A guide to get your ex back for both men and women
Make Headway Today!
I’m confident you can get your ex back because I’m giving you the same map my paying clients use to get their ex back.
- You get to follow the same proven plan my private clients successfully use;
- A plan specifically designed to significantly increase your chances of getting back together (which I guarantee);
- A plan which ALSO helps ensure you stay together afterwards because we won’t be using tricks, dubious tactics, or outright lies that backfire!
If you are confused about what to do or where to start, this ex back repair guide will be a breath of fresh air for you.
A lack of clarity will only slow your relationship recovery journey.
We don’t want that!
Who’s this article for?
This how-to guide can be followed by practically anyone because the principles are universal. So, whether you’re looking to get your ex-girlfriend back or your ex-boyfriend, and whether you’re old or young, gay or straight, married or otherwise… this article is a great starting point for you.
Did you know? By the time you finish this short article, you will know exactly where to apply your energy next to save your relationship.
Which means you’ll make progress today toward getting your ex back.
But also? This proven approach is designed to ensure your ex will not leave you again after you get back together, which is the hard part for many newly reunited couples.
Great, let’s now take a look at:
The “Get Your Ex Back” Roadmap!
Below I present the “30,000 ft view” process my clients have followed so you too may get your ex back successfully.
Let’s get to it!
Pause, Cease Contact and Step Away from Your Ex
Generally speaking, the first thing to do after a breakup is to take a pause and step back.
Yes, get your ex back by leaving your ex alone.
Do not call or text your ex no matter how much you want to or how badly you miss them.
This extends to social media as well. Frankly, during this time apart you are better off saying little to nothing online about your ex, or about what happened, period. Because, the more private you are now, the less potential there is to regret saying something you wish you hadn’t in the long term.
Relatedly, it will help you to think carefully about what your ex may think of you based on what you share online.
What message do you want to send?
Do not let your ex think you are weak and miserable without them as that would be unattractive and push your ex further away!
But, whatever the case, there’s no debate here:
You must take a strategic break to cool off and gather your thoughts, so you gift your ex and yourself space to process what has happened.
Even if you miss them terribly, and you struggle to sleep at night, it would be self-defeating to try and be close to your ex during the early stages after breaking up.
Instead, leave your ex alone and take some time to cool off.
Besides, this creates an opportunity for you both to arrive at a fresh perspective. One that will make your job easier.
There are many upsides to this.
For example, the clarity you will gain from taking a break will help you more readily and quickly see the personal problems that have been holding you back and pushing your partner away.
Often the key to getting your ex back is right in front of you.
You just need space to see it.
Make no mistake:
Amid the drama, you won’t have the eyes to see what is right in front of you.
A painful breakup kills your composure, and composure is an advantage in any conflict.
Ignoring this phase explains why many take two steps back for every one step forward.
They are not giving themselves or their ex-partner appropriate space to breathe!
When to Do this?
For best results, you must do this immediately following the breakup, or after a high drama clash or “bashing of heads.”
If you have children together, then you must moderate the space you give so you still fulfil your parental duties.
If you live together, then you should also still maintain your household responsibilities.
But, there is one other exception (ish) to mention…
This warrants a special mention:
How to get your ex back fast?
If your breakup was rash, and the other person didn’t really want to breakup (it hasn’t been on their mind for a while that “maybe we should…”) then those kind of situations can be fast to resolve.
When it’s the case of, “neither of us really wanted this, but neither wanted to BACK DOWN…” then your situation really could be resolved quickly by simply putting the ego aside and saying, “hey, I was rash and acted out of character back there, sorry!”
Give a small break in this case —a day or two— and tell your ex how you were stubborn and not thinking clearly. If your ex really didn’t want to break up? Then they will meet you halfway.
As a rule? Retreat where you can, but attend to what is important.
Is this Known as “No Contact?”
Yes and no.
The no contact rule is a more extreme measure many people will tell you to do. However, it is not without risk.
Instead, this is more about merely utilizing distance to potentially bring you and your ex closer together at a later date.
Having a no contact period is smart when your ex is angry or feels crowded by you. It is a respectful gesture, even. And, healthy for you in turn.
Summary: least said, soonest mended. Take a strategic pause from your ex.
Get Yourself Back Before Your Ex
Often the route back into the relationship you want to save requires you first to reconcile the relationship you have with yourself.
This means working toward and maintaining a state of relative balance and harmony as a single person.
Also known as getting your shi*t together!
Hey, you will be a mess to start with. You are human. And rejection is supposed to hurt.
As such, you should spend time with friends even if you don’t feel like it. It beats being alone.
Sometimes when being alone you are in bad company. Develop your awareness to know when it is better to be around friends.
But after a while, the pain will subside. And you will feel better, gradually. And then, as the weeks and months pass by, you will find life to be a little less grating, and in turn, more hopeful.
The road will get smoother, and your confidence will rise. And while it is normal to have a days “here and there” where you are decidedly not OK, as long as you are mostly improving it is okay.
Getting your mind straight is important because it is not persuasive to your ex if they perceive you want to get back together because you “need them to be happy and sane.”
And so, please get yourself together and whole first and then express a preference for a second chance.
It does not work the other way around!
If you overlook this phase, you will cut your odds of success dramatically.
Getting your ex back is partly about getting your ex to sit up and take notice of you. Which means you must strive to be complete and held together in body and mind.
Improving your esteem, appearance (hi gym!), and your communication skills (for example) will make you more attractive. And easier to come back to.
This is an ideal time to rediscover what makes you uniquely you. And to embrace your individuality.
There is no short cut here.
Avoid These Deadly Mistakes
You will make bad decisions and get undesirable results if you operate under the mistaken belief that you need your ex to be happy, and ignore your value in this world.
You also risk jeopardizing other aspects of your life as well (including career, friends, family, and so on.)
Why? Because after rejection, it is worryingly common to weaken your position with bouts of neediness (“I need my ex back,”) insecurity (“I can’t do this alone,” and desperation (“please please give me another chance.”)
These states are almost instinctual. After all, no one would choose to be needy, insecure, or desperate. It is instinct (and reactionary) rather than strategy.
We only make these deadly mistakes when we are not consciously choosing what to do. And not choosing what to do happens when we are in pain and lack awareness and willpower to make better choices.
Awareness is vital, of course, as this is how you notice when you are using the wrong strategy. Without awareness, you won’t even know what you are doing wrong.
By the way, the wrong strategies involve or include:
- Neediness, insecurity, and desperation;
- Begging and pleading (and self-pity is a huge turn off!)
- Ultimatums and blaming your ex for how you feel.
If these qualities were effective, a lot more people would make up with their partners!
Sadly, they are not effective, yet they come naturally…
This is why you must give yourself time and space to heal, repair, and gather enough composure to take effective action.
Over the years, many clients have expressed regret to me for making one of the above mistakes in one form or another. And, by far, the ugly trio of neediness, insecurity, and desperation have ruined more chances of recovery than anything else. It is one of the most common issues I see.
In short, use this period of time — during your strategic break — to regroup and work on yourself (where required,) and to heal and implement positive changes in your life.
You will naturally make better decisions once you do this.
Psst: Do this not for your ex or anyone else…
But for you.
The rest will follow from there.
Summary: my best results with clients always follows a self-improvement plan. And it is no mystery! The ex has to see what they are missing (and not what they ran from) so it becomes harder for them to stay your ex.
Make the Choice: Evaluate Your Options!
After you have sufficiently regrouped, it is time to take advantage of your improved perspective about your life and your ex, and evaluate your options.
Before you consider how to get back with your ex, it is wise to first determine the VALUE of the relationship you’re looking to save (or the reunion you believe possible to achieve after putting in the work.)
Is it worth saving?
Taking the time to explore reasons for and against your relationship is seldom done. But, you really should do this. And, not just for your benefit, but for your exes as well.
Of course, a truly unbiased and honest appraisal of your compatibility is a tall order. It is not straightforward.
This is why you wait until your mind is clear before trying!
Now, spending time on this step is critical. It can not be rushed. And trust me, I sincerely advise (read: tell!) my clients to do this as well.
Having a crystal clear vision of what you are fighting for —and why— gives you a huge advantage to keep going through the potential tough times ahead.
And so, before you attempt to get back with your ex the question you want to answer convincingly and rationally before you continue any further, is:
Can you honestly say you are both better off together as a couple?
Questions to Ask Yourself ↓
- Do you and your ex have something worth saving that is found in the other which you can build a happy future on?;
- Did you add value to the life of your ex (rather than take it away?)
- Can you and your ex work out whatever differences there were, or manage the differences that lead to the breakup, so you minimize the chance of it happening again?
You must reflect on this.
What often happens during a relationship is one or both transition in some way that sets the two of you on a diverging path.
For example, the three big and obvious transitions in life are:
- Career — did your ex-partner change job or get promoted or demoted in any way that affected their happiness or ability to sustain the relationship?;
- Marriage — it can be different to what we expect or hope for, and become a catalyst for separation (one of those things some regret, more so for women);
- Children — talk about a complexifier!
But there are many possible causes for a relationship straining transition to occur, which can lead to either partner in the relationship to undergo a new direction (away from the other.)
It’s also common to date someone who was never compatible with us in the first place (perhaps in one of the big three above,) but who we secretly hoped to change in time.
This is definitely a common mistake as people don’t tend to change much, but expect others too. And, it seldom happens. Certainly not in the way we would like.
If you get back with your ex with unaligned hopes and dreams, you will be miserable together, and on your way to another breakup.
It’s not often done or considered, but the first thing to do after a breakup (and after you are thinking clear) isn’t to figure out the fastest way to get back together. No! It is to decide whether it is indeed best to reunite at all (otherwise you should focus your attention on letting it go and moving on.)
Some ex’s make better ex’s than current partners!
For example, if your partner was abusive or you made their life worse in ways you can not change, then I urge you to reconsider your goal to be together again.
And if you decide (or can see) that your relationship is better off left in the past? There’s no shame in getting help with the moving on process.
However, if you discover through contemplation and honesty that your ex (and your relationship) is worth fighting for because you are reasonably sure you both are enhanced as a twosome (or can realistically achieve that result..)
Then you can proceed with gusto.
Summary: be sure you know what you are getting back. Is it going to work? Is it going to make your ex (and yourself) happy?
Progressive Stages of Contact with Your Ex
Once you are clear you want your ex back and the decision is not coming from the wrong place (e.g., desperation) then you are ready to navigate the various mini-phases of contact with your loved one.
Should you text your ex?
What you want to do is start with the smallest step you can which aligns with where your ex is already at.
This means ensuring your contact efforts — both what you say and when — “makes sense” from the perspective of your ex, while striving to trigger minimal reactance (resistance to hearing from you!)
And yes, this also applies to long distance relationships. It doesn’t matter about distance…
Whenever you reach out to your ex, try to soften the negative emotions you are likely to meet against by picking your choice of words —and topics— carefully. You want to diffuse the negative, while making space for the positive emotions to grow.
And frankly, at the start, it really is more about giving space for the NEGATIVE emotions to dissipate more than anything else.
But have hope!
If you do not fight against your ex and you respect their boundaries, things will improve.
Indeed, each time you contact and interact together, your goal should be to increase the good feelings your ex has for you (removing the barriers to make them attracted to you again.)
Contact Your Ex
I recommend sending a text message to start with as this is less invasive than a phone call, video call, or meeting face-to-face.
You could also start with a hand written letter, which is more personal and potentially more meaningful than any digital medium.
Email is fine, too.
What would your ex appreciate more?
Follow the Mood of Your Ex
There’s no way around it…
You must work according to the context of your situation and on what happened leading up to the breakup.
The secret to make your ex listen to you, engage with you, and even to love you lies in having a sensitivity to what they are going through.
This is how you get back together after a breakup naturally (rather than rely on mind games or tricks which can backfire.)
If you said something hurtful or stepped out of line or outright damaged your ex with your actions (betrayal, verbal abuse, etc.), you would be wise to put an appropriate amount of energy into giving a good apology.
You can not expect your ex to feel good emotions toward you while you remain “the enemy” in their eyes, right?
If you did something to upset your ex then offering an appropriate and fitting apology would be just the kind of action that aligns with where your ex is at.
Always act according to the context of your situation.
Now, this may be the first time you reach out to your ex (depending on your circumstances) and if they feel an injustice has occurred — whether true or not — then nothing short of addressing that feeling they have will suffice!
Again, the specifics of what is required of you will come down to the particulars between you and your ex, and the events you each share in your history together.
Study this image to see why jumping ahead is a bad idea:
Your goal is to nudge him or her closer to saying yes rather than saying no, by gradually warming them to your potential through appropriate steps.
You want to chip away at the blockages that stand between you both, which have been stemming the flow of love, respect, and attraction.
Understand: this is about raising your chances before you try your “luck.”
The result? When you eventually make a move, you will have already laid the groundwork to maximize your success.
Perhaps you will begin by extending an olive branch.
Perhaps you have some repairs to address before your ex can — in good conscience — entertain a two-way adult conversation.
This is a fragile time for sure, requiring sensitivity and courage to show your authentic desire to build bridges and make amends.
Meetup with Your Ex to Deepen the Connection
If your ex is receptive and friendly, and this has been going on for a few weeks (so you know it is not a one-off thing), you should next ask them to grab coffee with you (for example) just for twenty minutes or so.
This is just a friendly meetup. A chance to show your relaxed and happy demeanour.
If you keep the meetup short, you will show confidence and acceptance of the situation. Whereas, if you were to drag it out, and talk about the relationship and about having another chance (for example) then you would show neediness and desperation.
So, keep it short, and keep pressure out of the conversation!
Aside: if you were in a long distance relationship then meeting up is not likely an option (or there are caveats to doing so!) As such, you must get creative with how you escalate the connection. For example, instead of meeting up you might suggest a Skype or FaceTime call. This is more intimate than phone calls alone.
Build Attraction and Trust
Try to have a few meetups like this which are short and friendly. This deepens the connection and relaxes your ex.
Each time you meet, your ex gets to see the positive changes in your behaviour.
Use this to your advantage!
If your ex is happy to keep meeting you, only then is it safe to increase the time you spend together. You could then go for walks, and meet up to enjoy activities together.
Of course, throughout all of this you must not treat these meetups as dates! It is just two people enjoying time together.
Just Friends with Your Ex?
OK, so this requires a special mention, I feel.
It’s normal to be concerned you may become “just friends” with your ex. And forever be stuck in that dreaded friend-zone.
Well, here’s something I’ve noticed over the years:
There’s this exciting point in the journey of two separate people who’re destined to rejoin.
And that point is…
The “we’re just friends” point.
If you were to ask the one who initiated the breakup, “hey, what is happening here?”
They would essentially describe friendship back to you.
“Hey, we’re just friends. We talk, hang out sometimes. But nothing more than that.”
Friends hanging out…
And sure. It does look an awful lot like friendship.
And the one who was on the receiving end of the breakup? They would also describe it as friendship (reluctantly.) They want more, but alas it isn’t to be.
(And it’s at this point I get an email describing the hopelessness of it all, with the reader’s conclusion that “no more can be done.”)
Of course, the reality is they are taking score too soon.
Because in all the breakups that makeup, taking a walk through the “friendship zone” to get there is par-the-course.
Some do it quickly.
And some not at all.
But it is not the words of your ex that tell you which it’ll be.
If you are in communication with your ex, regularly, and even hanging out?
But not GOING out?
Yes. Maybe they’ve told you, “I’m not looking for a relationship.” (?)
And yes, maybe they’ve told you they don’t regret their decision to finish with you?
If so —
Don’t believe everything you hear.
Especially to themselves…
(I’ve seen enough “no way’s” change to “ok then!” to see that.)
After all, we are all deciding what to do based on how we feel at the time. Nothing more than that.
Frankly, we’re as consistent as our feelings are!
Take a look at this awfully quick picture I drew:
You would surely prefer to be in the green than the red, right?
Reconciliation is a process, not an event. Which means success will likely contain many steps to transition from “enemy” to friend effectively, and beyond.
In short, to get your ex back, you will probably have to play the long game even if that means being a friend (gasp!) for a while.
Take your time to allow him or her to at least reach a “maybe” when thinking about giving the relationship another chance.
If you can do that, your chance of getting a “yes” rises immeasurably.
However, if you push for a decision when they are still mostly thinking “no” then you will worsen your position and potentially undo some or all of the progress you’ve made to date.
What if Your Ex is Dating?
This is likely your biggest fear.
If your ex has romantic interests, or is flat out dating then you need to hold back on actually asking them to commit to anything with you. However, you can still continue building and maintaining a shared connection, and you should!
Basically, it is better to stay friendly even —especially— while your ex is dating. For one, there is a good chance your ex is in a rebound relationship, which usually do not last long. Secondly, the other girl or guy will most likely feel threatened or jealous of your ex staying in contact with you.
If you play it cool, this rebound guy or girl may attempt to prevent contact entirely, which your ex will find controlling and needy, and therefore a turn-off.
Make sure you are not the one exerting control and you will come out on top.
Summary: Make your “next more” appropriate to where your ex is at emotionally and mentally. Start where they are, not where YOU wish they are.
And, if they are dating, try to keep your cool and maintain the connection. Odds are it is a rebound and won’t last.
Related content: what to do after no contact →
Attempting to Reconnect with Your Ex
When you reach this stage you will have already nurtured good-feelings with your ex, helping them to feel comfortable with you, and got yourself strong (if you did not skip any steps.)
If so, then it is at this point you can tell your ex what you want.
This is the time to lay the “cards on the table” because doing so will have become the next logical step for you both.
As you may imagine, rejoining “the couple” status is the best part of my job by far. There is nothing quite like hearing the good news that the work my client put in, paid off.
I love it!
But it does not always go smoothly…
Understand: many couples reunite. And all the more so when the one who got rejected gets coached or self-learns how to give themselves the best chance.
Yet even so, there can be setbacks. And if you are not in the know, you might think getting declined by your ex is the end of the matter.
And quit right there.
But not so fast!
Let me assure you how in my experience, taking score too soon can give you the wrong score entirely.
This is because we rarely go from a no to a yes without a maybe in between.
Therefore if you get a no when you ask for a second chance, remember that!
Learning how to get your ex back includes learning the way humans work.
Plenty of loved-up couples out there had broken up previously. And you can be sure many of those who were dumped had to overcome a few rejections before getting the answer they wanted.
Think of it this way: those who gave up too soon gave themselves less chance of success simply because they quit too soon.
So if it does not happen overnight for you? Maybe it will happen over a different night in the future…
Because there is always a chance, and there is always hope. And certainly more than most realize.
I say all this because I want you to manage your expectations while keeping an open mind that often the result does not come as quickly as the heartbroken want.
Be patient. It is an integral part of the journey itself.
Hey, you will know by now this truism:
Your ex must not be rushed to make a decision.
Well… it is also true you must not be rushed to draw any conclusions about what your ex may say to you.
It works both ways.
So do everything you can to keep pressure out of every interaction you have, not just for your ex but also for you.
Now, if you are successful and they take you back then you will naturally be…
Building a New Relationship
This is where you get the chance to build a new relationship and fall in love again.
Moving forward this means building a better relationship than the one you last had together.
This is an opportunity for you both to learn from the past and implement safeguards to avoid falling into old destructive patterns and habits.
It is all too easy to resume the old ways and settle into the well-worn grooves. The trouble is, those grooves may lead you to a future breakup (in all likelihood.)
Take it slow, yes, but raise your game.
Get better at spotting warning signs and defusing drama early on, so you get to cut out the relationship rot as you find it.
We don’t want to let resentment live unchallenged.
That stuff builds and builds, and before you know it, you are back at the start of the journey.
This is the best thing about the second time (or 3rd…) together: the opportunity to create “version 2” of your relationship.
To keep on the right path…
Remember all successful couples have three healthy relationships:
- The relationship you have with yourself;
- The relationship they have with themselves;
- The relationship you both create together.
Nurture all three, and you will have a fulfilling and healthy relationship for the long term.
In fact, if you are prepared to help each other be happier in all three, you will discover the secret to keeping hold of your partner and growing old together!
How to Get Your Ex Back: Conclusion
If you don’t know where you are, it is much more difficult to make progress!
When it comes to a getting your ex back, in most cases you will be at one of the above six phases. Which one are you presently at?
Identify it now. Because that’s where you are “starting” from (so to speak.)
(Skipping steps will harm your chances. So don’t do that.)
The great thing is you now know where you are, and so you know where your energy must be spent.
Which means you can begin to make progress and get your ex back starting today.