How to Make Someone Want You Back

Breakups hurt. You want your ex back. I get it.

But desperation pushes people away.

Here's a better way:

The Paradox No One Tells You

You can't make someone want you back.

At least not directly.

But you can create conditions where they reconsider on their own.

The key?

Stop trying.

I know that sounds backwards. But here's why it works:

When you chase, you lower your value. You signal: "I need you more than you need me."

When you step back, you raise it. You signal: "I'm okay either way."

People want what they can't have. Not what's chasing them.

That's the paradox.

The less you try to make them want you... the more likely they will.

Why Most People Fail at This

They make three critical mistakes:

Mistake 1: They argue with the breakup.

"But we were so good together!"

"You're making a mistake!"

"Just give me another chance!"

This doesn't work. It never has.

Because when you fight their decision, you force them to defend it.

And the more they defend it, the more convinced they become.

Mistake 2: They perform desperation.

Grand gestures. Love letters. Showing up unannounced.

These might work in movies. In real life? They backfire.

Because they don't show love. They show panic.

And panic isn't attractive.

Mistake 3: They put their life on hold.

They stop living. Stop growing. Stop moving forward.

They wait. And wait. And wait.

Meanwhile, they become less interesting. Less attractive. Less worth coming back to.

Your ex didn't leave you to watch you suffer.

They left to find something better.

If you become less than you were, why would they reconsider?

The 3-Step Formula That Actually Works

Here's the approach that works:

1. Agree with their decision
2. Focus on your own life
3. Build respect

Let's break it down.

Step 1: Agree with Your Ex

This is the hardest step. But it's the most important.

Tell them the breakup was the right call.

Not sarcastically. Not passive-aggressively.

Genuinely.

Why this works:

When you agree, you remove resistance.

They expect you to fight. To argue. To beg.

When you don't, it surprises them.

It makes them question their own certainty.

"Wait... they're okay with this? Maybe I was wrong?"

How to do it:

Keep it simple. One message. Then silence.

Example:

"I've been thinking about what you said. You're right. We needed this break. I hope you find what you're looking for."

That's it.

No long explanations. No hidden pleas for reconsideration.

Just calm agreement.

Then disappear.

Step 2: Live Your Own Life

For the next few weeks (or months):

Don't contact them.

At all.

No texts. No calls. No "just checking in."

Don't ask about them.

Don't pump mutual friends for information.

Don't stalk their social media.

Don't "accidentally" bump into them.

Don't show up at places you know they'll be.

Don't engineer chance encounters.

All of this screams desperation. And desperation repels.

Instead:

Create a void. Make them curious about you.

When you disappear, they notice.

When they don't hear from you, they wonder why.

When they check your social media and see you living well, they question their decision.

This is how you plant seeds of doubt.

Not through words. Through absence.

See: No contact rule for the complete guide.

What to Do During This Time

Don't waste it.

Your ex needs to see you've changed. But you can't fake change.

You have to actually become different.

Here's how:

Physical transformation:

• Hit the gym consistently
• Update your wardrobe
• Get a haircut
• Take care of yourself

Not to impress them. To respect yourself.

Mental transformation:

• Read books
• Learn new skills
• Challenge yourself intellectually
• Break old patterns

Social transformation:

• Reconnect with friends
• Make new connections
• Say yes to invitations
• Build a life they'd want to be part of

Emotional transformation:

• Work through your pain (don't bury it)
• Address your issues (therapy helps)
• Build genuine confidence
• Stop needing their validation

More on this: How to heal after a breakup.

The goal isn't to perform change.

It's to become someone your ex never saw coming.

Someone they'd be lucky to have back.

Step 3: Build Respect

Here's what most people miss:

Attraction requires respect.

Your ex might still love you. Might still care about you.

But if they don't respect you, they won't come back.

And you lose respect every time you:

Throw yourself at them.

Begging. Pleading. Promising to change.

This doesn't show love. It shows you don't respect yourself.

And if you don't respect yourself, why should they?

Let them use you.

"Friends with benefits" while they're single.

Being their emotional support while they date others.

This might keep them close. But it kills any chance of reconciliation.

Because now they get the benefits without the commitment.

Why would they change that?

Make desperate gestures.

Grand romantic gestures. Public declarations. Over-the-top gifts.

These don't win people back. They embarrass both of you.

What builds respect instead:

Boundaries.

You're kind. But firm.

You won't accept breadcrumbs. You won't wait around forever.

You have standards. And you stick to them.

Independence.

You're not waiting for them to complete you.

You're building a life that's full without them.

One they'd want to be part of — not one that needs them to function.

Dignity.

You handle the breakup with grace.

No public drama. No social media posts. No mutual friend campaigns.

You take the high road. Even when it's hard.

Growth.

You're not the same person they left.

You've addressed your issues. You've grown. You've evolved.

You're not asking them to take back the old you.

You're showing them a new version they've never met.

What This Looks Like in Practice

Let me give you two scenarios:

Scenario A: The Wrong Way

Your ex breaks up with you.

You panic. You call them repeatedly. You send long texts explaining why they're wrong.

When they don't respond, you show up at their place.

You tell them you can't live without them. You promise to change.

They feel pressured. Suffocated. They pull further away.

You try harder. The cycle continues.

Eventually, they block you. It's over.

Scenario B: The Right Way

Your ex breaks up with you.

You feel the pain. You want to chase. But you don't.

Instead, you send one calm message agreeing with the breakup.

Then you disappear.

You focus on yourself. You hit the gym. You reconnect with friends. You pursue goals you'd put on hold.

Weeks pass.

Your ex checks your social media. You're doing well. Thriving, even.

They feel a pang. "Maybe I was wrong?"

More time passes.

You reach out once. Casually. No pressure.

They respond. Positively.

You keep it light. Then you exit the conversation first.

They're intrigued. "What changed?"

You build slowly. Patiently. From a position of strength.

Eventually, they want back in.

Not because you convinced them.

But because you became someone worth coming back to.

The Gender Element (Handle with Care)

Now, I'm going to say something that might be controversial.

Men and women often respond to slightly different things.

Not always. Not in every case. But often enough to mention.

For men:

Respect often comes through admiration.

They want to feel capable. Competent. Valued for what they do and provide.

If you constantly criticized him, he felt diminished.

If you now show respect for his strengths, he'll feel it.

For women:

Respect often comes through appreciation.

They want to feel valued. Seen. Appreciated for who they are and what they contribute.

If you took her for granted, she felt invisible.

If you now show genuine appreciation, she'll feel it.

But here's the key:

Don't fake it. Don't perform it.

Genuine respect is felt. Performed respect is detected.

If you don't actually respect your ex, don't try to get them back.

Find someone you do respect.

Common Mistakes During the "Making Them Want You" Phase

Mistake 1: Breaking no contact too soon.

You disappear for a week. Feel better. Reach out.

Too soon.

They're not ready. Neither are you.

Wait longer. Use the no contact calculator.

Mistake 2: Posting performatively on social media.

You post about how happy you are. How much fun you're having. How you've moved on.

But it's forced. Fake.

They see through it.

Post normally. Or don't post at all.

Mistake 3: Using jealousy.

Dating someone new to make them jealous.

Flirting publicly.

This might get their attention. But it won't get their respect.

And without respect, you get nowhere.

Mistake 4: Not actually changing.

You disappear. You come back.

But you're the same person.

Same issues. Same patterns. Same problems.

Why would they want that back?

What If They're Already Seeing Someone Else?

This is tough. But not hopeless.

Here's what you do:

Don't compete.

Don't try to win them back while they're with someone else.

That makes you look desperate. And puts them in a position of power.

Create space.

More space than you would otherwise.

Let the new relationship run its course.

Most rebound relationships don't last. Give it time.

Focus on you.

This isn't about waiting around.

It's about becoming someone they'll regret losing.

Whether they come back or not.

More on this: When he's moved on or When she's moved on.

When to Reach Out (And How)

After you've given it time. After you've worked on yourself.

How do you reconnect?

Keep it light.

No heavy conversations. No relationship talk.

Just: "Hey, saw this and thought of you."

Something specific. Something genuine.

Match their energy.

If they respond warmly, continue the conversation.

If they're cold, back off.

Don't force it.

Build slowly.

One text. Then silence.

Another text days later. Then silence.

A casual meetup. Then space again.

You're testing the waters. Not diving in headfirst.

Full guide: What to text after no contact.

What If This Doesn't Work?

Maybe they don't come back.

Maybe they've truly moved on.

Maybe the relationship is really over.

That's okay.

Because here's what you gained:

• Self-respect
• Personal growth
• A better life
• Lessons for next time

You didn't waste this time. You invested it.

In yourself.

And that always pays off.

Whether they come back or not.

See: How to move on if you need help with this.

The Bottom Line

To make someone want you back:

1. Stop chasing. Agree with the breakup. Create space.
2. Work on yourself. Become someone worth wanting back.
3. Build respect. Through boundaries, independence, and dignity.
4. Reach out carefully. Light. Casual. No pressure.
5. Be patient. This takes time. Don't rush it.

Remember:

You can't force love.

But you can become someone worth loving.

Someone your ex would be proud to be with.

Someone they'd regret losing.

That's how you make them want you back.

Not by convincing them.

But by becoming undeniable.

Your Next Steps

Start with space.

Implement the no contact rule immediately.

Work on yourself.

Read how to heal and start building.

Go deeper.

My UNFAZED program gives you daily guidance through this entire process.

It's not about tricks or manipulation.

It's about genuine transformation.

Becoming someone your ex would want back.

Even if they never do.