If you want to learn how to get your girl back after a breakup, then get comfortable because I'm about to tell you how to stop pushing her away (having helped hundreds of clients win back their girl, over the years..)
First, I want you to know that the pain you feel now is not easily described. And it is awful.
Warning: Going through a breakup can have a severe impact on your emotional and mental wellbeing. Please be compassionate with yourself, and seek help if you are resorting to destructive behaviour.
If you feel like your world is crumbling down around you, that life has singled you out somehow.. you are not alone (if you could see my stuffed inbox..)
However, it is true that you must experience it alone, because no one can experience it with you.
For that, I wish I could reach through the screen and grip your shoulder, and tell you that “what you feel is not wrong, or something to be ashamed or embarrassed about, nor must you suffer alone in silence.”
It may encourage you to know that growth will almost always follow a break up.
It is true.
It is well known that we grow and improve through the struggles and hardship that we face. That our character evolves as a direct result of pain and suffering.
While you wouldn't choose hardship for growth, that does not mean your future self won’t appreciate the improved you that comes OUT of it.
Remember: whether you get your ex girlfriend back, or you move on, both outcomes can be positive in the long run.
Now, as appealing as that may be, you probably just want your girlfriend back. And you probably figure the growth stuff can wait.. right?
I get it.
It's why I'm asked DAILY.. "Michael, what are my chances?" rather than, "Michael, how can I grow from this?"
Let’s talk about that now:
Your Odds of Getting Her Back?
By now, you are probably wondering what your chances are of resurrecting your dead relationship.
Well, couples DO reunite. Right? That's just a fact. So much so, I'd wager you KNOW a few couples yourself who got back together.
And maybe a few that surprised you?
So first, let's just acknowledge that separated couples do reunite. AND further, let's also agree that we can't really predict which ones will achieve it (not as a science at least..)
So for you?..
We HAVE to agree that it is POSSIBLE. And from my years of working with hundreds of clients? Well, I suggest we just leave it there. Because it's not fair to give you a percentage chance. Nor is it possible to!
Yes yes.. in some cases, we may dare to be more confident about the outcome (or less.) That's not unusual. But I don't know YOUR situation. So maybe your chances can be raised from possible to GOOD. Maybe!
Right. Because that's the other thing..
Whatever your chances are, it can be modified and changed (downwards or upwards) because this is not a fixed thing.
If you FEEL you have little chance, it needn't remain so.
And hey, please know:
If you and her are good for each other, and you both have a chance of enjoying a loving and wonderful relationship together.. then I would love to help you both reconnect as a couple once again.
Of course, as we're not talking face to face here (or via email as I do with many clients) I don't know what happened with you both, nor do I know your girlfriend..
Still. What I DO KNOW however is this simple truth:
If you play it right, and if you're smart? You'll have a better chance than if you just "wing it" and hope for the best.
If you react wildly and hastily, you risk causing more damage. If you can be calm and not let your emotions dictate your actions, you won’t make matters worse.
Makes sense. Right?
OK, deep breath..
You Don't Want to Be Replaced
I don't know how you feel today, but it's possible you are in a highly charged emotional state. And maybe it comes in waves? That's certainly normal. Point is..
Have you noticed how difficult it is to remain level headed after the breakup?
Sure you have. It's unbelievably hard to be in control.
Unfortunately though, this is at a time when the quality of having CONTROL is particularly important.
If you feel like you're fit to burst, please refrain from doing anything other than cooling down. Because when you feel overwhelmed, that's your cue to retreat from activity.
Never take action from a position of high emotion.
You do not want to let your passion guide your actions!
Now let's cover a few ground rules on what you should be doing right now while you're "the ex."
Basic Advice For Handling Your Ex Girlfriend
Under no circumstances should your goal be to drag your ex, kicking and screaming, back into your arms. That's not how you get an ex back. In fact, you shouldn't be doing any chasing whatsoever. No calling her, emailing, or texting.
You can't chase someone back into your arms.
As a general rule, the nearer in time it is to the break up, the further your hand should be from making a phone call..
And you know those places your ex girlfriend hangs out? Avoid them. Because deliberately hitting the same places she does is just not smart right now.
Did you know? Repeated exposure will only intensify whatever dominant emotion she already has toward you. As it is highly likely this emotion will be negative, it makes no sense to feed it.
It's tricky to cover all the angles in one article. But the general point here stands: don't do anything that may make your ex girlfriend feel crowded by you. You do not want to be seen as a pest as it'll only slow your progress, both in the short and long term.
Now, while you're not contacting your ex or "just happening to be in the same places as her," you should also avoid asking her friends or family "how is she doing?"
Why? Because this will filter back to her. And you may not want that either (for reasons best left to another article.)
Sometimes — when done correctly — the above advice alone may compel your ex girlfriend to make the first move. That is, to make contact on her own free will — after cooling down — which would clearly be a positive sign.
By the way.. it is crucial that any decision she makes to contact you IS indeed HER own decision. Because we humans? We will stand behind our own decisions every time. We'll even fight for them if we have to. Whereas any decision made for us by another, which we were persuaded to act upon?..
Those are not any where near as good.
We drop those easily!
The caveat here is that with skill, we CAN persuade another to reach a decision on their own that has the same effect as making a decision for themselves.. but they have to be partly leaning that way in the first place.
Where were we?
Oh yeah. We are essentially talking about following the "no contact rule" (that's the general name for this.)
It isn't rocket science. It's just smart to give space after a break up.
Get Yourself Back?
Now, while you are taking a break from chasing your ex, be sure you use this new-found extra time wisely. Because if your relationship was like most, you surely just regained several hours of your week, correct?
At the very least.
So you now have a unique opportunity to take care of a few things you normally wouldn't have time for. And it would be silly to waste it.
Here's a few ideas:
- Get out and about for one. Be sociable. Say yes to invites. Look up old friends, and make new ones. Point is, do not become a recluse, spending your free time under the duvet..
- How about getting in better shape? Exercise is good for your mood as well. So do whatever you like to do.. go running, cycling, swimming, whatever floats your boat.
- You could take up classes in something you've always fancied doing, but never got round to, or perhaps resume a hobby you let slip? (If you don't FEEL like it, challenge yourself to show up regardless, because chances are you won't feel like doing anything anyway, so..)
- Start something! A tiny side business, a blog, or learn a language, play guitar, whatever you want..
You get the idea (nod.)
Just don't shut yourself away from the world, OK?
Anything positive is.. positive, right? The worst thing you can do, and also the easiest and most common, is to mope around the house all depressed. That is a big NO NO.
I don't care if you don't feel like doing anything else..
Because your feelings are NOT helpful directions for your life right now.
You have to be somebody who your ex girlfriend WANTS to be in her life. Someone she can miss if you're not.
The needy and sad version of anyone is tough to love.
You can't be moping around AND be a cool positive person she can want to be with, at the same time. See?
All of the above advice is about putting some of the power back in to your hands. Which in turn, puts you in a much stronger, more attractive position.
Because when you broke up, you probably LOST a lot of your "power" in the eyes of your ex girlfriend. That's just how it goes. Because when you "dump" somebody, you devalue them in the process. Does that make sense?
You're saying, "you're less valuable to me now, you're less attractive…" which isn't too pretty.
And how do most people react to this?
By becoming desperate.
And what is a desperate person?..
A weak, less-than person. The fact is, a desperate person is a less attractive version of whoever they were before they were desperate. Always!
So consider this..
When you first started dating, you might score a 7 or 8 out of 10 on a "scale of desire." But then time passes by, and life happens. And before long, after bickering and paying her less attention.. she starts seeing you as a 4 or 5 at best.
So.. what do you think happens then, when at the point of breakup you react with desperation and neediness? Right. Your score plummets even further.. it can only go one way.
Before you know it, you've hit a 1 or 2. And that's the place most guys operate from when they try to get their ex girlfriend back!
Clearly that's not how to win a girl back.
So the most important thing to do after the breakup is to stem the loss of power that so easily happens once neediness and desperation run the show.
To start with, you want to put distance between your ex and you.
Stepping back, withdrawing..
And then get busy with your own life.
And yes. Such a seemingly small change can go a long way in how to get a girl back after a breakup, but more importantly? It's how you get yourself back.
It's no coincidence how actioning the above advice — in every client I've helped, certainly.. — increases the odds of a couple reuniting. And in case it's not obvious, it's important to take deliberate action in your situation, especially the kind that is proven to generate the responses you want in life. It sure beats leaving your relationship to chance..
Be warned: non-deliberate action leads to poor results. Always. So.. please don't leave things to chance, OK? Don't let your "gut instincts" navigate you. It's not smart.
You must understand that how guys naturally react to a breakup is less than ideal (wink.)
It's no walk in the park. Fighting your natural urges will require willpower, especially after a breakup when there are a rush of different emotions bubbling under the surface, influencing your every move.
You've got to have a strong resolve here, because you have to fight your natural tendency and urges!
It may help you to keep in mind your end goal, and to remind yourself daily the fact that how you feel is NOT a good compass for what you should do next.
To do what is necessary to reunite with your ex requires that you IGNORE some of your natural impulses. That's a hugely important lesson here.
5 Action Steps to Get a Girl Back
Let me give you 5 quick pointers you can action right now. These will serve you in the short time while you prepare for the long term (yes, I recommend you do not stop your learning at this article.) Okay, let's jump right in:
- To me, the most obvious place to start is figuring out — and correcting — the reason your girl gave you the push in the first place. Do you know why? I hope you do. Hint: it's probably not what she told you. Figure it out, and see if you can resolve it. You should certainly try if it's reasonable to do so. If you are not sure, or you do not feel you really did anything wrong, then you really need to spend more time thinking about it. Think back to arguments. It's time to contemplate;
- I want you to think back to when she first showed interest in you. What were you doing? How were you, mood wise? What kind of signals do you think you were giving her? If you were going out for a while before she split, maybe how you're presenting yourself recently is not as desirable as when you first met? Very shallow I know. I thought us guys were the shallow ones? I jest. But if she fell for you when you were looking and acting a certain way, it could be wise to readopt those qualities;
- If you are currently not feeling very positive about life (!) you probably show it? Well, try and do some things that lift you. Be outgoing, and seek enjoyment. If you look happy, you are more attractive to your ex girlfriend;
- Whatever you do, be cool and reserved, not clingy or needy. It's tempting to send her multiple text messages, or call her every day. But really, you will only push her further away if you do that. It's far better to be Mr reserved, and casual. If there is something going on that you think she would enjoy, you can casually drop an invite, and she might just accept if you aren't being "all weird”;
- Lastly, be open, flexible and fun. If you do "cross paths,” listen to her, open up, and connect with her sense of humor and you won't go far wrong so long as you remain "cool and reserved" in the process. See the pattern here?
If you play it right, you may well find it not so tough to win your girl back. Often, trying too hard only gets you the opposite result that you want, so relax. In many cases, the biggest turn off for girls is an overbearing man who just won't let it go.
So fight those natural urges to pick up that phone (again,) or to purposely go out to where she hangs just so you "bump into" her. I hope you catch my drift here :-)
If you can get a handle on this, regain your composure, you really will improve your chances of getting her back. And that's all you should ask of yourself.
It's revealing when you contrast this to how guys typically react to a breakup. What often happens with most guys is that they'll display all the opposite characteristics to "cool and reserved," treading dangerously on the line of being an "overbearing man who just won't let it go."
The good news? Even though most guys don't play it smart, clearly, many still reunite with their ex. It happens all the time. Therefore with your new-found knowledge (which you'll be learning more of,) you really will have given yourself much greater odds of success.
Now, I really must bring up another important point..
Speed is Important When Winning Back Your Girl
The quicker you begin taking the right steps, the quicker you may be together again. It's that simple.
If you take too long you might have a harder battle on your hands.
That is, if your ex girlfriend starts dating other men, your chance of success diminishes..
However, if that happens, all is not lost.
I might as well address this now:
See, while it's not ideal, you can still achieve your goal when she is dating someone else. It's just harder. But I like to remind the recently single of the "better the devil you know" factor. That is, your ex girlfriend already knows your good and bad points. You have both gone through the "honeymoon period" where you were both on your best behaviour, and have since settled.
All of this can be an advantage for you. Because while dating different people can be initially exciting, it won't take long for reality to set in.
Your "reality" is already known by your ex. It is typically easier (and certainly more comfortable) to stick with what we know versus trying something new.
This is definitely one reason many couples get back together. They simply feel more comfortable going back to what is already familiar. Good and bad.
(And besides, rebound relationships do not typically last.)
Wrapping This Up and Your Next Steps
The takeaway from all this can be summed up as follows: relax, take a break from "chasing," don't mope around, get out and about and enjoy yourself, and get to it right away.
Yes, that's a HUGE simplification of the process, and it is not the "whole story” by far. But it IS a good start.
After a period of time has passed, you may begin the tentative steps of making contact again. With this, how long you wait depends. There isn't an exact formula for it (I'm working on something close though..) but a few days is not enough, and many recommend about a month.
Update: I have created a tool called SUMO that tells you how long to go “no contact” for on your ex, before reaching out. To learn more, and receive daily tips on saving your relationship, scroll below and click the big red button (where I offer to reveal the "Seven Clues Your Ex Girlfriend Wants You Back"..)
What next? Well, it's important you work on yourself during this solitary time. You must learn how to cope and grow into an even better, more richer version of who you are.
Because you'll never lose when you do that.