How to Get a Girl Back After a Breakup: Hmm. Let’s Talk!

So you want to know how to get a girl back after a breakup? Well OK then. You’ve come to the right place. As you’ll see as you follow along with me, down this page.

Can I just say?

The pain you are going through is not easy to describe, is it? Words can not match the experience of losing the girl your love. And I get that, I truly do. What an awful experience this is for you.

Please be aware that the end of a relationship can have a severe impact on your emotional and mental wellbeing.

It is not something to brush off!

If you feel like your world is crumbling down around you? You’re not going crazy, and it’s not unusual. And please know you mustn’t feel ashamed or embarrassed to feel the way you do.

Right, good.

Your Future’s Bright, Either Way

It may encourage you to know that growth almost always follows a breakup. Especially if you allow it to. And most people will, even if not right away.

The fact is, people change the most after going through big life events. And breaking up is one of them.

Now sure.. you wouldn’t choose to go through this (who would?) but now that you are going through this, you may as well acknowledge that the outcome down the line may surprise you (in a good way.)

Whether you learn how to get your ex girlfriend back or you move on, both outcomes can be positive in the long run.

OK —

Now, as appealing as that may sound, you probably just want your girl back right now. And you probably figure the growth stuff can wait?

Sure. I get it.

That’s why I’m asked DAILY, “Michael, what are my chances?” and not, “Michael, how can I grow from this?” (!)

Ha!

Let me quickly talk about “chances” with you because you’re likely wondering the same thing.

You Always Have A Chance

Let’s state the obvious here:

Couples reunite. Oh yes, that’s just a fact of life. And so much so, I’d wager you KNOW a few guys yourself who got their girl back.

Maybe even a few that surprised you?

So firstly, let’s just acknowledge that couples do reunite. AND, let’s agree that we can’t predict which ones will do so.

So for you?…

We HAVE to agree that it is POSSIBLE. And from my years of working with hundreds of clients… I suggest we just leave it there. Because it’s not fair to give you a percentage chance. And frankly, it’s not possible to know.

Now sure.. in some cases, we may dare to be more confident about the outcome. That’s not unusual. But, I don’t know you, nor YOUR situation. So maybe your chances can be raised from possible to GOOD. Maybe!

And please know: if you and her are right for each other, I sure would love to help you both reconnect as a couple once again (psst: I even put together a handy how to get your ex back guide to help with that…)

Still, the reality is we’re not talking face to face here, and I don’t know what happened, or your girlfriend.

But no matter! Because what I DO KNOW is this simple truth:

If you play it right, and if you’re smart? You’ll have a better chance versus if you just “wing it” and hope for the best.

Psst: If you react wildly and hastily then you risk causing more damage. On the other hand, if you are calm and you do not let your emotions dictate your actions? You won’t make matters worse, and you will give yourself a stronger chance as a result!

Makes sense. Right?

Right, so deep breath, and…

Take a Pause

Now, I don’t know how you feel today, but it’s possible you are in a highly charged emotional state or will be in one soon. And, maybe it comes in waves? That’s certainly normal.

The point is?

Have you noticed how difficult it is to remain level headed after a breakup, especially when you feel angry, hurt, or lost?

Sure you have. It’s unbelievably hard to be in control.

Unfortunately, this is right at a time when the quality of having CONTROL is particularly important and useful.

So…

If you feel like you’re fit to burst, please refrain from doing anything other than cooling down. Because when you feel overwhelmed, that’s your cue to retreat and take stock.

Make sense?

Never take action from a position of high emotion.

I assure you it is better to take a step back from things when you are bubbling over with anger, or heavily grieving for your girl.

Now, let’s cover a few ground rules on what to do while you’re single, to become more attractive in her eyes.

Ground Rules for Handling Your Girlfriend

Let’s start with this:

Under no circumstances should your goal be to drag your ex, kicking and screaming, back into your arms.

Chasing is not how you get a girl back. And frankly, you shouldn’t be making any efforts to contact her, either. At least not to begin with. Which means no calling her, emailing, or texting, etc.

You can’t chase someone back into your arms.

Also, you know those places your girlfriend likes to visit? Avoid them. Because deliberately hitting the same spots she does, on the pretense of it being an “accident”.. is just not smart right now.

Covering every angle in one article is tricky. But the general point here is to avoid doing anything that may make her feel crowded by you. It is in your best interest to not be seen as a pest, in any way at all.

Now, while you’re doing the no contact rule and avoiding the, “just happening to be in the same places as her,” temptation, you should also avoid asking her friends and family, “hey, how is she doing?”

Sit on your curiosity for now, ok?

If you start asking, it may filter back to her. And you may not want that (for reasons best left to another article.)

Psst: Could the no contact rule ruin your chances? Yes. It is possible. If you want to learn more then click here →

Now…

Sometimes, staying out of the way can nudge your girl to make the first move. That is, to make contact on her own free will, which let me tell you is a positive sign indeed.

In fact, it is crucial that her decision to make contact with you — if she does of course — is HER own decision.

Better that, than through trickery or guilt, for example.

For one, we humans tend to stand behind our own decisions far more strongly than decisions we were prodded into making. We’ll even fight for our choices if we have to. But those choices made for us by another, which we were persuaded to act upon etc.?

Those are not anywhere near as good.

And we drop those easily!

Mind you? I should say that the caveat here is that with skill, we CAN persuade another to reach a decision on their own, that has the same effect as deciding for themselves.. but, they have to be partly leaning that way in the first place.

OK.

Where were we?

Oh yeah. We are primarily talking about the “no contact” thing (that’s the general name for this.)

By the way, don’t view this no contact advice as a definitive rule. It’s not.

It’s just smart to give space, ok?

Besides, the great thing about giving her space is that you also give the gift of space to…

Yourself!

Congrats! No Girlfriend to Distract You = Time to Do What MATTERS to You

It’s true.

You might not feel like celebrating this fact, but lets at least acknowledge the silver lining in this cloud:

By taking a break from chasing your ex, and no longer being her other half (for now…) you free up a lot of time to do whatever you want with. Time which, if used wisely, will pay off for you massively.

Hey, if your relationship was like most, you surely just regained several hours of your week, every week? Oh yes.

So make no mistake —

You have a great opportunity right now to take care of the things you usually wouldn’t have time for.

Like what you say? Okay, here’s a few ideas:

  • Get out and about for one. Be sociable. Say yes to invites. Look up old friends, and make new ones. The point is, do not become a recluse.
  • Get in better shape. Exercise, go running, cycling, swimming (or whatever it is you like to do.)
  • Take up classes in something you fancied doing but never got round to, or resume a hobby you let slip.
  • Start something, a side business perhaps, or pursue your mission (nothing more attractive to a girl than a man on a mission…)
  • Become an email subscriber so I can give you even more help direct to your inbox..

You get the idea (nod.)

Just don’t shut yourself away from the world.

Anything positive is.. positive, right? The worst thing you can do, and also the most natural and most common, is to mope around the house all depressed. Which is a big NO NO.

It does not matter if you don’t feel like doing anything…

Because your feelings are NOT helpful directions for your life right now.

You should act in spite of how much you don’t want to (by acting first, you discover a secret: that action generates feelings just as much, if not more than feelings generate action — not many people know this!)

Taking decisive action toward a worthy goal is especially recommended for you.

Why? Because doing that helps you…

Become Who Your Girlfriend Wants

It’s true.

You have to be the man your ex-girlfriend WANTS in her life. The man she can miss, and regret not having a second chance with.

To impress a girl you must know your value and live it confidently.

The needy and sad version of anyone is tough to love!

You can’t be moping around AND be a cool positive person she can want to be with, at the same time. See?

This is about putting some of the power back in your hands. Which in turn, puts you in a much stronger, more attractive position.

And building a stronger position is vital after the breakup.

Earlier, I said that women are naturally attracted to a man on a mission. Remember? Well, let me share something that Zan Perrion wrote in The Alabaster Girl about what beautiful woman care for:

Beautiful women do not care about these things at all. They are attracted to only one thing in men: *beauty.* And what is the beauty in a man? A lifelong devotion to a personal passion, a passion larger than him, larger than her, larger than the whole wide world, a passion that radiates from his pores until the day he dies. This is the beauty of men. And this is why beautiful women are forever in love with starving artists, musicians, dreamers, iconoclasts. They love these men because they, too, possess a certain, rare beauty. They, too, are set apart.

Amen.

See, when you broke up, you probably LOST a lot of your “power” in the eyes of your girlfriend. That’s just how it goes. Because when you “dump” someone, you devalue them in the process. Does that make sense?

They’re saying, “you’re less valuable to me now, you’re less attractive…” which is awful, I know.

And so, in effect, you are left in that weak position.

But then what happens?

Well, when you look at how most people react to this weak position, you will see how quickly a bad situation becomes a very bad situation.

Yes, I am talking about that moment when despair makes the weaker person desperate.

Yes, the D word. Which, when you feel hopeless, and you don’t have the perspective and confidence to take measured steps?

Well, that’s the groove you risk falling into.

If you don’t contain this weakness, you may appear weaker than you already were (in her eyes) as you will be assuming the role of the lesser man.

The fact is, a desperate man is a less attractive man.

Here’s another way to look at this:

When you first started dating, you might have scored a 7 or 8 out of 10 on a “scale of desire.” Or perhaps a perfect 10 :-)

But then time passes by, and life happens. And before long, after bickering and paying her less attention.. she starts seeing you as a 4 or 5 at best.

OK. So what do you think happens then, when at the point of breaking up you react with desperation and neediness? Right. Your score plummets even further.. it will only go one way.

Before you know it, you’ve hit a 1 or 2. Yet that’s the place most guys operate from when they try to get their girlfriend back!

Clearly, that’s not going to work.

So, the most important thing to do after the breakup is to stem the loss of power that so easily happens once neediness and desperation run the show.

To do that, you start by putting distance between her and you.

Stepping back, withdrawing…

And then get busy with your own life.

It’s no coincidence how actioning the above advice — time and again — increases the odds of a couple reuniting. And in case it’s not apparent, it’s essential to take deliberate action in your situation, especially the kind that is proven to generate the responses you want in life. It sure beats leaving your relationship to chance.

Be warned: non-deliberate action leads to poor results. Always. So.. please do not leave things to chance, OK? Don’t let your “gut instincts” navigate you. That’s not smart.

You must understand that how guys naturally react to a breakup is less than ideal (wink.)

Now sure…

It’s no walk in the park. Fighting your natural urges will require willpower, especially after losing the girl you love, with the rush of different emotions pulling at you, and influencing your every decision and move.

You got to have a firm resolve here. You have to fight your natural tendencies and urges!

On that, it may help you to keep in mind your end goal, and to remind yourself daily of the fact that how you feel is NOT a good compass for what you must do next.

Remember that doing what is necessary to reunite with your girl requires you to IGNORE some of your natural impulses. That’s the big lesson here.

5 Quick(ish) Pointers to Help You Win Her Back

Let me give you five quick pointers you can action right now. These will serve you in the short time while you prepare for the long term (yes, I recommend you do not stop your learning in this article.) Okay, let’s jump right in:

  1. To me, the most obvious place to start is figuring out — and correcting — the reason your girl gave you the push in the first place. Do you know why? I hope you do. Hint: it’s probably not what she told you. Figure it out, and see if you can resolve it. You should certainly try if it’s reasonable to do so. If you are not sure, or you do not feel you did anything wrong, then you need to spend more time thinking about it. Think back to arguments. This is the time to contemplate;
  2. I want you to think back to when she first showed interest in you. What were you doing? How were you, mood-wise? What kind of signals do you think you were giving her? If you were going out for a while before she split, maybe you were not presenting yourself as desirable lately as when you first met? Very shallow I know. I thought us guys were the shallow ones? I jest. But if she fell for you when you were looking and acting a certain way, it could be wise to readopt those qualities;
  3. If you are currently not feeling very positive about life (!) you probably show it? Well, go and do the things that lift you. Be outgoing, and seek enjoyment. If you look happy, you are more attractive to your ex-girlfriend;
  4. Whatever you do, be cool and reserved, not clingy or needy. It’s tempting to send her multiple text messages or call her every day. But really, you will only push her further away if you do that. It’s far better to be Mr reserved, and casual. If something is going on that you think she would enjoy, you can casually drop an invite, and she might just accept if you aren’t being “all weird” (though only consider doing this after you have given her sufficient space);
  5. Lastly, when you do finally reconnect, be open, flexible and fun. If you do “cross paths,” listen to her, open up, and connect with her sense of humor. You won’t go far wrong if you remain “cool and reserved” in the process. See the pattern here?

If you play it right, you might just find she wants to spend time with you. And from there, everything is easier.

Often, it is through trying too hard that gets you the opposite result that you want, so relax. In many cases, the biggest turn off for girls is an overbearing man who just won’t let it go.

Fight those natural urges to pick up that phone (again,) or purposely go out to where she hangs just so you “bump into” her, and you will be doing better than most in your position. I hope you catch my drift here :-)

If you can get a handle on yourself, and regain your composure, you really will improve your chances of getting her back. And that’s all you can ask of yourself.

It’s revealing when you contrast this to how guys typically behave. What often happens with some guys is they’ll display all the opposite characteristics of “cool and reserved,” treading dangerously on the line of being a nuisance or even a stalker.

The good news? Even though most guys don’t play it smart, clearly many do manage to reunite with their girlfriend. Therefore with your new-found knowledge (which you’ll be learning more of,) you have a big advantage.

Now, I really must bring up another important point…

Speed is Important When Winning Back Your Girl

The quicker you begin taking the right steps, the quicker you may be together again. It’s that simple.

If you take too long, you might have a harder battle on your hands.

That is, if your ex-girlfriend starts dating other men, your chance of success diminishes…

However, if that happens, all is not lost.

I might as well address this now:

See, while it’s not ideal, you can still achieve your goal when she is dating someone else. It’s just harder. But I like to remind the recently single of the “better the devil you know” factor. That is, she already knows your good and bad points. You have both gone through the “honeymoon period” where you were both on your best behavior.

All of this can be an advantage for you. Because while dating different people can be initially exciting, it won’t take long for reality to set in.

Your “reality” is already known by your ex. It is typically easier (and certainly more comfortable) to stick with what we know versus trying something new.

This is definitely one reason girls go back to old partners. They feel more comfortable going back to what is already familiar. Good and bad.

(And besides, rebound relationships do not typically last.)

Wrapping This Up and Your Next Steps

The takeaway from all this can be summed up as follows:

RELAX, take a break from “chasing,” and don’t mope around. It is essential to get out and about and enjoy yourself, and get to it right away (especially if you don’t feel like it.)

Then, after things settle, you may begin the tentative steps of making contact again. But not before you have rediscovered what makes you a valuable and desirable man!

Knowing your value means you do not exaggerate her value (common error!) and helps to ensure she can see you as an equal.

Hint: nothing raises a man’s value better than pursuing a worthy mission…

Lastly, sooner or later you just need to reach out to her (if she hasn’t already done the same.) And how long you wait depends (doesn’t everything?) But while there isn’t an exact formula for this (I’m working on something close though..) a few days or a week is not enough, and many like to recommend a month.

Update: I have created a tool called SUMO that tells you how long to go “no contact” for on your ex. Yes, really. To learn more scroll below and become a subscriber (I share more with my email people!) — Michael Fulmer.

Whatever you do, it’s important you work on yourself during this solitary time. And really, tending to the self is a never ending job (whether you’re in a relationship or not!)

Oh, and if you are still here reading my words, then I am confident you will cope just fine, and grow into an even better, more richer version of who you are.

Which is great because you’ll never lose when you do that.

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“My girlfriend and I broke up last week. I followed your instructions and we are back together” — Erick Nelson

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About the author: Michael Fulmer founded undoabreakup.com in 2011. He gives breakup recovery advice to clients all over the world. To help more people, he has also produced online programs showing men and women how to create their best chance of saving the relationship.