what is the 30-day no contact rule?

the 30-day no contact rule refers to how long to wait before contacting or responding to your ex following a breakup. you might try this to see if your ex will miss you and want to get back together. you might also do it to help heal from the breakup and move on.

what does no contact mean?

it’s what we call that period of time when you intentionally cease all contact with someone, which in this case, would be your ex. this usually means no speaking, seeing, texting, emailing, and so on.

surrealist illustration of a broken heart with bold colours

a surreal illustration of a broken heart

why 30 days?

popular wisdom has it that thirty days is long enough to get most of the intended benefits from not contacting someone.

but, there are exceptions, so not everyone will get the most benefits in 30 days.

if your goal is to get back with your ex, there are situations where less than 30 days is better.

i made a no contact tool to give a more accurate answer.

why should i follow it?

  • it gives you time for your heart to heal.
  • recover your backbone.
  • it gives your ex the space they want.
  • it protects and builds your pride and dignity.
  • it helps to get your ex to see you in a different light.
  • it gives you a strong position to fight for your ex if you want to later.

does it work?

if you follow and stick to it and use the time correctly, then it works just fine.

you will enjoy the following benefits and more:

  • thirty days of no contact will give you a chance to rebuild yourself.
  • it will give your ex a taste of what they want.
  • it will protect your dignity and give you a sense of control.
  • it will build your self-respect and self-esteem.

what is the psychological effect on my ex?

the psychological effect of not being contacted include:

  • doubt —your ex could wonder how much you really loved them.
  • unsettled —your ex may find the sudden silence mentally unsettling.
  • the dumper may feel a loss of control in the situation.
  • your ex may become restless with curiosity over how you are and what you are doing.
  • your ex may feel frustrated to no longer be “in the loop” over what you are doing.
  • you may even instill feelings of rejection and betrayal in your ex.

the psychological effects on you, the dumpee, can also be unpleasant. for example, you will experience “cold turkey” symptoms from cutting out your ex. however, you have the advantage of control. the positive effects include feeling more purposeful and having more self-esteem and mental strength.

what happens after?

by the time you end no contact, you will better understand what you ~want~ to do. which, broadly speaking, means either moving on or making moves to reunite.

if you decide you want to save your relationship after all, you will need to break the silence and make contact of some kind. after all, it is only logical that contact follows no contact!

if you decide to move on, you effectively extend the no contact duration. later you might negotiate friendship with your ex, or you might not.

some people need more time before they are ready to make their next move. in that case, you can add another two weeks (or some other extension that makes sense.)

for most of you reading this, you will want to do whatever gives you the best chance of winning your ex back.

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About the author: i’m a relationship coach specialising in breakup recovery. i’ve been doing this for 12+ years helping thousands worldwide. i created the Breakup Dojo, a popular program with over 1,000 members. i’ve authored several in-demand breakup recovery products, drawing from my deep fascination with psychology. i also publish the “ex-communication” newsletter that’s packed with actionable advice to over 10,000 subscribers worldwide.