Hi—I'm Michael. And I really am sorry to know you're here because your relationship ended, and completely understand your desire to undo this mess, and get your ex boyfriend back.
Maybe I can help.
Listen, this is a fairly common predicament. Relationships end. However, they also start again, and some go on to be even better than they were before the breakup.
Naturally you may be worried your ex boyfriend will soon forget about you, or be snapped up by another girl. But that's not quite how it works. I mean.. sure, it happens. But it's always more complicated than that.
If you had a meaningful relationship, it will have left a mark that won't vanish over night.
This means he won't forget about you or get over it in a hurry. It also means any rebound relationship is almost certainly doomed.
Naturally the idea of him getting on with his life is distressing for you, and the pain you've been left with since the breakup is beyond any description I could write.
I just want you to know that I know this is a very difficult time for you, even if I can't understand how you feel (who am I to say?)
What I can do however is give you some pointers for handling this most difficult time.
Let's look at how you go about nudging your ex boyfriend into considering the idea of getting back with you.
This is Not a Time for Communication
You need to put some distance between you and him. And between you and his friends and family.
I'm talking zero communication.
Not out of spite, mind. And this isn't the same as blanking them! Because you mustn't do that. I'm talking about a deliberate effort to avoid them, but if you DO cross paths, you should be polite and brief. And move on.
This is almost a cliche these days, but it's no less true. The no contact move works. Simple as that. But with one proviso: what you do during this time is even more important. If you're unsure about this step, about why it works and how it benefits, take some time to learn. It is too important to be unsure about.
In short, going NC is a critical stage of the break up to make up process.
Your Ex Boyfriend Finds You Attractive When …
Can you fill in the gap here?
Is it when:
- you freak out;
- you're depressed or apathetic;
- you're clingy and obsessive;
- you stay in and shut the world out?
No. Definitely not.
If you are demonstrating any of those qualities, or similar, you are not helping yourself.
But don't feel bad. The annoying thing about breakups is they leave a path of destruction inside of you—emotionally and mentally—which make it very difficult to not do any of the above. Or similar.
In this way, you are almost meant to react in ways that cause more harm than good. Not because you want that. It's just how we naturally respond when a relationship ends.
Your job is to fight those urges.
Which means ..
While you won't feel positive right now, and you're biologically predisposed to feel dejected at times like this … you actually need to DO whatever you can that is the opposite of that. You need to strive for positive and upbeat.
I won't lie and tell you this is easy. Actually, I think it is better we agree that, while you won't likely achieve it any time soon, you will remain open minded and willing to try anyway.
Is that agreeable?
So, for example, something you might do in the spirit of trying is to spend less time alone with your thoughts indoors, and more time out and about with friends and family.
Saying YES to activities, even when you don't feel like it (because you probably won't …) is precisely what I'm talking about.
And who knows. Maybe you will have some fun.
Having fun, being outgoing and making "stories" you can later share are all things that help attract your ex.
Staying indoors and moping however (though entirely reasonable to do) is not persuasive or compelling to anyone. Certainly not your ex.
It's not good for you either.
Something to keep in mind.
Another way of looking at it is, you might want to be more like the person he fell for in the first place, than the person he ultimately broke up with … IF you also agree that those qualities are good ones for you to have.
If he wanted you to change in ways that is not healthy or right for you then you really should reconsider if this relationship is worth saving.
Just remember that we are not wired to find people who have low-energy, who are "needy" and depressed … attractive. Those are not magnetic qualities.
That is human nature.
Not a choice we make. Just a way we feel in reaction to those kind of qualities.
What's especially cruel of course is that you're left to feel that way as a result of the breakup. Just like I said earlier. It's the natural response.
You might be feeling a 7 or an 8 on the value-scale of life BEFORE you broke up, but afterwards your value plummeted and you may struggle to feel like a 2 or 3.
What you have to do, and it is critical .. is FIGHT your natural response to the event (which is to feel like you have little value and little to offer) so that you stem the loss of "value" and regain your power …
Power, I might add, you always had and always will have! We all do. But we can trick ourselves quite easily, hide it, and believe we are less than we really are.
And we do such a good job of it that THAT is what is picked up by those around us.
Especially your partner.
So let him see you enjoying yourself and life. Be positive and outgoing and he may remember what he first saw in you.
Identify the Reason Your Boyfriend Broke Up with You
Once things have settled, it never hurts to try and truly understand why your boyfriend left you. Because if you don't know, it will be difficult for you to fix the problem. And I assure you, there was a problem.
When you and him began going out, you would have been very tolerant of one another. We tend to act our best at the first stages of the relationship. However, over time, we relax a little. Often this leads to small irritations. Can you relate to this?
Sometimes one irritation too many is all it takes to break up a relationship.
Putting aside blame (a waste of energy,) reflect on whether you were pushy, or took him for granted. Or maybe you were controlling, or angry, or maybe you didn't open up enough to him.
It's not for me to say of course. I'm just listing the kind of things you might want to think about.
Of course, it's possible it was all him and not you, or something you did. Because although people say "it's not you it's me" and often that's not true, that doesn't mean it's never true.
But whatever the reason. Don't fret. Even the best of us will slip up time to time. And even big problems can be resolved.
My suggestion to you is to ask yourself honestly: am I in the wrong, or at least equally responsible, for the breakup?
If so, spend some time to fix those problems on your end, where possible. And, I might add, when it makes sense that you do so (changes that are not positive for you should not be made.)
Before we continue I must be clear: this step is not about blame. This is a chance for you to improve yourself, something that will benefit you regardless of whether you get your boyfriend back or not.
So forget about blame and instead think along the lines of being responsible and accountable.
Being responsible is an attractive quality.
Blaming (others or yourself) is an unattractive quality.
Giving Him Space and Working on Yourself, But What Next?
I know this isn't what you want to hear. But you have to be patient and willing to let this thing run its course.
When I said earlier to give your boyfriend space, I'm not talking about a couple days. Or even a week.
(In some cases, that may be long enough, but those are less common.)
It's going to be challenging for you. But for most couples I recommend a few weeks of no contact. In some cases, 30 days or longer.
There are caveats to all this (isn't there always?) and I even developed a tool that will tell you exactly how long to take a break for in my Breakup Dojo membership program. But only giving him a few days of space is not enough.
Not for either of you.
So take a deep breath. And commit.
Use this cooling off stage to your advantage. That's the point as much as any other. Use this time to learn how to cope with the situation, improve yourself, and become the best YOU that you can be.
Which incidentally helps you when you DO eventually reconnect with your boyfriend (if he hasn't already made the first move …)
If you imagine a few weeks from now meeting up with your ex, and you're controlled, confident, and happy, you might just show your boyfriend what he's been missing.