Still Texting Your Ex? Here's Why It Fails

You think staying in touch will help.

Show them you care. Keep the connection warm. Remind them why they fell for you.

It won't work.

In fact, it's making things worse—fast.

Let me show you why, and more importantly, what to do instead.

The Real Currency of Love

Here's what most breakup advice gets wrong:

We don't just fall for people.

We fall for how they make us feel about ourselves.

When someone makes us feel proud—attractive, capable, chosen—we want to stay.

When someone makes us feel ashamed—needy, small, embarrassing—we pull away.

This is the secret most breakup coaches miss:

Pride decides everything.

Not love. Not chemistry. Not compatibility.

Pride.

If your ex's pride took too many hits during your relationship, that's what ended things.

Not the big fight. Not the trust issue. Not the growing apart.

Their pride couldn't survive one more day feeling diminished around you.

And here's the brutal part:

Every desperate text you send now? It confirms they made the right choice.

Every Message Sends a Signal

When you text your ex...

Trying to stay close.

Trying to prove you care.

Trying to keep the door open.

You think you're showing love.

They're seeing neediness.

And every needy message damages pride—yours and theirs.

That's what most people don't understand.

The Double-Impact Effect (Why It Hurts Twice)

Here's how it works:

Impact #1: You lose face

Every message that reeks of desperation lowers your value. You know it the moment you hit send. That sinking feeling? That's your pride taking a hit.

Impact #2: They lose pride in having chosen you

This is the part nobody talks about.

When you act needy, your ex doesn't just lose respect for you.

They lose respect for their own judgment.

They think: "Why did I ever date someone who acts like this?"

That embarrassment? It pushes them further away.

That's the Double-Impact Effect.

You fall. They recoil. Reconnection becomes harder.

Use the LOP Filter (Lens of Pride)

Before you send another message, stop.

Take three seconds.

Ask yourself these two questions:

1. Will this protect my pride?
2. Will this protect theirs?

If the answer to any of these is "no"—don't send it.

That's the LOP Filter (short for Lens of Pride).

It's your new decision-making framework for everything involving your ex.

Every text. Every call. Every social media post.

Run it through LOP first.

Examples of LOP in Action

Message you're tempted to send:

"I miss you so much. Can we please just talk?"

LOP Check:

• Protects my pride? No (sounds desperate)
• Protects theirs? No (puts pressure on them)
• Better way? Yes (wait, or send something lighter)

Verdict: Don't send.

Message you're tempted to send:

"Hey, saw this and thought of you. Hope you're well."

LOP Check:

• Protects my pride? Yes (calm, no expectation)
• Protects theirs? Yes (no pressure)
• Better way? Maybe wait a bit, but not terrible

Verdict: Possibly okay—if enough time has passed.

See the difference?

What Texting During the Pain Phase Does

Right now, your ex isn't neutral.

They're still processing the breakup. Still feeling whatever emotions led them to leave.

This is the worst possible time to stay in touch.

Here's why:

1. It Keeps the Negative Association Alive

Every text reminds them of the breakup.

Of the pain. The frustration. The reasons they left.

You're trying to rebuild connection. But you're actually reinforcing disconnection.

2. It Prevents Them From Missing You

Absence creates curiosity. Presence kills it.

When you're constantly available—texting, checking in, staying visible—you remove the space they need to wonder about you.

To realize what they lost.

To feel the gap you left behind.

3. It Trains Them to See You as Low Value

The person who reaches out more has less power.

That's not a game. It's human psychology.

When you keep initiating, you teach them: "I'm more invested than they are."

And nobody wants someone who wants them more than they want back.

What to Do Instead: The SUMO Approach

Here's what you do:

Shut Up, Move On.

That's SUMO.

It's not just no contact. It's a philosophy of dignified withdrawal.

Here's what it looks like:

1. No Initiating Contact

During no contact you don't text first. You don't call. You don't "accidentally" run into them.

I call this the NIC Rule (No Initiating Contact.)

If they reach out? You can respond—lightly, calmly, using HAST (Happy Attitude + Small Talk).

But you don't chase.

2. Protect Your Dignity

No emotional spirals. No public drama. No self-destructive behavior.

You need to protect your dignity. That means acting only in ways that reinforce your self-respect.

You're not ignoring them to play games.

You're stepping back to protect both of your prides.

3. Give Both of You Breathing Room

Space isn't punishment.

It's emotional decompression.

It lets bad feelings fade. It lets them process. It lets curiosity grow.

You can't rebuild attraction without space.

4. Let Silence Speak

Your absence sends a message your words never could:

"I respect myself too much to beg."

That's more attractive than any text you could send.

5. Let Absence Build Gravity

People don't miss what's always available.

They miss what they can't have anymore.

When you stop being accessible, you become interesting again.

The Pride Paradox

Here's the counterintuitive truth:

The less you try to win them back, the more likely they are to return.

That's the Pride Paradox.

When you protect pride—yours and theirs—you reduce resistance. You open the door for natural reconnection.

When you chase, you slam that door shut.

What If They Text You First?

If your ex reaches out during your SUMO period, don't panic.

And don't ignore them.

Use Drop-the-Rope Messaging:

1. Respond lightly ("Hey, good to hear from you. Hope you're well.")
2. Keep it brief (a few sentences, max)
3. Use HAST (Happy Attitude + Small Talk)
4. Don't ask questions (don't invite more conversation)
5. Exit gracefully (end the conversation while it's still positive)

You're showing emotional maturity—not games, not coldness.

Just calm, grounded presence.

The Path Forward

Right now, you're probably thinking:

"But what if they forget about me?"

"What if they meet someone else?"

"What if silence makes things worse?"

I get it.

But here's the reality:

Texting from desperation guarantees failure.

Silence at least gives you a chance.

Because silence doesn't damage pride. It protects it.

And pride—not love, not chemistry, not history—is what brings people back together.

So here's what you do next:

1. Delete the draft message you were about to send
2. Put your phone down
3. Focus on something that makes you proud (work, fitness, a project, connection with friends)
4. Trust the process

You're not giving up.

You're giving both of you the space to heal, reset, and—if it's meant to be—reconnect from a place of respect.

Not desperation.

That's how reconciliation actually happens.