congratulations. it was tough going, but you completed the stay quiet, leave your ex alone stage with flying colours. well done. but, now you have a dilemma: what do you text your ex?
you know that texting is your next move, you’re just not sure what message to send or how to go about it. what do you say?
to help guide you on this challenging journey, i will share my four rules for texting an ex.
rule one: the feel-good factor
before you text your ex, keep in mind something i call, “the feel-good factor.”
anything you put in a text after no contact should “feel good” to the person receiving it.
to help achieve that, the first text you send your ex should tick all of these boxes:
- no pressure
- no expectation
- stress-free
- blame-free
- nothing inflammatory/accusatory
keep it light and “feel good,” and you’ll give yourself a better chance of getting a positive response from your ex.
rule two: don’t use a text template
are you tempted to borrow a text template you found on the internet?
reconsider.
what you need is a short-and-sweet message that is:
- authentic;
- purposeful;
- playful.
text templates tell you “what to text your ex” and therefore fail to be authentic.
and your ex will notice.
what you say after no contact has to be relevant to your ex, and fit the circumstances.
cookie-cutter messages reveal a lack of thought.
at best, the example text messages you find online are useful for sparking ideas, which is fine. almost none will “make sense” for your situation, though.
if the first text you send reads like a “copy and paste” message, your ex will be disappointed. which means you broke rule 1: “the feel-good factor.”
there’s nothing heartfelt about a text message you “borrowed” from the internet. thoughtful words are written by you. it is the equivalent of sending a card with your name crossed out, and their name over the top. thrifty? certainly. thoughtful? no.
rule three: use your texts to gather data, not to get back together
the purpose of texting your ex after no contact is to test the waters and gather data. you are not trying to get them back at this stage.
so, gathering data includes:
- finding out whether your ex will reply or not;
- finding out how hot or cold your ex is in response to your words;
- finding out which kinds of messages produce the most warmth from your ex;
and so on.
many make the mistake of trying to convince their ex to give things another chance before their ex wants the same thing.
(incidentally, your job is to help your ex want the same thing as you before asking them.)
you can’t begin to guess what your ex wants until after you have gathered some feedback.
as a result, it would be best to take things slowly when resuming contact with your ex. this way, you can minimize the chance of triggering a new conflict.
rule four: have fun texting your ex!
once you stop treating text messages as a way to ask your ex to come back, you can relax and start having fun with your ex.
having good-feeling text exchanges is key to renewing broken relationships.
the progress you can make from having fun with your ex helps to improve your position when negotiating a second chance.
special mention: the “elephant in the room” text
a common type of text to send after a breakup is the elephant in the room text.
if your relationship ended on unfortunate terms (i.e., you cheated), acknowledging the “elephant in the room” will be required before anything else can happen.
think of it this way: you need to address the conversation already happening in your ex’s head.
until you do, your ex will ignore or reject your attempts of communication.
so yes, addressing your transgression(s) is important.
for that reason, i advise my clients to consider a handwritten letter to address the proverbial elephant. and i suggest the same to you.
this way, you can avoid contaminating the medium of texting with heavy subjects.
after all, texting is ideal for light-hearted messaging.
we want your ex to associate the “ping” of a new message on their phone with good news, not bad.
anything you can do to avoid introducing sore topics, in general, is a good idea.
what now?
the important thing to remember is this: every text you send your ex after no contact, whether it is the first message or the last, should honor “the feel-good factor.”
don’t let your ex feel bad as a result of something you said or sent.
once you have that covered, view the texting process as a way to gather data on your ex’s mood (so you can react and adapt accordingly.)
using authentic messages, staying upbeat, and keeping things light, ensures you will have an excellent first —and last— text to send your ex.
