendencies that lead to the break-up in the first place.
And sadly, many don’t do this.
If you are not careful, you risk repeating easy-to-avoid mistakes that will turn your relationship sour.
Just as with all areas of life, if you do not learn from the past then it is probably going to repeat on you.
That means the exact kind of mistakes that lost you your ex in the first place will happen again!
And after all the pain you’ve been through, plus the effort to get back together… can you imagine how disheartening that would be?
This is why at the beginning of this article I said that no contact was “part of the relationship recovery process…” because — and this is my caution to you today — by itself, it is unlikely to be enough to get your ex back…
But further? Even when it is, you still run the risk of re-entering a relationship that is doomed to fail all over again if you don’t change anything meaningful.
And what’s worse than breaking up? Breaking up twice.
To put it simply, you broke up for a reason. And you must understand that no matter what steps you take next to get your ex back, if the original reason for the break-up remains unresolved?..
Your relationship is toast.
Maybe not right away. Who knows? But it’s fair to say it’ll only be a matter of time.
And that, I’m sure you’ll agree, would be awful.
So please don’t take any short cuts here.
The mistake I see all too often is the heartbroken guy or girl, having become obsessed with winning back their ex, turn BLIND to all the reasons they were dumped in the first place.
Don’t let that be you.
The pain you’re experiencing right now is bad enough. You really don’t want to go through all this effort to win back your ex after NC, only to lose them all over again because you both failed to resolve the bottom-line cause.
OK. That’s enough “squeezing lemons.”
Fix the Problem to Repair the Breakup
Sometimes resolving the original cause of the breakup IS the route to getting your ex back.
If it’s not obvious to you now, go spend some time to figure out why you both broke up in the first place.
Hint: the first thing that comes to mind may not be “it” but write it down on paper nonetheless. Then see what else comes to mind. And write those down as well. Once you have a few ideas, dig deeper into each one, and you might find a root cause that explains a few of the surface issues you identified.
Now, once you isolate the problem — or problems — you must ask yourself honestly:
- “Can I resolve this problem?” — sometimes it may not be possible, in which case you may have to agree to disagree (learn to live with the problem,) or accept “what is” and move on. This isn’t easy. You will be biased toward fixing things and may not see things clearly. Watch out for that.
- “Am I prepared to resolve this problem?” — if you can resolve the problem, that does not mean you’re willing to. So you must be honest with yourself. Some times the fix is simple, for example it might be a silly habit you need to lose, or even a new habit you need to form. But if it isn’t simple.. what then? You need to be honest about this.
All of the above hinges on 2 things: that you can correctly determine why you were “dumped” in the first place, and that the reason is something within your power to resolve (and that you want to.)
When we lose the one we love, we are thrown into chaos. The emotional pain of losing our ex, and those dark thoughts that we may never be with them again, or that someone else will take our place.. they’re relentless.
And annoyingly? Quite normal.
Yet sadly, it is right at this most difficult time in your life that you need most to gather strength and take control.
Every little word you say, and every action you take, can make the difference between a blissful “make up,” or losing your ex for good.
I strongly advise you to take full advantage of this “no contact” period to get your head clear, and improve yourself in the areas that matter most.
Do this well, and you will be positioned as strongly as you can be to make the changes you identified earlier.
Going no contact after a break-up is really about giving yourself the opportunity to regroup and make peace with the way things are.
This is your time to adjust and prepare for the next phase of your life.
Don’t rush it.
If your ex is someone who is very special to you, someone who gave your life meaning and direction, then I’m sure you will be more than willing to dig deep and do all that is within your power to be together again.
It’s amazing what we can do when there’s so much at stake. We just need to ensure we don’t let our emotions take us off track. And they will do that if you’re not on the ball.
If in doubt, don’t follow your emotions! Certainly not blindly. They’re not a good guide, and can lead you down a path of regret.
It really is better to say nothing than to say the wrong thing. And in this high-emotion time you are more likely than ever before to say the wrong thing.
It pays to “wait and see” rather than rush in and risk making matters worse.
You’ll need willpower to follow the advice here. I get that.
Following logic over emotion is one of the hardest battles we humans have!
You literally have to fight your natural urges.
But the reward for demonstrating that willpower is a much greater probability of being a couple again, and staying that way.
Keep that in mind.
Now let’s look at:
What to Do After the No Contact Period Ends?
Clearly, after a period of no contact has passed, it will be time to reach out again.
Just remember though:
While what you say, and how you say it, is crucial?…
You are more likely to say the right thing, and do the right thing if you put in the proper work on yourself beforehand.
Most people ignore this. And that’s a huge mistake.
You have to get YOURSELF back first in order to have the best chance of getting your ex back.
Nobody talks about that. Or not nearly enough.
Put it this way..
If your ex thinks that the only reason you want them back is because you won’t be happy until that happens then you won’t succeed. They will run a mile. Any hint of that is a big turn off.
Working on yourself done right is awakening to the knowledge that while you may PREFER to save your relationship.. you don’t NEED your ex in order to be happy.
That is a powerful state to reach.
With that said and out the way —
When it’s time to reconnect again?
You want to build up this connection slowly and take care not to provoke a swirl of bad emotions in your ex.
Because it’s easy to over do this.
The first time you reach out, you want to just get a feel of things.
It’s an iterative process.
You want to gauge feedback, and move accordingly.
What wouldn’t be a good idea is to bring up heavy subject matters. For example, I wouldn’t recommend you mention the break-up or the relationship in your first few conversations.
Keeping things light and easy is key.
Also, remember that what you say and do must depend on what signals you get back.
If your ex does not want to talk, take the hint. They might need a little more time, so the smart thing to do is give it without resistance.
Always be gentle and level-headed with your approach.
Going from no contact to jumping straight back to where you were is a bad idea for sure. Right?
Therefore you must treat this process with respect.
Don’t push your ex into “talking about things.”
Don’t ask them to discuss “it.”
You should get a conversation going without mentioning the break up or the possibility of making up.. WAY before you go there.
That’s the smart way.
Yes, this means you need to have patience. And not have an “all or nothing” mindset which invariably leads to more disappointment.
If you pressure yourself to make quick headway with your ex, then you will also pressure them in turn. And no one wants pressure.
It is a fragile process. So proceed accordingly..
It is likely that your ex will be just as uncertain and apprehensive about being contacted, as you are about making contact!
Think of it like this:
After no contact, there is a gap that stands between your ex and you.
And your goal is to close that gap.
Keep in mind that this gap is not just physical. It is emotional and mental as well.
You want to respect the gap at every step you take if you are to make progress after the breakup.