How to Re-Attract Your Ex

Breaking up hurts. But it's not always the end.

You can rekindle attraction. You can fix what's broken.

But not through begging. Not through promises.

Through transformation.

Here are four powerful principles that change how your ex sees you:

1. Mirror your ex's self-image
2. Change your mindset
3. Be a lion, not a sheep
4. Put yourself first

Let's break it down.

The Attraction Problem After a Breakup

Here's what happens when a relationship ends:

Your ex loses attraction to you.

Not because you changed. But because the dynamic did.

Maybe you became too available. Too predictable. Too needy.

Maybe the relationship became routine. Safe. Boring.

Maybe they started seeing your flaws more than your strengths.

Whatever the reason, the result is the same:

The attraction died.

And you can't logic your way back into attraction.

You can't convince someone to feel something they don't.

You have to create the conditions where attraction naturally rebuilds.

That's what these four principles do.

Principle 1: Be a Mirror for Your Ex

We like people who see us as we see ourselves.

This isn't obvious. In fact, it's counterintuitive.

You'd think people want to be seen in the best possible light. That compliments always help.

But research shows otherwise.

Self Verification Theory — backed by decades of research from UT Austin professor Bill Swann — proves this:

We're drawn to those who match our self-image, good or bad.

Let me give you an example:

Your ex has always been insecure about their intelligence.

You constantly tell them how smart they are.

You think this helps. But it doesn't.

Instead, it creates cognitive dissonance.

They think: "I'm not that smart."

You say: "You're brilliant!"

The mismatch makes them uncomfortable around you.

They feel like you don't really see them. You see an idealized version.

What works instead:

Acknowledge their actual self-image. Then validate the strengths they recognize in themselves.

If they see themselves as "street smart but not book smart," reflect that.

"You have incredible practical intelligence. You figure things out in real situations better than anyone I know."

Now you're speaking their language.

Now they feel seen.

The key insight:

If your ex has low self-esteem, too much praise might push them away.

If your ex is confident in specific areas, affirm those areas.

Match their self-view to attract them.

How to Apply This

Listen to how they describe themselves.

Do they say:

• "I'm not the smartest person..."
• "I'm pretty good with people..."
• "I'm terrible at planning..."

Those are clues to their self-image.

Don't argue with their self-assessment.

If they say "I'm not good at relationships," don't respond with "Yes you are!"

Instead: "You're honest about that. I respect that kind of self-awareness."

Compliment the traits they're proud of.

Not the ones you wish they had.

If they're proud of their work ethic, compliment that.

If they're proud of their sense of humor, notice it.

This creates alignment. And alignment creates attraction.

The Danger of Over-Praising

When you put your ex on a pedestal, you actually push them away.

Here's why:

It creates pressure.

If you see them as perfect, they have to maintain that image. Exhausting.

It feels false.

No one believes they're perfect. So your praise feels disingenuous.

It lowers your value.

If you think they're a 10 and you worship them, you're positioning yourself below them.

Attraction requires balance. Not worship.

Principle 2: Change Your Mindset

Change the invisible to change the visible.

This echoes T. Harv Ecker's "Secrets of the Millionaire Mind."

The idea:

Your internal state creates your external reality.

If you're miserable inside, you'll be unattractive outside.

Even if you fake happiness. People sense it.

Your ex can feel your energy. Your neediness. Your desperation.

It repels them.

But when you genuinely shift internally...

Everything changes.

Your body language. Your tone. Your confidence.

You become magnetic.

Not because you're performing. But because you're genuinely different.

The Happiness Trap

Most people think:

"I'll be happy when my ex comes back."

This is backwards.

You need to be happy FIRST.

Here's why:

Happy people are attractive. Unhappy people aren't.

If your happiness depends on your ex, you become a burden. An emotional drain.

If your happiness is independent, you become intriguing. Desirable.

Your ex left because the relationship stopped serving them.

If you're still miserable, why would they come back?

But if you're thriving? That's different.

That makes them question their decision.

How to Actually Change Your Mindset

Don't just think positive thoughts. That's surface-level.

Address the root causes:

Why are you so attached to this outcome?

Is it fear of being alone? Fear of failure? Need for validation?

Dig into that. (Therapy helps.)

Build a life you're proud of:

Not to impress your ex. For you.

When your life is genuinely good, your mindset shifts naturally.

Stop waiting for external validation:

Your worth isn't determined by whether your ex comes back.

It's determined by how you treat yourself.

More on this: How to heal after a breakup.

Principle 3: Be a Lion, Not a Sheep

Lions lead. Sheep follow.

Be a lion.

What does this mean practically?

It means you stop being reactive. You become proactive.

It means you don't wait for your ex to define the terms. You live on yours.

It means you embrace your strength. Your leadership. Your direction.

The Problem with Being a Sheep

After a breakup, most people become sheep:

They wait for their ex to text first.

They ask "What do you want from me?"

They mold themselves to fit what they think their ex wants.

This is unattractive.

Because it signals:

"I have no direction of my own. I need you to give me purpose."

No one wants to carry that weight.

What Being a Lion Looks Like

You take initiative.

Not by chasing. But by leading your own life.

You make plans. You pursue goals. You move forward.

With or without them.

You set boundaries.

You don't accept breadcrumbs.

You don't let them use you for emotional support while they date others.

You're kind. But firm.

You make decisions.

Instead of "What do you want to do?" you say "Let's do this."

Instead of asking permission, you take action.

This energy is magnetic.

The Balance

Don't confuse being a lion with being domineering.

Lions are confident. Not controlling.

They lead. But they don't force.

There's a difference between strength and aggression.

You want the former. Not the latter.

Principle 4: Put Yourself First

In video games, you're at the center of the screen.

Everything else moves around you.

Do this in real life.

Don't make your ex the center of your world.

When you do, two things happen:

1. You lose yourself.

Your identity becomes wrapped up in them.

You stop having your own interests, goals, dreams.

You become boring. Predictable. Uninteresting.

2. You become unattractive.

People are drawn to those with a strong sense of self.

Not those who need someone else to complete them.

How This Shows Up

The wrong way:

You cancel plans with friends if your ex might text.

You don't pursue your goals because you're too focused on them.

You structure your life around their schedule.

You become a satellite orbiting their sun.

The right way:

You have your own plans. Your own goals. Your own life.

If your ex fits into that, great.

If not, you're still good.

You're not waiting around. You're building something.

Why This Re-Attracts Your Ex

When you put yourself first, you become interesting again.

Your ex sees you:

• Pursuing goals
• Spending time with friends
• Growing and evolving
• Happy without them

And they think: "Wait... what changed?"

That curiosity is the beginning of renewed attraction.

But it only works if it's genuine.

You can't fake self-focus.

You have to actually rebuild your life.

More on this: Rebuild yourself.

How These Principles Work Together

None of these work in isolation.

They're a system:

Mirror their self-image → Creates emotional alignment

Change your mindset → Makes you genuinely attractive

Be a lion → Shows strength and leadership

Put yourself first → Demonstrates independence and value

Together, they transform you from:

"The person they left" → "Someone they didn't know they'd miss"

Common Mistakes When Trying to Re-Attract Your Ex

Mistake 1: Faking confidence.

You can act confident. But if you're faking it, they'll sense it.

Real confidence comes from real growth.

Mistake 2: Doing this TO them instead of FOR you.

If you're only doing this to get them back, it's manipulation.

And it won't last.

Do it because you want to become better. Period.

Mistake 3: Expecting immediate results.

These changes take time to show up.

Your ex needs to see the difference. Not just hear about it.

That requires patience.

Mistake 4: Abandoning your progress if they don't respond.

Maybe they don't come back.

That doesn't mean you failed.

You still became a better version of yourself.

That's never wasted.

What If You Were the Problem?

Let's be honest.

Maybe you were needy. Clingy. Jealous. Controlling.

Maybe that's why they left.

These principles still apply. But you need to address the root issues.

If you were too needy:

See: How to get him back after being needy or How to get her back after being needy.

If you violated trust:

See: How to get her back after cheating.

If they've already moved on:

See: When he's moved on or When she's moved on.

The principles are the same. But the application changes based on context.

The Timeline Question

"How long until this works?"

No one can tell you.

Every situation is different.

But here's what I can say:

These changes take at least 2-3 weeks to become visible.

You need time to actually transform. Not just perform transformation.

Your ex needs space to notice the change.

If you're in constant contact, they won't see the difference.

Use no contact to create that space.

Then reconnect strategically.

Not with "I've changed!"

But with calm, confident energy that shows change.

Guide: What to text after no contact.

Real-World Application

Let me show you what this looks like:

Before:

You: constantly texting, asking to meet, explaining why you should be together

Your ex: feeling pressured, pulling away

Result: No attraction. Just exhaustion.

After applying these principles:

You: focused on your goals, confident, living well

Your ex: checks your social media, sees you thriving, feels curiosity

You reach out once. Casually. No pressure.

Your ex responds positively.

You keep it light. Then exit the conversation first.

Your ex: "Huh. They're different."

You build slowly. From strength. Not need.

Result: Renewed attraction. Built on respect.

What About Physical Attraction?

These principles are mostly psychological.

But don't ignore the physical:

Improve your appearance.

Not to impress them. To respect yourself.

Gym. Grooming. Wardrobe update.

Physical transformation supports mental transformation.

Show up differently.

When you see them (eventually), look better than you did.

Not drastically different. Just... elevated.

It signals: "I'm investing in myself."

That's attractive.

Wrap-Up

To re-attract your ex:

1. Mirror their self-image → See them as they see themselves
2. Change your mindset → Be genuinely happy first
3. Be a lion → Lead your life with strength
4. Put yourself first → Build a life that's full without them

Do these things, and you become attractive.

Not just to your ex. To everyone.

Because you're no longer chasing validation.

You're embodying value.

And value attracts.

Your Complete Plan

These principles are part of a larger system.

My best advise is found in the UNFAZED program and is affordable.

For free situation-specific strategies, browse the playbooks section.

Start with the principles.

Build on them consistently.

And watch what happens.