get your girl back: a basic primer

if you want to know how to get a girl back after a breakup then keep reading.

can i just say?

losing a girl you love breaks you more than any street brawl. and the thousands of great guys i’ve helped will agree.

so if you feel your world is crumbling down around you? you’re not going crazy. it’s normal to feel that way when a girl breaks your heart.

this mission of yours to get her back? while the chances are good you just want to feel sane again, that does not mean she is not worth chasing.

read on for my advice on getting her back.

whatever happens — you’ll be ok

first? if we jumped in a time machine and travelled a year or two into the future, you would be fine regardless of your relationship status.

after a breakup, your future’s bright either way. even if your girl was the bee’s knees.

hey, i’m not asking you to trust me on that. time will show the growth which follows a breakup. you’ll see.

the fact is we change the most after going through big life events. and breaking up with your girl is a doozy.

sure, you wouldn’t choose to go through this (who would?) but now you are going through this, you may as well acknowledge the outcome down the line may surprise you (in a good way.)

whether you get her back or move on, both outcomes will be positive in the long run.

ok —

as appealing as this may sound i bet you just want your girl back. and you figure the future and all the growth can wait.

sure. i get it.

that’s why i’m asked daily, “michael, what are my chances with this girl?” and not, “michael, how can i grow from this?”

but show a girl you can deal with pain and grow from it and who knows? you might convince her she’s lost her marbles to be finishing with a great guy 😉

anyway. let me talk about “chances” with you because you’re likely wondering about that.

you always have a chance

the truth is that there is always a chance to get back together. even if your chances are low, it’s not so unlikely that it shouldn’t be taken seriously.

couples reunite, and that’s a fact of life. love can prevail, even in the most darkest situations. even after a rebound (an unwanted relationship detour and the top fear of all men in your position.) even if she dates other guys, things can work out for you with your girl.

i’d wager you know a few guys yourself who got their girl back.

a few that surprised you?

so accept the answer: yes, you could get her back.

and let’s leave it at that. because attempting to get more specific than that, like making predictions and giving you a percentage chance? not helpful.

from years of working with hundreds of clients? i’ve seen it all. i’m talking about couples you would swear would never reunite, but who do. and couples you would feel sure could figure it out, not doing so.

while in some cases we dare to be more confident about the outcome, it is still no guarantee. and for you, i don’t know you or your situation. all i will say is this: your chances can be raised from whatever level it currently stands at.

and please know: if you and her are right for each other, i would love to help you reconnect as a couple.

bottom line, if you play it right and you’re smart? you’ll have a better chance than if you “wing it” and hope for the best.

psst: if you react wildly and hastily then you risk causing more damage. on the other hand, if you are calm and you do not let your emotions dictate your actions? you won’t make matters worse, and you will give yourself a stronger chance as a result.

makes sense. right?

use the right moves to get her back

losing a girl you love is a hard thing to do, but it’s not the end of the world. learning how to get her back is possible. you probably feel desperate to talk to her, be with her again, and do whatever it takes to get her back in your arms. but before you do anything else, read through the following ground rules to ensure you only make the right moves.

— first right move: take a timeout from your girlfriend

are you experiencing intense emotions? of course you are. one minute you have a girlfriend and making plans for two. the next, you are single and alone. well, now is the time to step back and take a break from your girlfriend situation.

have you noticed how difficult it is to remain level headed after a breakup when you feel angry, hurt, and lost?

sure you have. it’s hard to be in control.

unfortunately it is right at this time where having control is vital.

when a girl breaks your heart, tend to your pain, not the one who caused the pain.

so, if you feel you’re fit to burst, please refrain from doing anything other than cooling down. otherwise you will make matters worse.

when you feel overwhelmed, that’s your cue to retreat and take stock.

do not take action from a position of high emotion.

relatedly, it’s a good idea to stay clear of alcohol. a clear head ensures you will minimise regret. mindset is key. a compromised or weakened mind will take you off your game.

be assured it is better to take a step back from her when you are bubbling over with anger or grieving for your girl.

this is a painful and lonely time for you.

take each week one day at a time. don’t let your woman see you losing your way. this includes venting your emotions on social media sites.

it is a bad idea to share your problems on facebook, for example.

next, we will look at what to do while you’re single to help you become more attractive in her eyes…

— second right move: help your girl to miss you!

are you finding it hard to get your girls attention? maybe she is even talking with another guy right now. well, to help her miss you, let’s start with this:

you can’t chase her back into your arms, and force is not going to attract her.

under no circumstances should your goal be to drag your girlfriend, kicking and screaming, back into your arms.

chasing is not how you get your ex back ya know? we run from what chases us. you need to be smarter than that.

cut all communication.

you shouldn’t be making any efforts to contact her. at least not to begin with. which means no calling her by phone or making video calls, and no emailing or texting. to help do this, remove her number from your smartphone, just for now.

cutting all communication includes social media.

also, you know those places your girlfriend likes to visit? avoid them. because hitting the same spots she does, on the pretence of it being an “accident” is not clever. check your motivation.

yes, this advice is straight out of the popular no contact playbook, which is recommended to follow after a breakup.

staying apart her helps with damage limitation, see?

the point is to avoid doing anything that will make her feel crowded by you. it is in your best interest to not be seen as a pest.

while you’re giving her space and avoiding the, “just happening to be in the same places as her,” temptation, you should also steer clear of asking her friends and family, “hey, how is she doing?”

sit on your curiosity for now, ok?

if you start asking, it may filter back to her. and you may not want your girl knowing you are asking.

keep your focus on the man in the mirror, and the positive changes you can bring him (which is you, of course…)


sometimes, staying out of her way can nudge your girl to make the first move. to approach you and make contact on her own free will.

it is crucial her decision to make contact with you —if she does— is her own decision.

better that, than through trickery or guilt.

did you know, we humans stand behind our own decisions more strongly than decisions we were prodded into making. we’ll even fight for our choices if we have to. but, those choices made for us by someone else, which we were persuaded to act upon etc.?

those are not as good.

and we drop those easily.

when a girl is contacting you because she decided to, and not because she was guilted to? you can’t beat that.

as an aside: i should mention there is a caveat here on the influence we have on helping another to decide something. which, with skill, it is possible to persuade another to reach a decision we prefer they made… on their own. and, in a way that has the same effect as deciding it for themselves. but, they have to be partly leaning that way in the first place. and, it’s risky.


up to now we were primarily talking about the “no contact” phase. staying clear of her and hoping she may get in touch.

by the way, don’t view this no contact advice as a definitive rule written in stone. it’s not.

it’s just smart to give space, ok?

besides, the great thing about giving her space is that you also give the gift of space to…


having time to yourself matters greatly and forms part of “making the right moves” for winning her back.

let’s look at that now —

— third right move: do what matters to you

congrats. you gave no girl to distract you from doing what matters most to you. which means you not only have more resources for improving your life, you also have a great opportunity to boost your dating value.

it’s true.

you might not feel like celebrating this fact, but lets at least acknowledge the silver lining in this cloud:

by taking a break from chasing your ex, and no longer being her other half (for now…) you free up a lot of time to do whatever you want with. time which, if used wisely, will pay off for you.

hey, if your relationship was like most, you surely just regained several hours of your week, every week? oh yes.

make no mistake —

you have a great opportunity to take care of the things you usually wouldn’t have time for.

like what you say? okay, here’s a few ideas of what you could be spending time doing:

  • get out and about for one. be sociable. say yes to invites. look up old friends, and make new ones. the point is, do not become a recluse.
  • get in better shape. exercise, go running, cycling, swimming (or whatever it is you like to do.)
  • take up classes in something you fancied doing but never got round to, or resume a hobby you let slip.
  • start something, a side business perhaps, or pursue your mission (nothing more attractive to a girl than a man on a mission…)
  • become an ex-communication daily subscriber so i can give you even more help direct to your inbox…

you get the idea (nod.)

just don’t shut yourself away from the world.

anything positive is positive, right? the worst thing you can do, and the most natural and common, is to mope around the house all depressed. which is a big no no.

it does not matter if you don’t feel like doing anything…

because your feelings are not helpful directions for your life right now.

you should act in spite of how much you don’t want to. by acting first, you will discover a secret. the secret is: action generates feelings as much as feelings generate action. not many people know this.

keep busy with hobbies, and if it’s your thing, hit the gym (because it never hurts to improve your health and appearance…)

but you know?

taking decisive action toward a worthy goal is especially recommended for you.

why? because doing that helps you become who your girlfriend wants.

— fourth right move: become who your girlfriend wants

man holding hands with his girl in a field

how to get a girl back after a breakup? before you treat her like a queen, become the king she wants.

you have to be the man your girlfriend wants in her life. the man she can miss, and regret not having a second chance with.

you must pull her back by dropping the previous negative problems and traits you know turned her off.

and, align all of this with your core values…

to impress a girl you must know your value and live it confidently.

the needy and sad version of anyone is tough to fall in love with.

you can’t be moping around and be a cool positive person she can want to be with, at the same time. see?

this is about putting some of the power back in your hands. which in turn, puts you in a stronger, more attractive position.

and building a stronger position is vital after the breakup.

earlier, i said women are naturally attracted to a man on a mission. remember? well, let me share something that zan perrion wrote in the alabaster girl about what beautiful woman care for:

beautiful women do not care about these things at all. they are attracted to only one thing in men: *beauty.* and what is the beauty in a man? a lifelong devotion to a personal passion, a passion larger than him, larger than her, larger than the whole wide world, a passion that radiates from his pores until the day he dies. this is the beauty of men. and this is why beautiful women are forever in love with starving artists, musicians, dreamers, iconoclasts. they love these men because they, too, possess a certain, rare beauty. they, too, are set apart.


see, when you broke up, you lost a lot of your “power” in the eyes of your girlfriend. that’s how it goes. because when you “dump” someone, you devalue them in the process. does that make sense?

they’re saying, “you’re less valuable to me now, you’re less attractive…” which is awful, i know.

and so, in effect, you are left in that weak position.

but then what happens?

well, when you look at how most people react to this weak position, you will see how quickly a bad situation becomes a very bad situation.

yes, i am talking about that moment when despair makes the weaker person desperate.

yes, the d word. which, when you feel hopeless, and you don’t have the perspective and confidence to take measured steps?

well, that’s the groove you risk falling into. and, there’s no telling how much damage this can do to you. it leads to fearful behaviour like begging.

if you don’t contain this weakness, you may appear weaker than you already were (in her eyes) as you will be assuming the role of the lesser man.

the fact is, a desperate man is a less attractive man.

here’s another way to look at this:

when you first started dating, you might have scored a 7 or 8 out of 10 on a “scale of desire.” or perhaps a perfect 10 🤔

but then time passes by, and life happens. and before long, after bickering and paying her less attention, she starts seeing you as a 4 or 5 at best.

maybe you were no longer challenging to her, too nice, or got jealous and insecure.

realise: these mistakes are common and block the attraction.

ok. what do you think happens at the point of breaking up when you react with desperation and neediness? right. your score plummets further. it will only go one way.

before you know it, you’ve hit a 1 or 2. and that’s the place most guys operate from when they try to get their girlfriend back.

clearly, that’s not going to work.

the most important thing to do after the breakup is to stem the loss of power that happens once neediness and desperation run the show.

and to do that, you start by putting distance between her and you.

stepping back, withdrawing…

and then get busy with your own life.

it’s no coincidence how actioning the above advice —time and again— increases the odds of a couple reuniting. and in case it’s not apparent, it’s essential to take deliberate action in your situation. especially the kind that is proven to generate the responses you want in life. it beats leaving your relationship to chance.

be warned: non-deliberate action leads to poor results. please do not leave things to chance, ok? don’t let your “gut instincts” navigate you. that’s not smart.

you must understand how guys naturally react after a breakup is less than ideal (wink.)


it’s no walk in the park. fighting your natural urges requires willpower. especially after losing the girl you love, with the rush of different emotions pulling at you. influencing your every decision and move.

you got to have a firm resolve. you have to fight your natural tendencies and urges. if you are to stay on top of things…

on that, it may help you to keep in mind your end goal, and to remind yourself of the fact that how you feel is not a good compass for what you must do.

remember that doing what is necessary to reunite with your girl requires you to ignore some of your natural impulses. that’s the big lesson.

quick recap before we continue:

  1. the first right move is to cool down
  2. the second right move is to stop contacting her
  3. the third right move is to get busy with your life mission
  4. the forth right move is to drop all negative habits your girl ran from

speed is important

the quicker you begin taking the right steps, the quicker you may be together. it’s that simple.

if you take too long, you might have a harder battle on your hands.

that is, if your girlfriend starts dating other men, your chance of success diminishes…

however, if that happens, all is not lost.

i might as well address this now:

see, while it’s not ideal, you can still achieve your goal when she is dating someone else. it’s harder. but, you can still win, and i like to remind the recently single of the, “better the devil you know” factor. that is, she already knows your good and bad points. you have both gone through the “honeymoon period” where you were both on your best behavior.

all of this can be an advantage for you. because while dating different people can be initially exciting, it won’t take long for reality to set in.

your “reality” is already known by your ex. it is typically easier (and more comfortable) to stick with what we know versus trying something new.

this is one reason girls go back to old partners. they feel more comfortable going back to what is already familiar. good and bad.

(and besides, rebound relationships are not serious and do not typically last.)

— how to get your ex girlfriend back fast?

in my experience, you can get your girlfriend back fast when:

  • the reason for the breakup was trivial;
  • when neither truly wanted to break up, and things just got out of hand;
  • you had a one-off fight;

if this describes you, your chances are better than most.

after all, it is no big deal to regain true love when love is not missing in the first place…

wrapping up

the takeaway of this article can be summed up as follows:

relax, take a break from “chasing,” and don’t mope. it is essential to get out and about and enjoy yourself, and get to it right away (especially if you don’t feel like it.)

then, after things settle, you should begin the tentative steps of making contact. but not before you have rediscovered what makes you a valuable and desirable man.

knowing your value means you do not exaggerate her value (a common error.) this helps to ensure she can see you as a guy of equal or better value.

hint: nothing raises a man’s value better than pursuing a worthy mission…

hey if you wanted to know the reverse of how to get a girl back after a breakup, just lower your value while blowing hers all out of proportion. oh, and avoid the advice of a relationship expert who’s seen it all (wink.)

ok, you get my drift.

lastly, sooner or later you just need to reach out to her (if she hasn’t done the same.) and how long you wait depends (doesn’t everything?) a few days or a week is not enough in most cases, and many like to recommend a month.

whatever you do, it’s important you work on yourself during this solitary time. and really, tending to the self is a never ending job (whether you’re in a relationship or not.)

oh, and if you are still here reading my words, i am confident you will cope, and grow into a better, more richer version of who you are.

which is great because you’ll never lose when you do that.

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About the author: i’m a relationship coach specialising in breakup recovery. i’ve been doing this for 12+ years helping thousands worldwide. i created the Breakup Dojo, a popular program with over 1,000 members. i’ve authored several in-demand breakup recovery products, drawing from my deep fascination with psychology. i also publish the “ex-communication” newsletter that’s packed with actionable advice to over 10,000 subscribers worldwide.