Conflict Resolution: The Art of Fair Fighting

April 2025

Conflict is inevitable in any relationship. The key is not to avoid it, but to handle it constructively.

Destructive vs. Constructive Conflict Patterns

Destructive Patterns:

  • Criticism: Attacking your partner’s character
    • Contempt: Treating your partner with disrespect
      • Defensiveness: Playing the victim to ward off perceived attack
        • Stonewalling: Shutting down and withdrawing from interaction

          Constructive Patterns:

          • Using “I” statements
            • Active listening
              • Expressing needs clearly
                • Taking responsibility for your part

                  How Poor Conflict Resolution Affects Relationships

                  • Creates emotional distance
                    • Erodes trust and intimacy
                      • Leads to recurring, unresolved issues
                        • Can result in resentment and bitterness
                          • May lead to relationship breakdown if not addressed

                            Gottman’s Conflict Resolution Strategies

                            Dr. Gottman’s research has identified effective ways to manage conflict:

                            1. Softened Start-up: Begin discussions gently
                              1. Accept Influence: Be open to your partner’s perspective
                                1. Make and Receive Repair Attempts: De-escalate tension during conflicts
                                  1. Compromise: Find common ground and be willing to yield

                                    Exercises for Fair Fighting and Compromise

                                    • Time-Out Technique: Agree on a signal to pause heated discussions
                                      • XYZ Statements: “I feel X when Y happens in Z situation”
                                        • Active Listening Exercise: Paraphrase your partner’s points before responding
                                          • Gottman’s Dreams Within Conflict: Identify underlying goals and dreams in your disagreements

                                            When to Seek Professional Help

                                            Consider therapy if:

                                            • You find yourselves in the same arguments repeatedly
                                              • Conflicts frequently escalate to yelling or shutting down
                                                • You feel unable to resolve issues on your own
                                                  • Resentment is building due to unresolved conflicts

                                                    Master the Art of Healthy Conflict

                                                    Learning to fight fair can transform your relationship. I can help you develop these crucial skills.