will your ex come back? there’s only one sign that matters

i’ve got a confession: i don’t know if your ex will come back. but then again, no one does. however, i do know there’s only one sign that’s worth a damn.

want to know what it is?

the only sign that matters

there is one “sign” that beats all others, and here it is:

that your ex is a living, breathing, human being. yes, seriously. because if your ex is human, i can guarantee there is always a chance they will come back. and that is all you need to know. and all you can know for sure.


because beyond that, it is a matter of opinion and guesswork as to what that chance is.

put it this way:

couples who you’d never guess would reunite? do.

(just as couples you’d put money on figuring things out, don’t.)

the point is we don’t know in advance which outcome it will be. we only know that both outcomes are possible.

you can’t know which outcome you will get until after it has happened.

so, when i’m asked, “will my ex come back?” i can say “yes and no” because both answers are possible and applicable for every single man and woman alive.

i don’t need to know what happened between you both, and it’s none of my business… and it doesn’t matter, either.

what does this mean?

your job is to concentrate on doing what you can to improve the chance that is already there.

your only job is to increase the likelihood that the outcome you want is the outcome you get.

don’t waste your time debating what that chance is as a percentage or score.

while you can find articles that give statistics, they really should be taken with a pinch of salt. for example:

a recent study1 has discovered that 54% of brits who’ve been through a break-up in the past five years ended up getting back together with their ex.

does that help you?

not much…

you just need to know you have a chance, right?

if you insist on taking a quiz, though? i have a quiz that gives you an idea of how effective your approach will be. that’s far more useful and only takes 30 seconds to do. other types of quizzes are less meaningful.

but no matter how confident you feel, the best thing to do is strengthen your position. so if your ex has second thoughts about the breakup, you make it harder for them to be sure they did the right thing.

no kidding:

if you want a second chance with someone you love, it is not the time to be passive and wait for your fate —a common mistake.

instead, it is the time to take active measures to bring about the reunion you prefer to become a reality.

to all those asking me, “will my ex come back?” …you now know the score.

which frees you up to take action.

and, what works for my clients —and breakup dojo members— is to focus on making it more likely for their ex to return.

dealing with things like:

—increasing the attraction or removing what’s blocking the attraction. so more of the good memories flow than the bad.

—to apologise when it makes sense to. and improve or change their appearance to separate the old self from the new, and so on.

if your ex decides to come back to you, at least make it easy for them (oh, and help them not have “buyers remorse” either.)

stop obsessing about signs and chances, and learn the best moves to make so you find out by finding out.

for now, i will end my argument here.

update: let’s take a look at reasons for and against your ex coming back, and typical signs you might want to watch out for.

the wrong reasons for them to come back?

while you may be desperate for you ex to return, make sure they don’t come back for the wrong reasons.

check their motivation.

let’s cover five reasons:

— one: your ex fear’s they made the wrong decision

if your ex comes back because of fear, the risk is they will leave again once the fear subsides.

fear is not a desirable reason to come back.

being afraid of being alone is normal. but not wanting to be alone doesn’t equal wanting to be with you.

look out for that.

— two: your ex is unable to move on

moving on is a difficult and long process.

most people can’t just up and leave a meaningful relationship one week, and feel ready to start a new one the next.

it takes commitment to see it through.

so it is normal to not want to feel this unease more than to want to see it through.

this is why some come back.

they couldn’t commit to the de-tangling process. so they come running back to escape the withdrawal symptoms.

this is not a great reason for them to come knocking on your door.

— three: your ex has difficulty finding a new partner

whether your ex is able to move on or not, they still have to eventually find a new partner.

dating is not easy.

for most people, it is frustrating, scary, and even creepy.

and the “better the devil you know” factor can kick in.

change is hard. your ex might want to come back to familiarity, where they know what to expect (good and bad.)

this isn’t the worst reason to make up.

but you do need to proceed carefully if you are to avoid a repeat breakup.

— four: they wanted sex

going single is all well and good.

but if your ex is not getting satisfying sex (or any sex,) they might come looking for you to scratch that itch.

the problem? if your ex comes back because they miss their fix, they could leave you again once they find an alternative.

— five: cajoled or pressured to do so

if your ex feels guilty for leaving you, they might come back to appease their guilt.

guilt is a terrible reason to reunite.

and it would only be a short term fix.

love and attraction are not made from guilt.

if your ex is under pressure (family, friends, religion, and so on) then expect resentment to follow.

no one wants to be manipulated or cajoled into acting against their own wants and desires.

the right reasons for them to come back

the hope is that your sweet will come back for good reasons.

let’s look at those now.

— one: the breakup was over a non critical issue

in the heat of the moment, a trivial issue can escalate into a major issue leaving both with little wiggle room.

with neither wanting to back down, the situation gets out of hand. leading to an unnecessary breakup.

this type of breakup is the kind that neither partner wants.

a bad deal.

if your breakup was like this? a bit rash and over something silly —in hindsight— then you have good cause to get back together. after all, you didn’t have good reason to separate in the first place.

— two: the decision to come back was not rushed

if there’s a legitimate reason for your breakup, it’s better your ex takes time to weigh the matter. at least before knocking on your door.

same for you.

you need time to contemplate the issues that pushed you apart.

if you take your time to see whether things are fixable, your conclusion will be more valid.

— three: they want to address issues

you broke up for a reason.

if you can both accept responsibility for what went wrong, there’s hope for your relationship.

if your ex comes back because they want to work on the issues with you, this story is not over yet.

unless you choose otherwise.

reconciliation —can you picture it?— comes from an appropriate response to problems.

— four: your ex wants to do the work necessary to make it work

the deal is simple:

check that each individual is going to do the work they need to do.

if your ex has a problem, what would the solution look like?

whatever that looks like, you want to see them doing it.

same for you.

if you have a problem that contributed to the breakup, what would your solution look like?

this works both ways.

if each puts in the effort to manage or solve their own problems, you have good reason to try again.

signs your ex will come back

what causes an ex to come back after they broke up with you?

and what are the signs they’ll return that you can look for?

i’ve explained there is only one clue worth a damn: that your ex is human 🙂

every clue beyond that is guess work.

still, here’s a few clues to look for now and in the future if you insist on looking:

  • your ex is making excuses to see or talk to you;
  • they ask what you are up to, or if you are dating (!);
  • your hear from friends that your ex is talking about you a lot, or asking about you;
  • your ex is showing signs of jealousy;
  • your ex makes an effort to stay in touch with your family and friends. especially if they didn’t do this much beforehand;
  • your ex takes up the same hobby or interest as you;
  • your ex is “liking” your social media updates, retweeting you, etc.;
  • your ex quickly enters a new relationship. this would be a rebound. and infers your ex is trying to avoid or delay getting over you through distraction with a new partner. the point is, exes can indeed come back after dating…;

remember: as mentioned, your ex may come back whether or not they show those signs. it is tricky to know the true meaning behind these things.

rather than get bogged down with clues or signs, your efforts are best spent helping your ex to want to come back.

listen, i know this is a painful time for you. and i appreciate you are questioning everything. it drives you mad not knowing. so, at times like this, it is natural to be reading articles like this.

nothing personal. just promise you’ll not get so obsessed by questions you can’t answer, you ruin your chances to get the result you want.

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1The Independent, “Half of Brits Get Back Together.”

About the author: i’m a relationship coach specialising in breakup recovery. i’ve been doing this for 12+ years helping thousands worldwide. i created the Breakup Dojo, a popular program with over 1,000 members. i’ve authored several in-demand breakup recovery products, drawing from my deep fascination with psychology. i also publish the “ex-communication” newsletter that’s packed with actionable advice to over 10,000 subscribers worldwide.