What To Text Your Ex After No Contact: Four Rules To Follow

(If you want a good result!)

Published: August 27th, 2020

Michael Fulmer

Congratulations! It was tough going, but you managed to complete the no contact stage with flying colors. Great. But now what?

Logically, after you’ve given your ex space, you are ready to start talking.

So you’ve decided it is time to bite the bullet and contact them. You know you should text your ex, you’re just not sure how to go about it or what to say.

To help guide you safely on this challenging journey, I will now share my four rules for texting an ex.

Rule One: The Feel-Good Factor

Before you text your ex, you would do well to keep in mind something I call, “The Feel-Good Factor.”

Ideally, anything you put in a text after no contact will “feel good” to the person receiving it.

To help achieve that, the first text you send your ex should tick all of these boxes:

  1. No pressure
  2. No expectation
  3. Stress-free
  4. Blame-free
  5. Nothing inflammatory/accusatory

Keep it light and “feel good,” and you’ll give yourself a better chance of getting a positive response.

Rule Two: Don’t Use a Text Template

Are you tempted to borrow a text template you found on the internet?

Michael Scott from The Office screaming no!


What you need right now is a short-and-sweet message that is:

  1. Authentic;
  2. Purposeful;
  3. Playful.

Text templates tell you “what to text your ex” and therefore fail to be authentic!

And your ex will notice.

What you say after no contact has to be relevant to your ex, and fit the circumstances.

Cookie-cutter messages reveal a lack of thought!

At best, the example text messages you find online are useful for sparking ideas, which is fine. Almost none will “make sense” for your situation, though.

And if the first text you send reads like a “copy and paste” message, your ex will be disappointed, which means you broke rule 1: “the feel-good factor.”

There’s nothing heartfelt or thoughtful about something you’ve “borrowed” from the internet to pass off as something you’ve personally written. It is the equivalent of sending a card with your name crossed out, and their name over the top! Thrifty? Certainly. Thoughtful? No!

Rule Three: Use Your Texts To Gather Data, Not To Get Back Together

The purpose of texting your ex after no contact is to test the waters and gather data. You are not trying to get them back at this stage.

Gathering data includes:

  • Finding out whether your ex will reply or not;
  • Finding out how hot or cold your ex is in response to your words;
  • Finding out which kinds of messages produce the most warmth from your ex;

And so on.

Many make the mistake of trying to convince their ex to give things another chance before their ex wants the same thing.

(Incidentally, your job is to help your ex want the same thing as you before asking them.)

You can’t even begin to guess what your ex wants until after you have gathered some feedback.

And a lot can happen during no contact.

As a result, it would be best to take things slowly when resuming contact with your ex. This way, you can minimize the risk of triggering a new conflict.

Rule Four: Have Fun Texting Your Ex!

Once you stop treating text messages as a way to ask your ex to come back, you can relax and start having fun with your ex.

Having good-feeling text exchanges is key to renewing broken relationships.

The progress you can make from having fun with your ex helps to improve your position later when negotiating a second chance.

Special Mention: The “Elephant in the Room” Text

A common type of text to send after a breakup is the “elephant in the room” text.

If your relationship ended on especially unfortunate terms (i.e., you cheated), acknowledging the “elephant in the room”1 will be required before anything else can happen.

Think of it this way: You need to address the conversation already happening in your ex’s head.

Until you do so, your ex will ignore or reject your attempts of communication.

So yes, addressing your transgression(s) is hugely important!

For that reason, I usually advise my clients to consider a handwritten letter to address the proverbial elephant. And I suggest the same to you!

This way, you can avoid contaminating the medium of texting with heavy subjects.

After all, texting is ideal for light-hearted messaging.

We want your ex to associate the “ping” of a new message on their phone with good news, not bad.

Relatedly, anything you can do to avoid introducing sore topics, in general, is a good idea.

What Now?

The most important thing to remember is this: Every text you send your ex after no contact, whether it is the first message or the last, should honor “The Feel-Good Factor.”

Don’t let your ex feel bad as a result of something you said or sent.

Once you have that covered, view the texting process as a way to gather data on your ex’s mood (so you can react and adapt accordingly.)

Using authentic messages, staying upbeat, and keeping things light whenever possible, ensures you will have an excellent first —and last— text to send your ex.

Psst... These 3 Mistakes Are Sabotaging Your Efforts to Get Your Ex back...

Yes, there are THREE sabotaging mistakes the recently “dumped” frequently make.

Click me to find out what these mistakes are...

My girlfriend and I broke up last week. I followed your instructions and we are back together — Erick Nelson

[1] “the elephant in the room”